God grant me the patience and the strength...8

[WCW]

Sending positive cyber vibes.

[theotherhalf]

Today was probably the hardest day of my life. I had to sit in that court room and tell the judge that I plead guilty to a crime that I don't feel I committed. I had to listen the judge, and the L's call OW a victim over and over again.

I plead guilty to 3rd Degree Burglary a class D felony. The judge deferred judgement to Oct 30, 2011. I was sentenced to 3 years formal probation. A $750 fine plus court costs. Victims' restitution and a 5 year no contact order with OW.

I am guilty of trying to save my M. I am guilty of beating the crap out of the woman that slept with MY husband. I am guilty of entering that house when the door came open. There was no intent that night. None what so ever. It just happened. I wish more than anything I could take it back. But I can't and now I have to forgive myself for becoming someone I'm not.

H called me before I got out of court. I didn't call him back. I delayed going home as long as I could because he was one of the last persons I wanted to see or talk to. Unfortunately he was still here, but gone with a load of beans. I shut the door when he pulled in. He came in anyway. Asked "well what's going on?" I ignored him at first. He asked "well?". I said, I really don't want to talk to you right now. And it's probably in your best interest if I don't" He started to go then said "tell me what happened". I told him. He has never looked so sad, guilty, and down. I ignored him, today is about ME.

We talked a long while. He then went out to change heads on the combine. I wrestled with myself. He's going to need help. He can ask if he needs it. He won't under the circumstances. I went out and started helping him, we said nothing to each other, just started working together to get the job done. Afterwards he said he was going over to check cows. He asked if I wanted to ride along. "sure" i said, he hung out for a bit when we got back. He said see you later, then stayed a bit longer. Finally he left for home.

He doesn't deserve any kindness from me, let alone my time. But today I am above being "right" or "better". It's not my responsibilty to punish him or make him pay. I trully believe he is still human. He screwed up. He hates himself for what he's done. He has to live with that. He has to choose to fix that or not. I choose to forgive and love him unconditionally. What happens tomarro ???

[theotherhalf]

Good morning everyone.

Kind of a rough one yesterday. There is a LOT of thinking going on in TOH'S crazy head. Yesterday seemed to be an end to a very long chapter. Wondering where it will go now...

well wishes to each of you...
TOH

[Andabelle]

Glad that's over, anyway. Just remember, it could have been so much worse. You really dodged a bullet.

[WCW]

I am happy to hear you are 'free'. I agree with your thinking that you had to plea to a crime you didn't commit, I agree it was wrong. I suppose if the money was available you could have tried to fight it with a jury trial? Remember now you have probation but you are still able to live in your home with your kids.

toh, would you consider some type of meds to help you steady out? look at your post about yesterday, you are spinning faster than your H.

[Nutty Chick]

I get the feeling TOH is doing what she thinks her husbands wants to get him to return, in which case … are the changes genuine and long lasting?

This feeling is very wrong. Honestly H maybe wanted this before he left. He should have said so. He should have included me more. Appreciated me for what I DID do. Respected me enough to ask me to help, not demand me too when it was convient to him. Relized that I had other obligations besides him. But it's too late to go back. Being more involved in the farm is something that I realized I WANT to do now before it is all gone. I may not get this chance again. It really has nothing to do with H. It's ME and what I want. And whether or not this lasts is up to whether or not we keep this farm.

So he wasn't respectful to you before he left either?

when we work together he treats me like I am an employee not a partner. he expects me to jump at his beck and call no matter what I may be doing. he has no patience with me. he is a terrible teacher, then expects me to know what and how. Then I found myself makeing exuses to not help. It was just easier to stay away and leave him to do it.

So, what DO you like about working with him?

I always WANT to ML with my H. It's just easier not to sometimes. And I guess I used it to punish him for not "loving" me the way I needed him to. Or I would wait for him to initiate because I WANTED him to, and he was waiting for me. Lack of communication between us on sex is a HUGE issue as well. It seems we both have very high walls built between us when it comes to sex...

How have things changed now? he is still not loving you the way you want / need...

I put on weight because it's in my genes. I come from a long line of "heavy" people. And I LOVE food. And like to cook, if I'me going to cook it, I'm going to eat it. And I have NO will power.

eating for comfort?

nutty x

[theotherhalf]

And,
Yea me too!! Yes I did.

