Trying2Live-Post #3

[AllW8SBF]

You know I really just don't know if I'm doing this all wrong. When we have these good days I think I'm doing it right, when there are bad, I'm doing it wrong.

I get home today - early for me. He's up on the computer - as usual. I start prepping dinner - I had told him I was going out and if he could tape his show. He asked what I was making and then he himmed and hawed about me making dinner - no you don't have to oh go ahead make it, when do you have to leave? Ah nah don't cook dinner, you've got enough to do.
So I didn't, I took my shower, redressed in work out clothes (I sweat a lot and so coming from the gym I was already a rag a muffin), then I ironed my halloween costume.
He says we need to figure out before you leave tonight how tomorrow is going to work (going to the Blackhawks game) we figured that out.
Then I smell cigarette smoke, he smokes like a pack a YEAR. So I'm like why does it smell like cigarettes, he said he had one, (in the mean time I'm doing thing around the house as he's talking), he said he lit it inside but smoked it outside. Let the dog out, etc. I'm like oh ok. Then he just sounds grumpy so I'm like are you angry (kinda thinking he's angry cause I'm going out and his show doesn't come first), he says he's been having a rough few days at work and him and his boss had their first misunderstanding - he started about a 3 weeks ago.
He really doesn't want to go into the details but he told me vaguely what was going on. THen here is the bad part - He says I know you have some place to be, I say well I can make time for you - My skin crawled when that came out, it sounded so second place, but i'm protecting my heart and not being a dumping ground, but tryign to be a friend.
He gruffs at that. (not sure if I am speaking for him here, but as if like I said - it sounded like he is so second place)
Then he says, you know in the coming days/weeks he's going to be sleeping in the other room, cooking his own dinner, washing his own clothes. And he's like I know you do those things but I don't expect you to, if you want to fine. I just shake my head in acknowledgement (not sure what to say, trying to fight back the "NO don't I want you in my bed, and I want to take care of you...")
But I say you know as far as cooking and washing clothes, you know it's easier for me if I'm cooking dinner to cook for two than one, and then also on the clean up, less pots, pans, etc. And then laundry doing it together then that is less water use and detergent use if it's done together.

He says well I'm not sure how logistically it will work.

I'm like ok - all happy, and off I go to get ready.

He comes in asking all kinds of questions - you going to a halloween party tonight, did "Sandi" invite you to a party? I don't answer the questions, just say no, I'm just going out. Total no info.

I tell him I'm leaving dressed in workout clothes.

I come home and he's on the phone with another possible woman-date. I can vaguely here the conversation. I get ready for bed. He gets off the phone - I hear him say if I leave at 4:45 I can be there in a half hour.

He asks for my media stick so he can put the show on it. I ask how it went he said good, how was your night - I say good, and walk away.

Then he follows me into the bedroom and starts asking questions H- how was your night (again - he already asked that),
M- No answer
H-how's "Sandi",
M- I didn't talk to her today, I was busy at work.
H-He's like so you werent out with Sandi.
M - No answer.

This is good you love this one

H - Are you not telling me because it's none of my business or because I'll get mad?
M - What could you get mad about
H - (he takes a few to answer this)Nothing

H - So you went out to a bar
M - No I just went out
H - If you don't want to tell me you don't have to
M - I don't want to here what you do when you go out.
H - oh ok
H - Well Jen Goodnight
M - Well Chris Goodnight to you

He is about to close the door, and then stops, you know, I'm just happy your going out and doing things (pause), cause I'm going out and doing things. And I'm like good we are both going out and doing things.
He closes the bedroom door and goes to the computer.

You know sometimes I think like faith you've said, he is calling out help me, stop me, don't let me see these woman. But if I do anything like try to show my love he pushes me away and tells me not to, like above. I just don't know if I'm coming or going.

And here is a real rant - WHAT kind of WOMAN are these, that go after a man who says that he is separated, I mean geesh, just really try to pull the guy out of the marriage. I say that because I have on my profile (I put one out there just to make me feel good if I got some interest - WHICH I HAVEN'T) Separated, and no guy has had any interest. And it's not like I'm ugly - I am quite attractive. But these woman still go after him, he doesn't even have a divorce and he has told me he's letting them know the sitch that we can't divorce till we pay off more of our debt -so that will be a while, so they will have to wait. I mean come on.

Oh by the way - I did go last night but all I did was sit in a room, play with my phone, and watch some volleyball. Oh and I was asked once if I wanted to play and I was so scared I said no!
I hate sitch like that - I need an in, once I've opened up I'm good but getting to that point I'm horrible.