Trying2Live-Post #3

[hope3343]

Once I get past that homecoming for D, I will have a little more free time for nails etc. Gym/yoga comes first and I have really been consistent. I took a walk this afternoon around the building and my darn pants almost fell down. Time to retire these pair of jeans! But I do know I have much more to go. I know in the DB it says take notice what OW is doing. I have been growing my hair longer and changed the style of it somewhat. (OW has long hair). OW is definitely more feminine something we talked about. I need to work on that aspect of it.

Some GAL I need to do home. I have several projects that I want to accomplish that will make me happy and I know it will be noticed by H. (of course he has not been to house in 2 weeks because of D cutting him off)

[AllW8SBF]

You know I really just don't know if I'm doing this all wrong. When we have these good days I think I'm doing it right, when there are bad, I'm doing it wrong.

I get home today - early for me. He's up on the computer - as usual. I start prepping dinner - I had told him I was going out and if he could tape his show. He asked what I was making and then he himmed and hawed about me making dinner - no you don't have to oh go ahead make it, when do you have to leave? Ah nah don't cook dinner, you've got enough to do.
So I didn't, I took my shower, redressed in work out clothes (I sweat a lot and so coming from the gym I was already a rag a muffin), then I ironed my halloween costume.
He says we need to figure out before you leave tonight how tomorrow is going to work (going to the Blackhawks game) we figured that out.
Then I smell cigarette smoke, he smokes like a pack a YEAR. So I'm like why does it smell like cigarettes, he said he had one, (in the mean time I'm doing thing around the house as he's talking), he said he lit it inside but smoked it outside. Let the dog out, etc. I'm like oh ok. Then he just sounds grumpy so I'm like are you angry (kinda thinking he's angry cause I'm going out and his show doesn't come first), he says he's been having a rough few days at work and him and his boss had their first misunderstanding - he started about a 3 weeks ago.
He really doesn't want to go into the details but he told me vaguely what was going on. THen here is the bad part - He says I know you have some place to be, I say well I can make time for you - My skin crawled when that came out, it sounded so second place, but i'm protecting my heart and not being a dumping ground, but tryign to be a friend.
He gruffs at that. (not sure if I am speaking for him here, but as if like I said - it sounded like he is so second place)
Then he says, you know in the coming days/weeks he's going to be sleeping in the other room, cooking his own dinner, washing his own clothes. And he's like I know you do those things but I don't expect you to, if you want to fine. I just shake my head in acknowledgement (not sure what to say, trying to fight back the "NO don't I want you in my bed, and I want to take care of you...")
But I say you know as far as cooking and washing clothes, you know it's easier for me if I'm cooking dinner to cook for two than one, and then also on the clean up, less pots, pans, etc. And then laundry doing it together then that is less water use and detergent use if it's done together.

He says well I'm not sure how logistically it will work.

I'm like ok - all happy, and off I go to get ready.

He comes in asking all kinds of questions - you going to a halloween party tonight, did "Sandi" invite you to a party? I don't answer the questions, just say no, I'm just going out. Total no info.

I tell him I'm leaving dressed in workout clothes.

I come home and he's on the phone with another possible woman-date. I can vaguely here the conversation. I get ready for bed. He gets off the phone - I hear him say if I leave at 4:45 I can be there in a half hour.

He asks for my media stick so he can put the show on it. I ask how it went he said good, how was your night - I say good, and walk away.

Then he follows me into the bedroom and starts asking questions H- how was your night (again - he already asked that),
M- No answer
H-how's "Sandi",
M- I didn't talk to her today, I was busy at work.
H-He's like so you werent out with Sandi.
M - No answer.

This is good you love this one

H - Are you not telling me because it's none of my business or because I'll get mad?
M - What could you get mad about
H - (he takes a few to answer this)Nothing

H - So you went out to a bar
M - No I just went out
H - If you don't want to tell me you don't have to
M - I don't want to here what you do when you go out.
H - oh ok
H - Well Jen Goodnight
M - Well Chris Goodnight to you

He is about to close the door, and then stops, you know, I'm just happy your going out and doing things (pause), cause I'm going out and doing things. And I'm like good we are both going out and doing things.
He closes the bedroom door and goes to the computer.

You know sometimes I think like faith you've said, he is calling out help me, stop me, don't let me see these woman. But if I do anything like try to show my love he pushes me away and tells me not to, like above. I just don't know if I'm coming or going.

