Signs to say WAW woke up?

[AmyC]

The single biggest problem all across these boards is people being too caught up in what THEY feel and what THEY want. The small percentage of people here that have gotten their own selfish wants and desires (and anger) under their feet are the ones most likely to see their marriages restored.

Let me ask you this: What price are you willing to pay for getting that stuff off your chest (you could have vented that sh*t here!)?

Amy,

I know your quotes my not perfectly apply this this thread, but I thought that they profound for many of us LBHs. You can't vent and validate at the same time. You can't listen and talk at the same time. You can't be right (again) and expect her to heal.

I hope that I am finally evolving to one of those who have put their feelings and anger under feet in hopes of their W's healing. We aren't talking about an R, but when we do talk, I am sensing her more and less of me. It's not that I don't feel me, but I've got to let her heal without worrying about me - at least in conversation.

I'd rather be in my marriage than right all the time.

Sorry to hi-jack, but I what you (and VC 54) are saying needs to be heard by us LBS.

Thanks, NewMe.

You sound like you are on the right track.

Good luck in your sitch.


AmyC

[dday101798]

Thanks again Amy.

Right now I think I've subconsiously told myself the very same thing and am just trying to figure out how to go about it.

I am still not initiating daily contact and leaving that up to her. Content of the conversation, also left to her. Also in light of my latest feeling I am keeping things short and sweet and not letting her know that what I exactly want is for her to try and 'come back' as you say.

Learning experience, for sure. Like I said, my friends think I am absolutely nuts, and at times I tend to agree.

I don't know which part of the ride is worse, the intial shock and awe of everything or this portion.

[dday101798]

WOW! Here's a sureal one, my horiscope for they day (yeah, girly I know, but all take what I can get):

"Take time to listen. A loved one needs to talk, and it would't hurt you to be there. Share your troubles to. Maybe you can help each other."

Damn that's border line creepy.

[dday101798]

Hmm,

Well, just got a call from W.

She called mainly to dicuss Halloween plans for the kids since it was her and her mother's favorite holiday and in light of current events, I am not doing anything special. We used to decorate up the entire house(s) and yards and go all out, smoke machines, animated dummies and me chasing older kids with a (chainless) chainsaw, was fun times.

So, since she has the pumpkins and all she asked if she could take them tonight and then I have them tomorrow. I know in the end result this probably means her and OM are going out, but hey, that's good, that's when they usually get in 'their' fights.

Anyhow, small talk ensued over the fact that I'm not doing anything speical, so I said no big deal, and that oddly enough I had this weird dream that we were out at some type of banquet hall and that her mother called me to see how she was doing (first dream I can remmember of her mother). W immediately gasps and says that's weird because she had a dream of her last night for the first time since March (original seperation and beginning of the end).

That is so cool. Her mom was always the one to keep her in line and talk to me when I wasn't quite doing things right for W. Is that weird or what?

We also got to talking about Christmas as I asked W if she knew of anything specific they want as there's only about 4 paychecks until and I need to budget accordingly. She got a bit on the somber side and said she didn't know how any of the holidays are going to be this year with everything going on. (her family is obviously not very supportive of her sitch).

So, all in all, good horoscope for the day, feeling very positive. No R talk pertained to the conversation, only her tone tells me she is limbo and I stayed upbeat. I did tell her I had just got done saving a research grant that was severely in deficit and they came out $50 extra bucks to play with when I got done straightening everything out, and she said "good job!". She never cared about my work that much?

Speaking of which, back to the grind for another 2 hours I have a funny feeling we end up with some type of get-together this weekend, who knows?

[dday101798]

Well, I screwed up again. W sent a a few picture messages of the kids carving their pumpkins and I really appreciated it, that was nice. She even went so far as to point out it was only her and our youngest doing all the carving when our oldest bailed on the job.

Later in the evening, one of my "house-mates" and I had a blowout after I found him drunk with this absurd blanket and pillow aparatis over a window in a mutual area and laying in my grandfathers flanel jacket that he took it upon himself to "borrow".

