Tn, you asked: "Wouldn't the physical sensations of sex teach her what's pleasurable and what's painful? Perhaps I'm missing a deeper meaning in your statement."
Not really. That's how it works for a man, they feel it and they know what feels good, so that's how they go forward with sex.
For a woman, its a lot more convuluted. A woman doesn't directly "feel" as much as she emotionally navigates through the sexual experience, especially the first experiences.
She may even block herself entirely from feeling the physical sensations...which is why most very young women in their first sex experiences don't have orgasms. Sometimes they don't even "get" what other women are talking about.
So in other words, a woman's mind is at the forefront of her sexual experiences, not her genitals.
For a man, I believe the opposite is true, for early sexual experiences.
Over time, both men and women learn to incorporate more of the mind (men) and the physical sensations (women).
However...if a woman has only learned that sex = one thing, she will tend to not explore further than that. She will tend to just make up her mind what sex is equal to.
So in your case, your wife has learned that sex = her being willing but not enthusiastic.
With your encouragement to help her see that it could be so much more fun for BOTH of you if she can learn that sex = her being enthusiastic, then she will probably make an effort.
I do want to comment on the things you keep saying about her sister...I know you have very strong opinions about this, but from the way you are describing things, and especially if your wife feels the way you do about her sister....then you are both doing yourselves a disservice.
Regardless of the consequences her sister may have paid for sleeping around or whatever the story is, this should have NOTHING to do with your sex life in your mind OR your wife's mind.
And if it is in either of your minds to the extent that I fear it is based on how many times you have brought it up....aye aye aye. Its just really unhealthy for you two to have a fascination about how her sister's sex life has messed her up so badly.
Please try to understand....I am not exactly sure how I got in this position, but I know a LOT about sex now....and one of the things I know is that how you perceive other people's experiences will affect YOUR experience.
It would be best for you to stop mentioning the sister, in either a good or a bad light, so that you can let that whole issue slide out of your mind - - hopefully forever.
Hopefully it will slide out of your wife's mind more and more as years go by...but the reality is that, hey, I've known a lot of wayward wild oats sewing folks in my life...and they don't always end up in a bad position. Some of them just like a lot of good sex with a lot of different partners!
Regardless of how you think your opinion on the subject of her sister matters, all that really matters is that you are causing a mental connection issue between your wife and her sister in your mind and in hers, because you are focused on it sooooo diligently. Please let it go.
