Thanks guys, glad you liked the post. Wasn't trying to make anybody cry, just trying to give the perspective I have by being older (which I do not consider to be my best quality, but the hairdresser is doing a good job hiding it for me).
Kalni, I agree about the big gesture. In After the Affair by Janis Spring, she talks about a need for the returning spouse to make a big commitment to the marriage, usually something monetary. My H prides himself on not spending money, but I wanted to see some expensive grand gesture that he was in for the long haul -- i.e. an expensive piece of jewelry. This was not happening fast. First he took me to an arts show and bought me some mother of pearl earrings. I acted happy. Then he bought me a silver necklace, but I was still not getting what I wanted. Another month or two, and he bought a very expensive marble table for the house (but he would have taken it in a separation, so I still thought that doesn't count.) And then, finally, for my birthday, six months later, a gorgeous necklace. Not cheap. Gold and diamonds. Really nice. That's when I relaxed. Janis Spring is right. He does need to do that.
Hi there Kalni - have followed your posts for a long time - but one thing that popped up recently has made me want to post to you :
"I was not interested at all in his work. In fact, since I partly blame his work for us getting here, I hate his job, couldnt care less.."
....how come you hate H;s work so much? What is it about that work? hate his job! Does he hate yours? if not - why not? You hate his...? What is it about his job you hate? Why do you not care less? Does he have the same attitude to your work?
When my S6 was born - i felt largely supurfluous to the events I was in the middle of - still had to go to work, but also part of but not part of all the wonderful things going on...
I can relate to this as a feeling I sense from my w:
- i blame my work now, a lot, for contributing to to the demise of my relationship/marriage -
I have to observe...that my urge/need to stay important in the world, my self worth if you like, while my w was caught up in raising my S6 - not saying that was right - far from it - just that this way of a H dealing with life is not unusual..was achieved through work.
I felt resentful of it...expected to bring home the cash, but not part of the new exciting world, wasn't allowed to be in ...things were going on in W's world...I couldn't participate fully in them - i ended up as an outside observer...
What I'm saying Kalni - is - if your h is anything like me - what he wants is for you to recognise his world - chances are - he's same as me - he has a pride in his job, he's probably very good at it and for him, it helps define him in life but at the same time he probably plays its significance down...
Have done thinking now.... Best- gFI
Me: 40ish W: 40ish Together: 20 ish years Married: 10ish Years
Sara, he used to do romantic things for me so a gesture meaning :I am sorry, I love you, I didnt mean to hurt you, trust me, let's give this a try, would be helpful.
GFI, I was very supportive all these years. I was proud of him, advised him, was always interested in what he does. In the end, (he works 6 days a week including Sun), he was leaving at 9 o'clock in the morning, coming back at 22:00, as family we couldnt go away on a weekend, our vacation was according to his schedule (and not to mine for example, I work too), I was resposnible for the house, the home, the clothes, the bills, the cars, the grocerry shopping, the kids' schedules, babysitters, family (his more than mine), EVERYTHING.I was begging him to take a day off so we could leave just the 2 of us and he would say "no, cant do, you know my work". Not to mention 60-80 days per year travelling. Right now his work schedule is worse. He finishes around midnight so by the time he would get home I should be sleeping because I get up at 7 to get the kids ready, drop them to school and continue to work. We will only have one day, Sat to talk, connect, spend time with the kids, go out, see our friends, our family etc...
That's why I hate his job and anything related to it. That's why I hate football.
I had a feeling last night, it struck me that if I WAS in your position now, I would be having those feelings too, is this too much, has he pushed me too far, do I have any hope/respect left that this could be the man I wanted. I just wanted to say, the penny dropped on how you could be feeling the way you have!
Secondly.. you said "The truth was that I was not interested at all in his work. In fact, since I partly blame his work for us getting here" -but you also said
"We spent 10 minutes on the phone talking about his work. During our last face to face discussion, he said he realises he should share with me more what's going on at work so I have an idea how his life outside our home is. So, he was extra willing to tell me every little detail..."
.. so, he was thinking it was what you wanted?? So he doesnt really understand yet, how you really feel about all this then, clearly. Did he also mean to reassure you about his work life, as he met his EA there?
What struck me most about your post though was perhaps still a lack of communication/honesty. You hadnt been able to say EXACTLY how you felt/wanted all year, becuase DBing does not allow for us to put our needs/emotions on the WAS.. but he is back now, so you can. And if you are feeling despondent about it working out, then you really have nothing to lose by being COMPLETELY HONEST with him?
So - if you thought " I will soon get frustrated if he doesnt do somekind of a big nice gesture" - then TELL HIM! Tell him that you expect this and are hurt that he is not pulling out all the stops to win you back and even if that means going the extra mile, or stepping out of his comofort zone, or taking a day off work (and who the hell cares if they are laying people off?? His M and W are hanging by a thread, put some effort in man!).. Perhaps you are waiting for him to do it, to prove to you he has changed/does love you.. but theres so much swirling around you two, I just think its better to be open and honest now?
