1. Conflict and anger are signs that your relationship is failing.
Most of our MC has been around this issue. No, I don't think that conflict and anger are signs of a failing relationship, but until now, my H definately thought conflict/anger = bad relationship & love stinks.
He's a big conflict avoider, whereas I am more of a talk things through and compromise sort of person. I learned to become more of a conflict avoider with H because: 1. He thought conflict/anger = bad relationship & love stinks and I didn't want him to walk out. 2. If I got angry with him or complained about anything, he considered it a personal attack and wondered why I would stay with him if some of his behavior made me very unhappy. He would often say I "would be better off with someone else". 3. When my frustration/anger level rose to the boiling point, and I couldn't hold back any longer, I would try to stay calm when expressing myself, but H would either: a. Say we should split up because conflict/anger = bad relationship & love stinks, or b. Begin to do a spaz dance of rage & storm away. 4. Even though I knew that conflict and anger were normal in a relationship and that we needed to work together to compromise, H didn't know that. When I initiated a conflict or showed anger, his reactions were so extreme that I became afraid to have any conflict. 5. We both ended up storing up resentments and not communicating about what was bothering us. We withdrew more and more from each other, both feeling unloved and taken for granted. Hurt and silent anger set in on a daily basis and made room for a 3rd person to come between us.
When are the times that you've been able to deal with anger and conflict successfully? When has it worked for them, and when has it worked for you? What were you both doing at the time?
Well, after the bomb, there was a great deal of conflict and anger. I did a lot of raging & we both said a lot of things we both wish we hadn't. The thing that kept us together through that was that when one was being very negative and raging, the other would remind of all the things to be hopeful and grateful about. We kept pulling each other back from the brink of ending things. We now know that we can be furious with each other and still survive it.
MC and IC are helping H realize that he has some very unrealistic ideas what a good relationship is, and has some very dysfunctional methods of dealing with conflict and anger. He is learning that I can love him and still be angry, I can like and accept him, but still ask that he change some behavior that I feel is destructive to our R. He is learning that he can safely do the same with me.
I am learning how to temper my way of bringing up problems in a way that won't be misconstrued as personal critisism or general dissatisfaction with our R.
We have both identified the weapons that we have been using against each other, including holding resentments & pouting, silent treatment & withholding affection, controlling behavior, self-righteousness, using temper to intimidate (H only) and the (implied) threat of abandonment. We have been working on laying all of those weapons down, especially the weapons of mass destruction.
We are going back to kindergarten with MC to work through examples of how to resolve conflict and compromise.
Compromise and respect is key here, because in all M's, there are going to be issues that never get resolved, but should be approached in a way to minimize the negative impact to both people.