And here is a real rant - WHAT kind of WOMAN are these, that go after a man who says that he is separated, I mean geesh, just really try to pull the guy out of the marriage. I say that because I have on my profile (I put one out there just to make me feel good if I got some interest - WHICH I HAVEN'T) Separated, and no guy has had any interest. And it's not like I'm ugly - I am quite attractive. But these woman still go after him, he doesn't even have a divorce and he has told me he's letting them know the sitch that we can't divorce till we pay off more of our debt -so that will be a while, so they will have to wait. I mean come on.

Oh by the way - I did go last night but all I did was sit in a room, play with my phone, and watch some volleyball. Oh and I was asked once if I wanted to play and I was so scared I said no!
I hate sitch like that - I need an in, once I've opened up I'm good but getting to that point I'm horrible.

[AllW8SBF]

Ouch why did I go look this up - this is a little of my h profile for a personal ad.

My life right now is not how it is going to be forever. I have moved on from past relationship in mind, body and heart. I am looking to start fresh with someone who has all the qualities I seek and hopefully I possess all the qualities my ideal match seeks.


I keep saying this R he speaks of could be other woman. But man this hurts - see ladies reasons we are not supposed to go looking for info.
I went looking to know what he's looking for a in a woman. This profile has changed since I first saw it 2 weeks ago. And now he's also changed where he wanted a Christian/Catholic person to None Religious - Atheist - Spiritual but not religious

He wants a flirt and spontaneous person, life of the party Social butterfly, side kick.
Explorer, Leader, Indivualist, Giver, Champion, Protector

Alot or most of which I'm not.

[marriedCrazy]

Remember you can't believe anything they say while they're in this state of mind. My W told me she had a personal ad. I looked it up and she was listed as D. The funniest part was where she said that she hated liars; ironic considering that's what she is most of the time. Not a very good one at that.

It sucks to find that stuff; but it does give some insight into what you might have to be like in order for him to be interested. that's only if you think it's true.

[faithrunner]

I was just going to say that! I think he's giving you clues of what he is looking for, and I disagree with your assessment of yourself. You were an individual and a leader in your own activities today and he didn't know what to do with you. That bit about "I'm glad you're doing things and I'm doing things" is no more than him trying to convince himself that you moving on is ok with him! You remained a mystery, GAL, showed interest for his show, all those things. I think him saying you don't have to make dinner anymore, etc is a small test. I would encourage you to BE CONSISTENT and continue to do those things. Don't pursue, that will make him uncomfortable. But if you can make dinner while seeming lovingly detached to his reaction, that would be great for him to see and great healing for you. This is just the beginning of your 180. Make it stick.

Also, please, please, please lets make a pact together - NO SNOOPING. We are the only ones that hurt, and it slowly kills your feelings for H. It it really hard, I know, but we have to commit to this. That way, we are totally focusing on ourselves, our changes, our GAL and that is what enables H to see you in your best light.

As for the women responding to the ads, dysfunctional that's all you can say. Theirs is a relationship sowed in dirty soil. It will never grow. Don't focus on that if you can. I am proud of you:)

[hope3343]

Good morning,
Ok, it is tough, we know we are not supposed to process what they are saying but it is hard. But we also know that the pleading, crying, begging was worse.

All, you are doing well, I know you question yourself every step of the way. We are looking for immediate fixes but we have to have tenacity, patience and perserverence. Very difficult to do on a daily basis. T2L, did not get this strong overnight it took her 5 months to get to the point she is now. If you look at her old posts you will see all the doubts and pain she was going through.

Faith you are right -- the more we snoop the worst it is. I think that is what set me off on the phone the other day with H. During the day I looked at his old phone bills and saw the progression of the calls to the OW that finally led to the A. Then I started freaking out that night. I really am trying to control my thoughts every time I think of OW and try to replace it with a prayer. Not always successful.

