False. Conflict and anger are natural when human beings live together. We all have our own views and opinions and there is no way they will always be the same. The problems arise from how you deal (or not) with the conflict. From my H's point of view - sure you will sometimes disagree but one of you should just button your lip and agree with the other to keep the peice, and then bitch about it to someone else behind your S's back. Avoid confrontation at all costs - even if that means not speaking to someone for an extended period.
Quote: Quoting JJ: -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- How have you and your partner dealt with conflict and anger in the past? What is the "typical" thing for both of you to do? --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
quoting PnT:
Typically, we'd take turns not listening to each other, but forming our arguements while pretending to listen to the other speak. This typically became a shouting match in which I'd storm off to my room crying, with my Monkey following me. We'd yell some more, I'd cry and hide from him, in my journal or a book, he'd hide from me in his computer games. At one point, one or the other of us would approach the other and apologize.
Are you sure I am not you and your monkey is not MY monkey this is the same pattern that we followed. This would typically happen with us except to begin with I would try to discuss the issue. H would start digging up dirt from the past to divert the issue, I would run to my room crying.............it would end with me apologising and making a peice gesture like a cup of coffee or something.
Quote: Quoting JJ: -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What do both of you do to either avoid conflict, or to instigate it? When are the times that you've been able to deal with anger and conflict successfully? When has it worked for them, and when has it worked for you? What were you both doing at the time? --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
quoting PnT:
We both tend to hide from the other in doing various activities to avoid conflict. With us being separated, it's even easier to avoid conflict. We just don't call each other.
One thing I've done in the past and that he just recently did was to email the other person about the conflict. That allows the person writing the email to find a way to phrase the issue...and it allows the person reading the email to truly hear what the issue is. Feelings still get hurt, but there's no yelling involved.
Again..did I write this? I find it extremely hard now that we are separated, we tend to not explain fully what we mean or not actually finish the conversation. Recently we have been discussing difficult topics or mis-understandings by e-mail. My H especially finds this better as he is the World Champ at putting his foot in his mouth. This way he can really think about what he wants to say BEFORE he hits send. Also I can "DB edit" my reply.
Also, in the past I would tend to get very upset about something for an extended period before bringing it up. And I would generally bring it up at bedtime, which H hated. I didn't do this intentionally, just that I would hold it in for so long that it would usually spill out at the end of the day. H was tired and had to get up early so it was very bad timing. I can't do this now as we are sep. The e-mail thing helps as it doesn't matter when I send e-mail, H can take his own time to read and reply
this is the same pattern that we followed.