So, he stormed out and left me in a serious financial bind for the next few weeks, don't even know how I'm gong to pay for groceries starting tonight.

As a result, dummy me went about my usual way of handling blow outs with people and listened to some music and a few beers. I set the CD player to random and then one of her favorite songs came on "I'll be there for you" by Bon Jovi so what does dummy me do? Sends her a text "I'll be there for you". I immediately tried to correct this and sent "I'm sorry I shouldn't have sent that". Man I feel so stupid, might as well shot myself in the foot as previously stated huh?

She has been calling or texting every morning now for the past 2 weeks as things have improved between us. Today, nada, zip, nilch.

I have hopes that this is due to her having to be driven to work my OM as since she had both kids and they are bringing stuff to school today for halloween parties, OM took her to work when she has been calling or texting these past few weeks when her friend drives her in.

Damn, how bad did I scrw up? i don't see it being that bad, but, ug, I feel stupid, hungover none the less and stupid.

Well, she also has been calling at 10am on her break so I guess we'll see.

On a positive, horoscope(s) for the day"

Mine: "A expert can teach you an easier way to achieve your intended results. Use other people's experience, and save yourself time and anguish".

Heh, seems to fit the course of the day thus far.

Hers: "Entertaining at home looks like your best weekend option. You have a few chores that have been stacking up. Maybe your friends will help.".

Damn, I hope she calls here in a few.

[AmyC]

I don't know that I'd call any of us here "experts" but that's a very interesting horoscope ya got there, dday. That said, I don't personally put any stock astrology. I think it is manifested from the "wrong side of the tracks", shall we say...

At any rate, I don't think texting "I'll be there for you" was so bad.

Just don't drunk text anymore.

And don't apologize anymore for having sent it.

Just get back on the horse and ride.

[dday101798]

Thanks Amy. Still nothing today

Yeah, like I said, I know it's girly, but I'll take all what I can get to help stay upright and positive.

Ynd yeah, drunk texting, boy am I king. At least this time it wasn't something negative in the message. Especially given the situation last night.

That may actually some day work in my favor having her think "wow, he was pissed at someone and took 2 seconds out to do seomthing nice for me at the same time?" Formerly, when I was pissed at someone, I was pissed at the entire world, especially with a little fuel in the liver.

I did cave about a half hour ago and sent another text saying sorry fo the 2 texts, song came on and I had nice thoughts, thanks for the pics !(of the kids carving pumpkins that really was nice). Don't know, I guess I really got accustomed to that call or message every morning. Then it progressed to her calling me on her breaks, so I started to co-ordinate mine at the same time.

But, I know I should't have done that, probably comes accross as 'chasing' again. Arragh!!!! This "game" sucks. ***-rant

EDIT - Maybe something happened to her phone? Now that I think of it, I was out at dinner when she sent the pictures, I had the last message in asking her when did she start baking cookies? She never made cookies before. I chalked up the no response as OM either showed up or something. But she is very rough on her phonees, so who knows?

[Alliistah]

I wish you the best. My wife recently told me she was "done" and is now considered to be a WAW. We're still in the same house and sleeping in the same bed and she still wears her ring. She is not gone like your wife is but I can tell you that I am feeling a lot of pain like you are and I feel the struggle that you're going through. Since we're still together and I'm feeling like she is really done and just waiting to leave when the market improves, it is so very hard to see her. I see her every morning and every night and it just rips my heart out to know that I contributed to the problem.

I just want you to know that I'm thinking about you and I hope that you're able to find the strength to do the right things and hold back the wrong things. We both know what those are but I completely understand the whole "chase" thing. I posted a thread on what is chasing? How do I know what I can and can't do that would be considered chasing? I feel like if I back off too much she'll think I've given up. I feel like I want to do just a little something for her every now and again to let her know that my heart is still with her. I'm sure you feel the same.

I stopped chasing my wife on Monday and it's only Friday now. What an incredibly difficult thing to do! I almost thing it would be easier on my heart if I didn't have to see her every day but I know in my brain that if that was the case, it wouldn't be good either.

