All that you can't leave behind... (43)

[Kalni]

K,
everytime you visit I feel better. Strange...
I am trying hard to balance everything. If this was to work, I feel these days are cruicial about the form it will get. I am setting boundaries, you are right.

I cant fix this alone. I dont want to "make it" enough in my mind and wake up a year from now banging my head on the walls for being stupid, for not seeing the truth, for ...settling. If this isnt going to work, I am sure I will know pretty soon.
M

Well, if I am the best, I am telling you it sucks to be the best.

[AliSuddenly]

BUt even if you woke up in a years time.. you can change it then, change direction? I know you have your kids to think about, but then, its better to have tried? I dont know. Theres so much in 'flux' right now, I dont think we CAN make a measured decision and know how its going to turn out.

I think like Gypsy says, maybe just pick a direction and start swimming?

Besides, I guess he hasnt responded yet and it may take him a while too, if he is that busy at work and also, your email was pretty strong and demanded a good answer.

[Kalni]

Hey!!! I got an answer. It says

"I dont mind you being not talkative, since I am not either. It just just strikes me as strange because you usually talk more.
As far as what you say about balancing work and life(you), I disagree with you. I believe if there is understanding between us things will work out. I dont plan, nor am I able to, continue working like this for ever. Until then, all I can think of as an argument is that there are people that make it work in long distance relationships living across the ocean from each other.(Kalni=YEAH, tell ME about it!!!)
So, in conlusion I dont agree with you that we will end up again in a mess. And btw, although you said my work in not your business, please keep in that this is not a normal period for me, it's more difficult than ever and I dont expect it to last long"

Ali, check your crystall ball and tell me what you think...
K

[AliSuddenly]

Arghhh.. I wasnt expecting a response like that, were you??

He sounds defensive and threatened.. on the defensive, which is perhaps not surprising because you put it to him that you DONT think this can work.. yet he is stuck in this sitch with work. I dont like that he didnt offer to discuss it some more with you, but said he disagreed...but then he was probably panicking?...thats why he said "as an argument, you can be across the ocean and it still works" - but he is not being very realistic. Being across the ocean is hard, and it takes ALOT of effort and will on both sides and love to make that work and maybe it would be hard, or too hard, or lead to a sitch that you NOW find yourselves in. Now that you have already been through a year of S, thats not a good time to be separated by work !!! Things need to change, so he is not being realistic.

However, he says that he doesnt plan to keep working so hard and this particular hard time wont last...? So he is looking ahead? I think for him (like my ex who says work is MENTAL right now).. your H is being hit by the Uranus-Saturn thing across his Work-Home axis... just as me and you are being hit across our Self-Others (relationships) axis. It affects people in different ways, and seeing as he is crazy busy and its affecting his home life, I can see that that is how its manifesting for him right now (as it is for my ex, having to go work away on site and not be at home, because of work). So he cant help it !??

My advice? I have no idea !!! Keep an open mind and heart.. see how if unfolds and dont fight it. The universe is bigger and cleverer than both of us...

Ali xxx

[Forrest Gump]

"During our phonecall, I got angry. I am thinking, why the hell do I bother to even consider this? To end up offering hotel services to the man that hurt me? What for? I am about to grab that phone and let him have it. There is no way this is going to work if he continues like this. No way..."

How can you expect change.. when you really have not even decided what to do. You are focusing on the wrong thing.. you are focusing on the negative outcomes of your choices.. that leads me to believe.. you are acting a little "Emotional". You could walk away right now.. and years from now be beating your head wishing it was different.

You say that you have great intuition.. and your husband confirms this. Tell me right now your intuition is not telling you to take a go at this?

[Bworl]

So what is the grand gesture that he has made to send the loud and clear message that you are once again the center of his universe?

....??

....??


To be fair, I have not gone through a spouse choosing to return to a broken marriage. I am not even sure what wrongs there are that your husband needs to right. I am basing my remarks on a marriage that was all but dead in the water, only to undergo a last minute reprieve.


What bold statement has been made by his actions?

What has changed in the situation?

That is, what is different now from what led you to this point?


If all you have to work on right now is a verbal statement of interest in rekindling the marriage, I think he is coming to the table a bit light.


Shouldn't there be more?


If work, and the associated time away, was one of the bigger issues in the past, wouldn't a repentent husband be particularly aware of the need for changes in that area? Indeed, as you have said, shouldn't there be definitive steps that have been taken to show you that YOU have become number one priority for him again?


I truly believe that every marriage deserves the strongest effort possible in terms of trying to restore the relationship, particularly when children are involved. It was for that reason that I broke off all contact with Deb when her husband expressed a desire to try again.


No calls, no text messages, no email, no myspace. None.


But I left her with a message, and I implored her to hear my words and take them to heart:

Do not settle.


