How am I doing? Need some encouragement......

[Sam1007]

Thank you both for checking in on me! I have some little babysteps I want to record (at least in my mind they are).

-We have had several very casual and very relaxed conversations on the phone and in person (when she comes and picks up the kids). Just about all kinds of stuff, frustrations with other people, good news, bad news, her health, etc, just like old times. More often than the last month. Feels like we went through a little dip in communication in that regard, but it seems to be coming back, so I am happy about that.

-She called me earlier this week to vent a little about a frustration with a lady at the boys school. She needed someone to talk to and she called me and it makes me feel good!

-She called again today on where to get some work done on her car. I always used to take care of that, but at least she's not refusing to ask for my help and trying to do everything on her own.

Just wanted to write them down so that I can refer to them and remember them. My mind wanders off into very negative thoughts SOOO quickly, gotta keep my PMA!!!!

Hey Sam, how are you (James Bond) doing these days? I know one man here on the board who had a success story and that was his character he looked up to as sort of an inspiration to help him when he felt weak. So, what ever works!

Well, I think the character thing is not so much what i want to play, but more of an easy way to remember some guidelines to establish consistent behaviour. A lot of times, I have trouble deciding how I should react to something she says or does and then I can sort of think, what would James Bond do? The main idea I get from this is that I will show her unconditional love (expressed in a non-pressuring DB-friendly way of course!), compassion, and a deep friendship when she comes to me, but I will not physically help her with her problems while she's out on her own. For example, I did not help her move out or move to another apartment. When she comes and shares all these things, I will give her my opinion and advice, but I, personally, won't help with that. Thinking of a character like that to help make decisions on how to respond to her may sound crazy, but it seems to help me.

However, it is simply her own low self esteem talking. To her, she thinks her looks should be so disgusting to anybody.....especially a man finding her sexually attractive when she is over weight.....it is just beyound her comprehension. It is how she sees herself when she looks in the mirror. Those are her feelings talking out loud.

Those are the feelings I have been trying to get her out of for years!! LONG Before the bomb hit. NOW she does see herself as looking better (she still says she's OK, not looking GREAT, like I think she does!), so it's only normal for her (in her mindset) to think that her change in appearance was the ONLY reason for me to "wake up".

So, she gets in an argument with you, but really she is either wanting you to convince her that she is wrong about what she has always believed or she is in an argument with herself.

I have been trying to convince her that she is wrong about that, for years, but it seems her feeling that I couldn't possibly be attracted to her (before she lost the weight) just doesn't want to let go. I don't think this is something I can even hope to achieve by my actions or words. She will need to realize this on her own. I will however continue to express my words of affirmation and tell her when I think she looks good (which is pretty much every time I see her). I also tell her why I think she looks good, like today, she had some well-fitting jeans on and I told her she looks good in them. She said that they were too large and she needs to get some smaller ones. She does seem to attach a lot of importance to the actual size she's wearing. To me it's just a number, but I am excited that she's excited when she tells me that she has dropped another size.

She may even have found that as her last excuse to hang on to as a way of trying to justify her feelings toward you now. It gets pretty deep.

That could be! She's not mentioned any of the other things that she brought forward with the bomb since then, except for the one about the "coincidence" of my feelings changing when she lost weight. And I have told her that she didn't lose all of that weight overnight, but my attitude did (her words), so how do you explain that?

It also can be traced back to something that happened in the early years that make them hide behind weight gain. They feel protected in some ways against men b/c they feel they can't possibly be attractive to them if they are over weight.

Did you see my post earlier about her having been attacked sexually long time ago? She has expressed the exact thing you are describing to me herself. It could still have an effect.

I think it would take a physchologist to get her out of that way of thinking and be able to accept herself as being an attractive person. Also, he/she could help her accept the fact that you actually could/did love her regardless of the weight, but as nature would have it, you responded to her improved body image when she lost weight. But, again, she needs to realize that it is only human nature to respond to positive changes in anyone's appearance or behavior.

The next time she brings up R talk and says that she's still open to seeing the MC, I might bring this up in my session by myself with the MC. Would it be too much pressure to bring up the MC from my side? She HAS said that she still wants to go see her during last R talk.

When I was finally able to do that, then in a way, it set me free and I did not feel that I had to constantly "prove" myself any longer.

I think she's still very much in that situation. And it's not just the parents. She's very persistent in not wanting to dissappoint anyone. Everyone in the town where her shop is asks her for help and she rarely ever says no, so she's extremely busy all the time. The person she is dissappointing is me and she said she can't stand to see me dissappointed all the time. That was her main reason for moving out. So I am trying VERY hard to not let any dissappointment show and show PMA when she's around.

Ask enough questions to let her know that you are interested, but not prying into her business to see if she is a sinking ship yet.

I think that is the best approach too. That's what I have been doing for the last couple of months.

My mother's story is that she mentally reached the realization that she could live her life out in total misery or she could begin to "act as if" she was happy and that she admired her husband and was in love with him.

My W actually said something along those lines late last year. That maybe she should just pretend that she's still in love with me, just so I could be happy. I told her that I did not want her to be unhappy and she shouldn't PRETEND to be happy when she's not. Instead we should just work together and see how we can make things better.

Thank you both again!
I'm keeping the faith after my babysteps!