W wanted to talk about a hockey tournament out of town next weekend for S13 and it escalated.
Got it all...
- controlling for 18 years
- didn't I learn about passive-aggressive at counselling. (I slipped here and said that yes, I actually learned that I have been controlled for many years - she didn't like that).
- w wants D and I will do nothing to meet her half way
- going for court order to get me booted from this house
- why don't I go stay at my mothers
- K's don't want to live like this (I agreed with her there)
- doesn't have income so I should move (I did say she should get a job and her reply was ok, after the settlement)
- I couldn't even go to C with K's (W said she told me date and time which was bs - I heard from my L less than 16 hours before it was to happen and it was with W's counsellor which my IC said was not good in itself unless I was there from the start).
- I only hear what I want to hear but don't hear it all
I tried to remain calm. I did use the "d is not my choice - it is yours" a few times and of course it was thrown back at me.
W said that me sleeping in room was controlling. When asked why, she said because I cannot. I then said well, that is your choice. I choose to sleep in my bed. She then pulled the "well, now D11 doesn't have a bed" to which I responded "well, you made the choice to leave the room". Again, control accusation.
Funny thing - when it is not her way it is controlling by me...
She was livid with my letters from the L. That was evident tonight.
I didn't control myself as best I could. I did, however, stop her once with a "if you are going to continue with rude comments we will stop right now" to which she got all defensive.
I asked why she thinks I should move when she wants out. More kid things used as reasons (definite pattern here - k's becoming pawns in her game). Hey Puppy, guess I nailed that one.
In the end, she got frustrated and left the room "before she lost control" as she put it.
She was angry! And, although I do not want to try to read into it too much, she appears desperate.
She even came up with an I can stay in the house with the k's for a week and then she will. After, it became she will stay here during week and I can on weekends. F that!
I could have lost it many times, but did not.
She actually mentioned that this house would need to be sold. That was a first.
As we were chatting, I was looking in her eyes and realized I do not know who the F this woman is anymore. I could, for the first time, realistically see us being apart... and was not too discouraged. Is that detachment or partially admitting defeat? I don't know.
All I do know is I am not moving. My rationale remains: a) She wants out b) She is living the single married life c) She went outside the M
Therefore, a+b+c= her leaving.
The fun continues...
LIS
M45 WW 43 D17/S14/D11
ILYB Jan 08 PA Conf Feb 08 OMW / OM contacted S Jan / 09
No one ever has, or ever will, escape the consequences of their actions.
You are doing well by standing your ground on the bed and the house. You also took every chance that you could to make sure that you reinforced that it is SHE that wants out. Not you!
you sure we don't have the same wife?? Your post is like a mirror
Controlling to them= responsible in reality
I have gotten the kids are pawns speech
I have gotten the kids are miserable/to hard on them speech
You are doing well Obi Wan........
54, thanks. I wish I was as sure as many here that i am "doing well". Not so sure. I feel strong during the conv but then always seem to second guess myself.
Originally Posted By: marriedCrazy
You are doing well by standing your ground on the bed and the house. You also took every chance that you could to make sure that you reinforced that it is SHE that wants out. Not you!
MC, I did make the point that this was her decision as much as I could. She actually did agree and say she owned this, right before wondering why I haven't suggested that she can use the bedroom half time. BTW, she did sleep with D11 last night...
Originally Posted By: whatdidido
The OM is feeding her lines. You did well. REmember, this is NOT your wife....she's not thinking clearly.
((((wdid)))) I certainly want to believe that she is not thinking clearly, but sometimes I wonder. You are right, this is NOT my wife, nor is it the K's mother... :sad:
LIS
M45 WW 43 D17/S14/D11
ILYB Jan 08 PA Conf Feb 08 OMW / OM contacted S Jan / 09
No one ever has, or ever will, escape the consequences of their actions.
I obviously wasn't there, but I actually thought you handled it very well. You remained calm, which was key, and bounced the accountability back onto her, where it belongs ("this is your choice," etc.).
I wouldn't worry about the truth darts thing; I'm 100% confident that you'll have repeated opportunities to land ALL of those you felt you missed (and I loved the one you mentioned about being their mother).
