I only have a sec before I have to run to church, but wanted to say hello. I'm sorry you've got a big conflict avoider too! They are tough to figure out.
I've been thinking about my H's history, and he has a strong one of projecting his problems onto the female closest to him, then "taking a stand" and withdrawing emotionally from her. His mother is the primary one, and she is the iciest, most messed up person I've ever met. I'm worried, from watching his "stand" with her (um, 25 years and going strong . . .), that he'll never soften, as this is some sort of inner spot he is protecting. He feels that something has been broached, and he MUST protect it.
Any effort at trying to "get" him to do *anything* has been met with extreme and complete resistance. He speaks to his friends of feeling so much freedom now. I think the "cage" he was in was created mostly in his own mind. (I think H is also reacting to the responsibilities of having a family and his many financial/business troubles.) He is the one who decided that avoiding conflict, giving in, etc. was a good thing to do for the relationship. I was on the other side saying, "Please tell me what *you'd* like to do, what *you* think, etc." He shut himself down, thinking that would please me somehow, when it was the farthest thing from the truth. He finally couldn't do that to himself anymore (I don't blame him!), and had to get rid of me in order to allow himself to feel some control and freedom in his life.
The only solution I'm thinking of now for this aspect is to completely back away from him. He does need, regardless of me, to get in touch with his own feelings, needs, desires in life. If he ever returns to our M, he will need to learn how to nurture and listen to those desires of his own. I will always have to be careful that I don't contribute to the problem by squelching him.
I can only work on my part of the situation. I know I have to tone way down. I was in a situation where I would talk about a problem, get nowhere with him, get more dramatic, get nowhere, get more dramatic, etc. I wish I'd realized it wasn't working back then, pulled a 180 on the situation, and maybe he would have come out of his shell to find me. So now I need to somehow show this to him, um, in the middle of a huge court battle over supervised/unsupervised visitation of our dd due to concerns over his mental health.
