How to treat a WAW when I've stopped chasing her?

[Alliistah]

Hello..

I havea question about how to treat my WAW? I'm current in the phase where I've backed off 100%. I'm not touching her anymore and I'm not telling her that I love her. So my questions are:

1) Do I also stop with the terms of endearment like Sweetie, Honey, Hon, etc? She uses them on me so should I use them back?

2) How will I know when I should touch her again? Or is it best to wait for her to touch me first in some fashion?

3) I am working on making myself a better person. I'm going to the gym, dressing nicer, making myself smell good, etc. Is it wrong to show some appreciation to her? If so how besides doing the things that I am doing now with the kids, the house, etc? Is there anything that I can do for her to show her that I appreciate her and that to tell her that I still think about her and care for her?

It's kind of wierd to not touch my wife and not tell her that I love here when I have done these things for the past 11 years.

Any help here would be appreciated.

-Alli

[Dash]

I'm sort of in the same boat Alli.

How do we become the walkers? Yet at the same time still show our WAW's that we still want them back?

There must be a mighty fine line in there somewhere.

If I find it, I'll be sure to share it with you, but like so many other things in life I have a feeling it's going to be different for every person.

I'm worried that my WAW will see the "new" me as no longer willing to work on our marriage and this will cause her to detach even more (if that's possible).

I have to keep reminding myself that it's only been three weeks for me and I have to be patient.

Let her come to you (from what I've read), don't pursue at all. But don't flat out ignore her either.

I really hope I can take my own advice on this.

Good luck.

Dash

(Edited for spelling)

[Alliistah]

I'm going to see my psycologist tomorrow and I'm going to be asking this question. How do I make sure that she knows I'm still here and still wanting her but give her enough space so that she feels good about things and doesn't want to run anymore.

[Alliistah]

Well, I called home to ask my WAW how much time it would take to carve pumpkins with the kids because I wanted to make sure I had plenty of time with them. I didn't want to have to rush them or anything with dinner->pumpkins->clean up->ready for bed->bed time.

So at the end of the phone call I said "Ok, sweetie, I'll talk to ya later" and she said "Ok, ttyl, love ya" and I said "I love you too".

Now, I don't know if that just slipped out or not but she said it regardless. If it slipped out, that means she was feeling a bit back to normal I would assume. Regardless it was said. Now I know my boundries and I cannot tell her that myself at this point but if she says it, I will say it back.

Anyways, that was a positive regardless if it slipped out or not. Any comments on this? Am I lieing to myself here?

[Dash]

Alli,

I think I would tread ever so lightly. It could be that she's feeling nostalgic, or maybe she is feeling that you two can work things out, but be very, very careful here. You don't want to do anything to make her feel pressured or pursued.

Believe me, I know it's hard. When my WAW grabs my hand or gives me a hug I want more than anything to believe that she means it in the way that I want her to mean it.

I've found in my own situation that when I question my W about her intentions behind certain things it makes her become withdrawn and almost regretful that she did certain things.

Keep trying to build on the positive, and let her see that you're okay. Don't just pretend to be okay, honestly believe and know that you're okay and you will continue to be okay. I know it hurts, but one of the things that helps me the most is remembering the time in my life before I met my W and how I was then. I was okay before she came along, and while I love her, I know I'll be okay no matter how things go between us.

The toughest part to figure out is how to be the guy she fell in love with the first time around without pursuing her. The first time around of course a big part of it was the pursuit, this time will be different. I wish I had an answer for you here, but this is one of those things that I struggle with the most myself. At the same time, you do have the added benefit of already knowing her as well as having shared memories.

Doing certain things, behaving a certain way (positively) will remind her of the great guy she fell in love with in the beginning. But don't do it with the pursuit in mind.

Come here to vent your frustrations and seek guidance, but whatever you do, DON'T talk to your W about it unless she approaches you and even then, listen, affirm and be patient.

Hopefully someone with better advice and better experience will come along soon. I'm much in the same boat as you at this time, and my "advice" is coming from books, not what I've seen actually work.

Best of luck.