I know this doesn't feel this way to YOU, but from where I sit, you really don't need to do ANYTHING right now. Just maintain your positions. Stay in the house, stay in the marital bed, and if she doesn't like it, she can leave. There's really not any legal or financial leverage she has on you right now; she has some EMOTIONAL leverage, but only if you allow her to push your emotional buttons, which you're doing a good job of avoiding for the most part.
You can't do this forever, but FOR RIGHT NOW, just HOLD GROUND. I agree with WDID, she came back from her trip all "loaded" with a gameplan fed by OM, and after a week's worth of secluded planning, this was the best she could come up with??? Bluster and a re-hashing of "you're controlling" and "I want a divorce" and "why don't you leave?!" ????
Pretty weak.
Stay in your house, stay in your bed, and maintain ALL of your positions. Do it calmly, avoid her attempts to pick a fight, and remain "upbeat Joe Friday."
btw, this will cause her to BLOW, so be prepared. The "court order to get (you) removed from the house" may be an idle threat, but as I've said before, she has no leg to stand on here UNLESS you get abusive. My guess is she tries to provoke you.
LIS.....my brutha from anotha mutha....remember this.....every "legal action" that threaten us with costs $$$$$$. Get us thrown out=$. Restraining orders=$. She is blowing smoke.....cause that's all she got!! Unless your wife can communicate with Johnny Cochrane...ducks back bro....ducks back!!!
H 34 W 31 M 11yrs D 11 D 9
6-1-08 I wanted to fix marriage 6-11-08 I found out about OM
I obviously wasn't there, but I actually thought you handled it very well. You remained calm, which was key, and bounced the accountability back onto her, where it belongs ("this is your choice," etc.).
I wouldn't worry about the truth darts thing; I'm 100% confident that you'll have repeated opportunities to land ALL of those you felt you missed (and I loved the one you mentioned about being their mother).
I know this doesn't feel this way to YOU, but from where I sit, you really don't need to do ANYTHING right now. Just maintain your positions. Stay in the house, stay in the marital bed, and if she doesn't like it, she can leave. There's really not any legal or financial leverage she has on you right now; she has some EMOTIONAL leverage, but only if you allow her to push your emotional buttons, which you're doing a good job of avoiding for the most part.
You can't do this forever, but FOR RIGHT NOW, just HOLD GROUND. I agree with WDID, she came back from her trip all "loaded" with a gameplan fed by OM, and after a week's worth of secluded planning, this was the best she could come up with??? Bluster and a re-hashing of "you're controlling" and "I want a divorce" and "why don't you leave?!" ????
Pretty weak.
Stay in your house, stay in your bed, and maintain ALL of your positions. Do it calmly, avoid her attempts to pick a fight, and remain "upbeat Joe Friday."
btw, this will cause her to BLOW, so be prepared. The "court order to get (you) removed from the house" may be an idle threat, but as I've said before, she has no leg to stand on here UNLESS you get abusive. My guess is she tries to provoke you.
Puppy
Puppy, Thanks. For some reason I needed to hear some reinforcement (or shots if necessary )today and am certainly getting it from my friends here. I will maintain my position. I am getting used to it... She was loaded, but you are right. Not much new. The only exception was that I could have the house if I wanted it... Not that I believe that for a second!
I am ready for her to blow... am waiting for that! Funny when I ask her to validate / explain a statement, that almost seems to tick her off more than anything! Like "just believe what I say you pri*k" is the message.
Steady as she goes...
Originally Posted By: carpenter54
LIS.....my brutha from anotha mutha....remember this.....every "legal action" that threaten us with costs $$$$$$. Get us thrown out=$. Restraining orders=$. She is blowing smoke.....cause that's all she got!! Unless your wife can communicate with Johnny Cochrane...ducks back bro....ducks back!!!
54, thanks bro. Time to dust off my "Teflon Man" suit! Likely will need it in the days ahead. I know - believe none (or very little) of what they say. That used to be my mantra - have to dust that record / CD off...
LIS
M45 WW 43 D17/S14/D11
ILYB Jan 08 PA Conf Feb 08 OMW / OM contacted S Jan / 09
No one ever has, or ever will, escape the consequences of their actions.
BTW, she did sleep with D11 last night...