"In healthy relationships, major disagreements get resolved over time."
How do you feel about this statement?
I feel that the statement is partly true, but not necessarily always true. I think that respect for each other is very important. If my H and I were arguing about something that was very important to me, I would look for ways to be true to myself, but accomodate his feelings as well.
I think it depends on the issue to be resolved. Things that are very desctructive to the relationship or really victimize one or the other are not really acceptable. For example, if it turns out that my H didn't just have an A, but is actually incapable of monogamy, I would find that unacceptable and end the R.
This issue about needing to resolve conflict between us came up in our last MC session. My H was describing our different driving styles as a problem. He thinks I drive too slow, I think he drives too fast & tailgates. He gets mad when I get nervous when he's driving too fast, and so on. He insinuated that this was evidence of us not being compatible. SIGH.
I told him that my parents have been having the EXACT same conflict for over 30 years, and it had never occurred to them that they were "incompatible" or should get a D over it! Their driving fights are legendary in my family, but I guess my H never witnessed one himself.
What things have you and your partner been arguing about that never seemed to get resolved? Too much conflict avoiding in our R to have many actual arguements. H feels that he isn't treated like he counts because I make decisions (especially about the house and the kids without talking to him about it first. I admit that I do alot of that, but my H works nights. I often don't see him, literally for days at a time except sometimes as he's rushing out the door to work just as I'm coming home. He also works every other weekend. He doesn't have the kind of job that I can call him about every routine decision that has to be made. I would like more participation from H as a partner, but most of the time, he's just not available and stresses out about problems with the kids so I just handle things. I feel like a single mom in many ways. H wants to be a partner in decision making, but doesn't want to change his job or his schedule and I can't switch to a night schedule and neither can the kids so we're always out of sync. This is an example of something that we both agree is a problem, and both basically want the same thing, but go round and round and round about.
Besides that, one of our other major arguement is interior decorating because we have somewhat different taste.
Issues over raising kids, money, etc.
Have there been any ways in which your heated arguments have changed over time? Have they mellowed in any way? We do NOT have many heated arguements. I think we are both afraid that a big arguement will cause a nuclear meltdown of our R or that one of us will loose our temper & beat the c**p out of the other. If it can't get handled calmly, we just don't go there.
Have any of your disagreements seemed to have maybe become less important than they were before?
Sure, sometimes I just have to say "that's just how my partner is" even if it bugs me or I don't understand it.
Have you been able to just "agree to disagree" about any subjects?
Yes, but mostly about things like political or spiritual beliefs and not about major issues in our R.
If so, how were you able to get to this point?
What works best for you in "choosing your battles"?
Hmmmmm...taking time to think about what I'm battling over. If the issue isn't to private, I talk to friends that may have dealt with something similar and see what their perspective is.
I rarely dig my heels in and start a fuss--but I'm really good at doing a slow burn and holding a grudge. So is H.
How do you sort out what's important to resolve, from what's not-so-important to resolve?
By being clear about my values and what is important enough to me to take a stand over.
