Trying2Live-Post #3

[hope3343]

Good morning,
Ok, it is tough, we know we are not supposed to process what they are saying but it is hard. But we also know that the pleading, crying, begging was worse.

All, you are doing well, I know you question yourself every step of the way. We are looking for immediate fixes but we have to have tenacity, patience and perserverence. Very difficult to do on a daily basis. T2L, did not get this strong overnight it took her 5 months to get to the point she is now. If you look at her old posts you will see all the doubts and pain she was going through.

Faith you are right -- the more we snoop the worst it is. I think that is what set me off on the phone the other day with H. During the day I looked at his old phone bills and saw the progression of the calls to the OW that finally led to the A. Then I started freaking out that night. I really am trying to control my thoughts every time I think of OW and try to replace it with a prayer. Not always successful.

I had a backslide also today, not too bad but got into OW and M talk. I was outside to move my car and saw H in smoke shack. H waves and I walk over and tell him I have some mail for him and new school picture of D15. H asks about D and I said she is doing ok. I give her all the details of what she is doing, Football game tonight, getting her hair done, nails, homecoming dance, soccer game on Sunday.
H asks if D talks about him, I said she does. She said that you have not been to your apt almost all week, and H says "yes I have" (lie), I said she has friends who live there and they told her your car is never there. H looks pained. H says I really miss her, and then I get a little emotional. I told H that D felt betrayed by all of his lies and that she lost respect. I said she will get over it but it will take time. Then I asked him what the C thought about it and H says (so typical), I haven't gone because I did not have phone number. H asks me to send him the phone #.
H then said how much weight did you lose. I said about 30lbs. H said I really noticed it in the mtg yesterday with your side profile. (that is when I should have left)
Then H says can I come over later when D and you are out (I told him I was going out for a "halloween event") and see the dog!!! H says I miss the dog also. I said that would be fine (darn now I have to run home and clean the house fast), I ask how H is doing and he says he is doing ok, having a hard time keeping his place clean (no kidding), and then H asks if I interviewed for the HR manager position I had applied to. I said no word yet but maybe it is a good thing because if I got it the first thing I would have to do is fire you. H looks scared. I said did you sign your conflict of interest yet, H starts getting mad. I said ok I can't help it because I hate OW. I know you were not happy in M but we could have worked at it but instead you moved out 40% because of me and the other 60% for the plastic pinata (my pet name for OW). Then I finally caught myself and said it is difficult for me some days and you caught me on one of them. H says he understands (the closest he ever admitted to having an A). So H says I will stop at your desk later to pick up mail.

So I went overboard, but I did catch myself. Next time I do better.

T2L, hope everything is going well with H and all the family things you are doing. I pray you will be our big success story and the rest of us will follow.

Happy Halloween everyone. Boo.