WCW,
My L said he would have loved to taken this all the way. He feels all it was was a young PA making a name for himself. But the risk of going to prison was too great. If I didn't have my girls I may have pushed it as well. It wasn't right, but is what it is. And trust me there is NO danger of me getting into more trouble. Those two are not worth any of this.
I am okay WCW, really I am. Alot of stuff going on in my head. Working through alot of emotions. And yea, I am spinning some, why wouldn't I be? But I am okay. I really don't want to do the meds. I did last year and they did help, but I don't want to back up I want to move forward.

NC,
No not alot of the time. H never was taught how to respect a woman. His F was terrible to his M. No exuse, just was. I like working with my H because this is my farm too. I WANT to be a part of it. I want to learn. I want to share the load. And most times we work together just fine.
No H still does not "love" me the way I need. That is why I don't initiate anymore. Not going to set myself up for the hurt anymore. I trully believe he has nothing in him right now. He is a shell of a man that I used to know. With patience, understanding, and God's will, someday maybe that will change.
No I eat because I REALLY LOVE food. That and because I get bored.

Thanks all,
TOH

[theotherhalf]

Help me all to not be reading too much into this...to not be having expectations...to be still...

Fri. night H was here when I got home from work AGAIN. Him and BIL. We had a fire, and just hung out for the evening. H ended up getting pretty drunk and pissy. He ended up going home and I was just fine with that. He called me twice after he got home and asked me to come in. I told him no. Let him ramble, did not get pulled in and that was it.

Saturday was my birthday. Last year I got a phone call that was it. This year H was here at 11 am. He asked me to help in the fields. Started combining. We did that all day. The guys hung out with me awhile when we got done. H asked me to ride into town with them to go to another BIL's. I was pretty leary. It has been over a year that I have been in the same vehicle with H when he has been drinking. He'd only had a couple of beers but was worried about later. I said "ride with you?" he said, well you can drive. " I said, I don't care, I guess". We sat in there for an hour or so. Then H asked if I was ready to go. We got into the truck and he said "it's your b-day, what do you want to do?" I said, "I don't care". He said, "no I don't want to hear I don't care, what do YOU want to do? Head for CR, IC, where ever you want". I felt like it was a test to see if I could come up with something spontaneous and fun. I failed. It was 9:30 pm, we are flat broke, had only a 1/4 tank of gas. I came up with nothing...so, we drove around the gravel roads for quite awhile. We listened and sang to country music. It was marvelous. The song came on "the man I wanna be". When the part came "I'd like it if you would roll with me" H reached out and took me by the hand and held it. Drunk or not, it grabbed me by the heart. We came home, talked, laughed, ate, and laid on the living room floor to watch a movie and both fell asleep. It was a wonderful birthday...

Sund. we spent the day combining. H even asked me to ride in the combine with him. When we got back to the house he said he should go home. I was making supper. He asked what I was making. He said it sounded good and asked if he could stay. I said of course. He stayed till going to work. While he was in the shower his phone rang. It was laying on the coffe table right in front of me. I looked at it. It was restricted. I knew right away who it was. When he got out I told him he had a missed call. He ignored me. Like he knew right away who it was. I told him again. He said "who was it" I said "it was a restricted number" he said "hm" went around the corner in the kitchen and said "wTf does she want" I said, what he said "wTf does she want" I said "is that who it was?" he said "well I imagine if it was a restricted number" I said, "that's what I figured". I didn't say any more, he didn't either. When he left I told him thankyou for a good weekend, that I really enjoyed myself.

This morning he came again after work. We moved machinery to field, he said thank you and went home. Was going to stay but needed some things from home. Tonight he is combining and I see he has clothes in his truck....

Hmmm....????

[theotherhalf]

Anybody have any suggestions/ideas???

I am really bugged with myself that I couldn't come up with something "fun" to do the other night. My H laid it out there that we could do ANYTHING I wanted and I couldn't come up with one idea. Well I did but I didn't want to make it about sex so motels was out, besides too expensive.

If your spouse said this to you, what would you do??

[Dawn of Hope]

Well, dinner out would be my first thought, then for us, tennis, mini-golf, movie out in an actual theatre...going someplace to look at the stars or the river or something....board/card games, puzzles, 20 questions...? Those are my ideas off the top of my head.

Peace,
Dawn