I had a backslide also today, not too bad but got into OW and M talk. I was outside to move my car and saw H in smoke shack. H waves and I walk over and tell him I have some mail for him and new school picture of D15. H asks about D and I said she is doing ok. I give her all the details of what she is doing, Football game tonight, getting her hair done, nails, homecoming dance, soccer game on Sunday.
H asks if D talks about him, I said she does. She said that you have not been to your apt almost all week, and H says "yes I have" (lie), I said she has friends who live there and they told her your car is never there. H looks pained. H says I really miss her, and then I get a little emotional. I told H that D felt betrayed by all of his lies and that she lost respect. I said she will get over it but it will take time. Then I asked him what the C thought about it and H says (so typical), I haven't gone because I did not have phone number. H asks me to send him the phone #.
H then said how much weight did you lose. I said about 30lbs. H said I really noticed it in the mtg yesterday with your side profile. (that is when I should have left)
Then H says can I come over later when D and you are out (I told him I was going out for a "halloween event") and see the dog!!! H says I miss the dog also. I said that would be fine (darn now I have to run home and clean the house fast), I ask how H is doing and he says he is doing ok, having a hard time keeping his place clean (no kidding), and then H asks if I interviewed for the HR manager position I had applied to. I said no word yet but maybe it is a good thing because if I got it the first thing I would have to do is fire you. H looks scared. I said did you sign your conflict of interest yet, H starts getting mad. I said ok I can't help it because I hate OW. I know you were not happy in M but we could have worked at it but instead you moved out 40% because of me and the other 60% for the plastic pinata (my pet name for OW). Then I finally caught myself and said it is difficult for me some days and you caught me on one of them. H says he understands (the closest he ever admitted to having an A). So H says I will stop at your desk later to pick up mail.

So I went overboard, but I did catch myself. Next time I do better.

T2L, hope everything is going well with H and all the family things you are doing. I pray you will be our big success story and the rest of us will follow.

Happy Halloween everyone. Boo.

[TxMomw/2girls]

Hi ladies...

I've been off this week... so busy and not much time to post or read any...

This week I'm not doing any 180's... I really don't care... i'm so empty inside and really really do not like my H right now. I had a big R talk yesterday.... he once again talked to my D on Wednesday night for a minute and said let me call you right back and we never heard from him again. I text him 2 hrs later and still never heard from him. That is what started the R and kids talk on Thursday. He really feels he is doing a fine job. Then I brought up the call and he had nothing to say... I think he just forgot to call our D. He is hanging with a 25yr old and that life is so opposite of what a family life is... I think that is what makes this harder for us and him... and what attracts him to her.. two different lifestyles.

He is coming over tonight for trick or treating and he said he needs to leave around 9pm.... found out he has a party to go to with OW.... AHHHH ... we had apartment and R talk yesterday... he signed his apartment lease, a one bedroom. I think I'm going to suggest we share the apartment with him so when it is his weekend to have the girls or his day/night I'll stay there and he'll stay at the house... we'll see what he says... with us having a 6 month old it is hard. He is here now at the house and we are suppose to talk later... we are going to try to figure out visitations schedule etc... ugh!!!!!!!!

I need to start playing the part again... fake it until you make it right. I just really feel at peace that God is going to take care of this and H... I just think it will take some time and it won't happen overnight... it will be a long road if he ever has a change of heart...

I do need to mark down the positive steps he has made... he doesn't seem in the "fog" although a vet and success stated on my thread her H was the same way and very firm that they were divorcing and they are together today.... it can happen I guess.


more later hopfully - hang in there ladies

[Trying2live]

Hope,
K sorry guys H has been around alot the last 2 days so I am just now catching up. Yessss! I love that your really investing in your health and wellness through exercise and that's STINKING awesome your pants are falling! Whoot Whoot! Keep it up! And go Irish dancing!!

Love your trying a new hair style! Very GAL. I did the same thing, changed the color.

Good I'm glad your working on Home projects, it helps the time and it's usually a lot of fun. I changed my bed covers and when my Plan B hits(per the SAA book) I think I will finally paint my room.
Ok I gotta catch up on more threads.....Hope you had a good Halloween

[Trying2live]

ALLW8,
Who cares what H wants in his profile. This is what he wants in the fog so it doesn't matter. Yes don't look and snoop, not yet at least, you really have to be in a place where this kind of stuff rolls off your back.

Remember a good portion of this journey is about you finding out who you are and becoming that image or person, not becoming who your H necessarily wants. Yes meeting emotional needs, but not losing who you are a becoming a fake. Have you read the book Surviving An Affair by Willard Harely? IF not go get this, I think it has a lot of information in it that might help you.

Continue GAL, keep going to the dance class or what ever you started doing, do not stop. ITs easy to go once but we all must continue GAL'ing.

[hope3343]

T2L, how did the past few days go?? any more successes?? Any indication that OW is still in picture.
D15 is going to Homecoming dance tonight. Big thing here. We just got her hair cut and flat ironed for tonight. She looks beautiful. H is missing everything.

H came over last night to see the dog. Took her for a long walk. D15 did not come out. She went to football game and then I went over neighbors to hang out which is good for me.

L Keep us posted. Even though we steal your stich every day -- we want the best for you and want to know how everything is going. How did your S like Halloween?? Get lots of candy? take care.