You see, she is wonderful woman, rich in love and the desire to love others. She is a tremendous mother and a faithful friend. She DESERVED to be treated like the woman that she was. She deserved to be cherished and valued. She deserved to be more important than work, than hobbies, than habits.


I don't know you well Kalni. But your friends here have described you as a woman much like my wife.


You should NOT settle for being second...or third...


Your husband KNOWS that it takes more than a desire and words. Every man KNOWS when they have traveled down a path that will require a significant expression of regret, remorse, and recommitment.


Do NOT settle.


You tell him what you expect, what you need. You tell him how you KNOW now what you need in a husband, a life partner. You be as clear as the day with him about this.


And see what he chooses to do.



Blessings,

Bill

[Sara]

It is the same thing that BBJ's H is doing. Negative thinking: it was bad, therefore it can't change. I wish you and your H could go get the retrouvaille training. Because they explain why it doesn't work if you hold back on the commitment until you feel the love build. Maybe that works in a dating environment, but in marriage you have go for all of it together -- the decisions to love, to forgive, to commit, and to trust. If you don't build the supports, the roof will cave in! Yes, it's dangerous to jump in with both feet. But on the other hand the decision was made years ago. All you have to do now is accept it.

[Kalni]

Sara,
there is no retrouvaille training in Greece and if we took it anywhere else, although he does speak English, I think he would have problems with the language.

As far the decision made years ago, yes you are right. Only he broke his promise to me and right now I dont feel anymore the "obligation" to stand for the M and give it my best if he doesnt do his part of the work.

Forrest, you are right about my intuition. It says "go for it" cause there is no other way to know for sure. I did get some glances of the old man I used to love so much. And it did make a difference as far as my night sleep (cant sleep well anymore).

Bill, you are right. I think my answer to all of your questions is no, nope, not yet, not specifically, not really. He didnt even answer to the mail where I asked him if he loves me and feels he doesnt/cant live without me.

I did tell him and wrote to him what I want. I did tell him that I feel I deserve more than what he used to give me, I did tell him work is an obstacle that plays a big role in our R and what became of it over the years. I did tell him I want to be his priority, his wife, friend, lover, his treat/gift using Bbj's words. I was very clear about all this. He said I have every right to ask for that and that maybe I should reconsider how I want all that expressed because he feels no matter what he will do, will not seem enough.

I got the same advice. Not to settle. I told you. To be honest, I think that is hard. Given this a try with HIM, it is settling in a way already. Considering the age of my kids I am afraid I will compromise for less than what I would wish for aiming to become reasonably happy and them to become really happy. When it comes to reality and everyday life I am afraid I need to keep my feet on the ground.

Forrest and Sara are right, Gypsy and Ali too saying you have to try to see if it will work. Maybe he will open up more and do more. The reason I am stalling this is that sooner or later, to see if it works, he would have to move in. And when that happens, it will not be easy to separate again and have the kids go through the whole break up sitch again. Does that make sense or am I crazy?
K

[ernest88]

Hey Kalni..have you seen actions from him?? Or just words??
I've followed a bit but not enough to know. Words mean nothing. Actions mean everything. Actions show changes happening. Dams can change but I think it should take significant actions on his part...ie..the work, it's a problem for you, the R, the M...I would think that's his first step..

I think Bill's post above speaks volumes..

nows the time for your STBXH to put up or shut up..IMO..show you, not just talk it..walk it

[mishka422]

The reason I am stalling this is that sooner or later, to see if it works, he would have to move in. And when that happens, it will not be easy to separate again and have the kids go through the whole break up sitch again. Does that make sense or am I crazy?

That makes total sense. You want to try because of what it would mean to you and your family for you to have a strong, intact M. You are afraid because of what you know it would do to your children. Trust me, having your H move out and in and out and in again and out one more time.....AWFUL! Not only to you but your kids would feel triple abandoned. It doesn't matter how involved your H stayed in their lives, they would still have abandonment issues. My son is nearly 14 and he gets agitated when I'm away from the house for more than a few hours and he knows I'm not at work. He knows that I am not going anywhere but it's a fear in his subconcious. If you can protect your children from that, please do.

Take everything slowly and rely on your H's actions. Have you told him that you are willing to give this a try through dating him? That would need to be what happens first. He would need to date you, court you, woo you back to him just like he did when you were dating. That would require that he give up some of his working time. If he is not willing to do that then I don't see a chance here. You're going to have to get him to commit to this. I don't know how you go about doing that though. I'm afraid I have ZERO advice where this is concerned. I didn't have an opportunity to tell my STBX that we could date and see where it led because I had to allow him to move back into the house in order for him to come home. That was the only way he was getting away from the broom.

Take the opportunity you have been given Maria. It can't hurt any worse than what you have been through and in the long run you could end up with a strong, intact M.

Could I suggest that if you get your H to agree to date, do not tell your children and don't let him pick you up at the house. Meet him out somewhere. You wouldn't want your children to get their hopes up.