I also agree with GFI.. that work is very important to a man, to his sense of identity and status and especially once kids arrive and they feel the pressure to provide, or maybe a little left out with the W being Mum. Also though, your H does sound like a very work orientated man, even now, its pivotal to him, isnt it? That might not change, unless you tell him clearly... forget the money, time is more important.. RESIGN ONE OF YOUR JOBS!? You cant do two at once and work till midnight.
I agree with you, if he carries on like that, I cant see how your M might surive, you will be back at square 1 in 6 months except this time it will be you thats the WAS, having an EA.
Do you really feel at a deadend?? I think you should tell him how disappointed you are. Especially about his workaholic-ness! Al xxxxx
Al, I enjoy our morning talks... I am glad you feel stronger although upset...
I have already asked him what his plan is about work. He said he was planning to leave one of the two but recently some things changed and he cant. I did tell him we cant survive and he said his father and mother did it. Of course his mom never worked and she could wait up for his dad and they had the mornings together since he worked late at night but not in the morning... And 30 years ago, life was different...
Believe me, I have been very patient and supportive about this work in the past. I have been his advisor and he has admitted that a few times I was the one that directed him to the "right move" because he says my intuition and logic are amazing...
I have been completely honest with him Ali, I dont hold back. There are some things that if I request for them from him, their value would not be the same anymore...
Yes, I can see myself, strugggling down the road. K
PS After that phonecall yesterday in the morning, he never called back. I know he is busy with work and all that, but frankly, I dont care. I've been there, done that. I should be his first priority if he wants this marriage to have another chance.
So, stbxH called a few minutes ago. Started chit chat. "How is it going,, how is your dad, any news etc etc". I am polite but dont offer much ground to start a convo. Still I asked him a couple of questions about his work when he said that last night he was done at 5 in the morning and the night before at 4.
During our phonecall, I got angry. I am thinking, why the hell do I bother to even consider this? To end up offering hotel services to the man that hurt me? What for? I am about to grab that phone and let him have it. There is no way this is going to work if he continues like this. No way...
God I am angry!! I feel naive for some reason... And Ali, I didnt get our horoscope. I need to re read it. K
Ah, hey you... I have been feeling euphoric, laughing my head off thinking.. what an idiot! Why did he do this! I am worth so much more! I wouldnt say I was angry, but... slow down, dont grab the phone!
If he was at work till 4 or 5, then he is genuinely under alot of pressure indeed (that is ridiculous). Wait until you are calmer and tell him that his working led to the problems in your M before (?) and it wont work if he isnt prepared to change that? I wouldnt react now, with emotion.. its not a good day to do that..
Mars (anger!) is linked to Uranus today (sudden, unexpected outbursts!) so, you may regret an outburst? Or.... suppose it could mean a breakthrough, something erupting out.. the truth!?
The post was about the Saturn-Uranus opposition I think wasnt it, that push/pull between Uranus (planet of divorce!) in Pisces, making us rebellious and wanting freedom and new frontiers and change, to Saturn opposite (represents our partner, symbollically and Saturn is the planet of M!) - and Saturn is pulling us towards the old, familiar and commitment and hard work. It rubmbles on for the next 2 yeasrs though and we have to choose, or will be given, either Uranus, or Saturn.
Seems like you are being offered Saturn but are wanting to rebel and disrupt everything and choose Uranus. For me, I thought I was being given Uranus, but was craving Saturn.
Get it? It started today but comes to boiling point on 3rd-4th
Love you! (I am not upset anymore, I am ... SMILING !!!! I caught up with you at last)
Good afternoon....any plans for a Friday Night Jack?
We are going to go trick or treating here for Halloween...
Thinking of you...my H was gone until midnight last night "checking on the cows". I had some frustrated feelings, too.......... I just handled mine with a glass of Crown Royal...
Well, I handled mine with a "calm" email saying first that I am sorry for no t being very talkative and also that I understand the pressure he goes thorugh but it's not my business anymore and that I cant see how this marriage can be saved under current ciscumstances. To me it is obvious that his work doesntleave room for "life". That we'll be going down the same road again in no time and I wonder if he sees any way to avoid that the way things are at the moment. Of course, no reply... K
A Jack sounds good and it's only (almost) 16:00 here...
I was once told.. don't worry about whether a decision is perfect; just make one. Once you have momentum it's easier to see which direction to go.
What you're doing is incredible... keeping an open mind but holing to your convictions, setting your boundaries for the relationship you need. I used to call it (in reference to spouse) "getting his peepee whacked." Hmm.. I should have done it more.
I understand the binge eating. I know I'm stuffing emotions down (food, too) as I move forward with things that scare or upset the living daylights out of me.
I just handled mine with a glass of Crown Royal...