H does not talk much about "us" or our R or the sitch right now. In fact he has only done so two or three times in 9 months! I still do not bring up our R because any time I do I get the same "speech" (if slightly modified) that I got when the bomb dropped.
Occassionally something will just "come out" in conversation and usually neither one of us knows what to say. Me - usually because if I persue that line of conversation I know I will hear things I don't want to hear (avoidance?) and H - because he seems to want to always say the right thing, or "make things look right" so as not to upset me. H still says he doesn't know what he wants, but will not stop seeing OW, spend more time with me and S1 or make any committment to working on our M. I think that is why when he does say anything I was not expecting I panick inside and just clam up. The only time in my life I have been stuck for words
At the same time H calls a lot, panicks when he cannot get hold of me, and hangs around for a long time seeming reluctant to leave when he does come round. It's like he is waiting for ME to say or do something. Anytime I have I get the speech. Round and round in circles at a dead standstill.
When something has come up and then neither one of us has carried it along I think a lot about what I shoudl have said afterwards. I'm never sure if I should bring it up again the next time we see each other or wait and see if he does. He usually does not. Having thought about what I would like to say - should I go ahead?
