Quoting tehach: Avoidance of conflict is so much easier than grasping the issue squarely. Generally though it seems to me that it can build resentment and make the issues larger than they started.
Yes, it sure seems to be easier at times to just avoid the conflict, doesn't it? But yes, you're right that doing this CAN make the resentments and anger grow.
Maybe it's not always so much IF we have conflicts, but HOW we have conflicts. What kinds of boundaries we have for "attack" and "defense". Just what our "fight rules" are, so that the other person can feel safe, and still be able to voice there opinions.
What kind of rules do any of us have set up that seem to work? What have you seen from any couples you know that can successfully deal with conflict? How does your style differ, and what can you learn from them?
I think this is the important thing.
Conflict is inevitable.
Intensity level, styles of arguing, and styles of making up all vary.
My partner and I never fight over anything major. But we'll argue over our styles of dealing with conflict more than anything else.
I think it has to do with how we handle our anxiety, tension levels, how things happened in our families.....but have become our 'habits'. I don't think they are unchangeable things and un-understandable things. I don't think we have to exorcise our past for most of us. Just practice a modified style.........or for some of us....a 180....just to shock our partner.
I agree with you that avoiding the conflict can sometimes make matters worse. Little resentments that build up kill love.
For us a rule that doesn't work....is to deal with everything right away.....to never go to bed angry. Trying to force that rule makes my partner angry.
So a rule for us is to let each other have our space (even if I don't want it and talk about it when he's ready.....he feels physically better about it...he feels better about us and me when we do it this way.......I'm not happy about the space it takes, but I appreciate the gentleness with which he handles the situation when he's ready....if he's not ready, it doesn't go well.
Another rule......to breathe....it lowers the intensity, the tight physical feelings.
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
and talk about it when he's ready.....he feels physically better about it...he feels better about us and me when we do it this way.......I'm not happy about the space it takes, but I appreciate the gentleness with which he handles the situation when he's ready....if he's not ready, it doesn't go well.