Either way my thoughts are with you and I wish you the best. We are both in this together because we both want our wives back. I'll be in touch.

Stand tall and strong,

-Alli

[dday101798]

Thanks Alli.

Unfortunately, things have taken what I feel a final turn for the worse.

When my W has spoken of any plans of what and how things may or may not work, she has always referred to a "deadline" of sorts in February of next year. She would consistantly say that it's because that's when her work load will die down from the holidays.

Ahh, enter the much anticipated "master plan" I have always wanted to know. I believe I have mentioned that our house in her father's name as he could get a better interest rate then we could (so I was told). Thus, I've been in the ackward sitation during this seperation of staying in it as she has no means to pay for it and has been "staying at her father's".

Well, my brother in law stopped by Friday night and revealed the plan. He and his W are preagnant and due in April. He finally came by and hung out a bit and finally informed everyone. Then out of nowhere, he says it will be so much nicer when THEY move from his house which is 90 miles away to take over "ours". And that the W and OM were going to move into "his" house when OM's lease is up at the end of January.

So yeah, I've been played like a dang fool. All this sweet talking and nice conversation, although some may have had some validity to them, just a ploy to keep me in the house until this while little plan can come to frutition. The mortgage was due Saturday of which I had to ride out to the bank first thing in the morning to withdrawl as FIL wants cash only. I've always had a funny feeling about that. And as of this morning, has not picked it up in fears of me confronting him about it. Don't see why, I don't care, take the damn house, it's nothing but memories anyway, he know this, I'd rather move out.

So, after the night that W and I were "together" I had blow off all the new friends I met as part of GAL-ing as she was jealous of them and one imparticular, being female, and yes we had a little thing going on. Well, since I now know I was being played, I made plans to reunite with the new friends and have fun again as it's good for me. My room-mate and I worked everything out and had a great weekend, despite the fact the when W found out I'd have company by for the weekend, she exploded!

Now wait just second here, she's calling me from OM's house whom she's living with for 4 months now, IN FRONT OF OUR KIDS, and has been with either in a PA or EA for who knows how long, but has the right to tell me who I will and I will not hang out with? WTF is that? She lies and says she wants to come home so badly and yet has long term plans for her and OM getting their "own" place together? WTF!!!!

We're supposed to be back on the non speaking term, yet W called me this morning. I didn't want to ruin my day with the potential for a fight first thing and declined the call. W left no message, nor sent one, so I don't know what's going on with that.

So either the jealousy of her knowing now that I've gone back to hanging out with new people and actually being happy instead of miserable eats away at her so badly and she wants in, or she files as she has so threatened yet again.

I'll still be here for her, but, I'm not going to get involved with ANY of her talk of the fate of OUR R when she is a part THEIRS. Heh, it's break time, wonder if she'll call?

[dday101798]

Well, commincation alas. Had to call W after receiving a call from son's school that he told his teacher he didn't have his field trip form or money because "I said he couldn't go". Man what a mess.

W is still in her mood and continues to lay me the blame and justification for her A solely on me. She sparked that conversation BTW. I don't get it I really don't. I understand she needs to take something to comfort for it but why, why are the one's left behind to blame?

Didn't get loud with her at all. Those days are over, those issues are not the focus of currnet life.

I started the practice of writing the "undelivered letter". Felt a bit better afterward but am confused by the fact that it serves no other purpose.

The biggest point in it, again, if even after all this, we can look each other dead in the eyes and have a complete conversation in mere seconds and connect to each other sole heartedly, that is forever undying unconditional love.

I hope something I said may tap her on the shoulder and she starts to look around and realize the wrong she is commiting. Otherwise, if she goes route of the way she wants (yet says Im' the one that wants D, okay go figure) and she files for D, reality is not going to be kind to her, not one bit.

I can't count how many friends she has turned her back on after they ask her what it is she really thinks she's doing. She feels that they all turned their back on her.

Uggh, what a mess, what a bloody mess.

-dday