Ok-I'm in, I just recommitted to reading DR and DB again and THIS time, taking action (1st time thought reading was going to be good enough!)
How SURE are you about things that are going to happen? I am not sure about anything these days--except that I am sure that I am going to give 150% effort in trying to save my marriage!
How much do you rely on the past, and the present, to predict the future? Especially about the "negative" things?
When it comes to the negative things, I tend to look at the past and present for learning about what not to do. I know that I have been the "mother" in our R--in the beginning it was necessary because he was new into being a recovering addict, but I could never let go of the reigns--even today I try to let go, but H continually does things to put me in that role--I don't think intentionally, but out of habit. If I try to pull out of that role, then I'm the b##ch. I'm trying to find new ways in the present to detach this aspect lovingly--welcome suggestions. I do use the positives from our past and present to predict the future, because I feel we've had a good M and the areas that were problematic can be fixed--so I reflect on the good times from the past, the loving daily goodbye kisses while 1/2 asleep --those keep me going..and then when I see a baby step I cautiously am reminded of what the M could be like.
How would you see the situation you're in from an outsider's point of view? What if you were a third-party looking at the events that are going on in your life? How might you see things differently?
If I were an outsider, I'd think--you are an idiot for sticking this out. You deserve better treatment than this. You are nuts for trying all this. Why do you want to be with a man who is with another woman? I'd see all these perspectives---but also hope that I could see that love is unconditional and we don't know why people love other people sometimes..
If you were to read your story on the board like it was someone else's thread, what would you post to yourself? What advice would you give to you? How well would you take that advice?!
I would post that it is not over until you are ready to say it's over. Keep trying what works and stop doing what doesn't. Follow your heart's desire--if that is to save the marriage, then pull out all the stops-use all the tools. Set your boundaries and keep to them. I think I would take this type of advice well--in fact last week I was losing hope and Talitsa replied to my thread saying she saw a lot of hope for my sitch and after she pointed out a few things I began to see what she could see--positive advice helps big time!! It's a lot easier to follow positive advice than the negative! Went to A today for information only--she tells me "he's not the man you thought he was"--DUH-he's been taken over by an alien (for now)..but the man I know and love is still buried deep down there!
If there was no past history to taint your views of the possibilities of things that could happen in the future, what might things look like?
I think this should be a question for H to consider. You see it is only now that I look upon some of our past and see faults in it--I wasn't the one who was unhappy in the M (in hindsight, I wasn't overjoyed--but accepting that there are ups and downs). I think if there wasn't any history to consider there wouldn't be the mothering, co-dependance behavior that seems to be part of the root of our problems--there would be no mother in this M, just equal partners enjoying a mutually satisfying M.
If you were to put aside the "fact" that everything your partner is doing is meant to hurt you, what other possible explanations for some of their individual behaviors might you be able to come up with?
I know he's not trying to hurt me and he has said it over and over again that he never meant to hurt me. I honestly believe he's in a cross of MLC and addictive behavior--but the drug of choice is a 25 yr old OW--given that I don't think he has had control of this starting--I think it just happened and before he could stop himself it was too late--the temptation was already too strong. But I completely believe him that he never meant to hurt me--but the fact that he can acknowledge that fact and not stop hurting me is hard to take--but that is part of the tunnel and the disease!
What areas of your relationship might it be helpful to "take off your blinders", and see things from a different perspective?
In general, for years I seemed to have blinders on that everything was o.k. But H was unhappy for several years. Also, 4 years ago when we hit speed bump #1 (I'm unhappy, we don't have fun together, you don't make me laugh, I'm not attracted to you physically)--we did MC which helped somewhat, except we failed to do our homework after MC was done--and I had gone on to lose 50 pounds which in hindsight I know back then I thought that would solve all the problems--I wasn't fat anymore--so all would be great. I was wearing blinders, not realizing that we continued to grow apart--I could see we weren't together that much,but acknowleged other reasons for it at the time--more blinders...but still felt we had happy M when speed bump #2 happened last August after buying first home and starting to talk about starting family--(H says not happy, no fun, no laugh etc etc)-we both go into sep.C and work on ourselves, no MC-H didn't want, but said R was better, he had his own issues working on with C, but we were ok. Then this year we hit the pothole--same reasons, but now there is OW who fulfills those needs (affection/attention-laughs-fun-sensual)..so again got hit blind-sided...if I had seen the signs I may have been able to get H to MC before the A started--should have insisted on it last year when things were better just to make sure!!
What does that dot that the teacher drew on the blackboard represent to you?!
My eyes are bad-I can't even see the dot!! Seriously-it would represent endless possibilities....
What would your answer be to the "miracle question"? Your answer to how things COULD be, instead of the way that they are?
We COULD have a super M--one where we put each other first, one of equality, laughter and fun times to share. I would love him in his love language and be sure to show him that daily. We would communicate much more clearly when things bothered us so that there would be nothing left unsaid/undone--no resentments to be harbored.
If you were to start things over from scratch, with a clean slate, what would your relationship be like? What would YOU be doing to help lead it into the right direction?
Hmmm..clean slate--well that would be AWESOME!! I would suggest that we go to MC to find tools of how to build a lasting, satisfying relationship-I would make sure H knew that I loved and desired him, I would work on my sexual inhibitions so that I could love him more freely--I would suggest we have weekly dates--always making a special time for "us", while still having time for our individual time/interests. I would support him in his endeavors as I would expect him to do the same for me. It would be wonderful!!!!!