Dash

[Alliistah]

Thanks a lot for the post Dash. I've already told myself that this doesn't mean that I change my course at all. I still do what I'm doing and don't change a thing until it is very evident that I need to. I'm still not going to say those things to her and I will let her come to me for everything at this point.

Thanks for the support and I wish you luck in your situation as well. I'll be posting back later with how our evening went. It should turn out well as we're going to carve pumpkins when I get home.

Btw, what is EA in your signature?

[Alliistah]

I got home tonight and walked in and had a happy attitude and said "Hey Mom! How ya doing?! How was your day?" I didn't over do the greeting but I did have an up-beat sound to myself. All I got was "Fine.." I can tell she is bothered by something. I'm still wondering if this is the start of her getting pissed off because I'm doing everything she wanted me to do in the first place. My coach warned me of this so I'm not letting it bother me at all.

I got home and we carved pumpkins. Then she actually sat out in the front room with us and watched a movie for a while. I was impressed. Usually she would be on the game all the time. So I guess I have to chalk this up to progress.

The one thing that I wonder about and that I need to pay attention to is the fact that this guy she is spending so much time with works on some oil refinery or something and works one week off, 2 weeks on or something. So if she stays off the game for about a week and then hits it hard again after he comes home I'll know what is going on. I'll make a note of this on my calendar just for my reference. If this guy is gone now maybe she is depressed because of that. Either way it is good that she is out with the family. I hope I see more of this in the future.

Overall though, I think I'm doing a good job with everything so far and it feels like I'm making baby steps of progress.

-Alli

[marriedCrazy]

Alli -- I think you're onto something ... watching the calendar and marking her mood swings will probably give just what you're expecting. My WAW would always be in a good mood when she was involved some way with another man.

She could being saying ILY's just to keep you on a close leash, especially if OM is out on a rig for a couple of weeks. She'll be missing him. They say that for the WAS, in the throes of an A they cannot feel for the LBS. So if she's in a A, I would suspect her ILY's are not whole-hearted. I would definitely not return the gesture of a ILY if she's in an A.

No physical touch at all, if possible. If she wants a hug, try to give her a one arm side hug. That really got to my W. She asked, " what was that?" I replied "considering the situation, you should feel lucky."

This doesn't mean that you don't love her; you just have to have a little dignity and not let her use you like a doormat.

Like Puppy says here on the boards, you have to let her know that you're not in an open marriage.

Good Luck.

[Alliistah]

Well, I just got home from the gym and I walked into the room where our computers are and I could see that she was playing with that guy. So that means that he is still around and her attitude was not from him being gone. So maybe she is pissed off that I'm not regressing back into my old ways and she knows that I'm starting to prove her wrong with a great attitude to boot.

So at any rate, I'll keep watching things. I brought home a notebook as well to start keeping daily notes on what I see from her to help me keep track of the moods and also the positive things that she does. Those tiny baby steps will help propel me forward and I can look back at them to help keep my spirits up. More later.. going to read more of the book Divorce Remedy.

Also, what does A and LBS stand for? I know ILY is I Love You, and OM is Other Man/male, and WAW is Walk Away Wife.

Thanks for the info.. Lets see how she is when she/I go to bed tonight. Tomorrow will be telling as well because I work from home on Fridays and I'll be here all day with her. I'll be sure to have a great attitude all day and see how she deals with it. lol. I know to not over-do it as well. I am really liking being more happy these last few days - I'm really starting to feel good about myself.

[Dash]

"Also, what does A and LBS stand for? I know ILY is I Love You, and OM is Other Man/male, and WAW is Walk Away Wife." - Alliistah

Hi again Alli,

LBS = Left Behind Spouse.
A = Affair
EA = Emotional Affair
PA = Physical Affair
The one I had the most trouble figuring out was PMA (Positive Mental Attitude) as I haven't gotten that far into the book just yet.

I think patience is the key. It seems to be a recurring theme amongst the posters on these boards. And don't let yourself become a doormat. Remember, our WAW's don't see what they're doing as wrong. More than likely they have justified to themselves and their support network that the problem is the marriage and more specifically the marriage with us.

Some of their feelings may be warranted, while others may not. My particular WAW suffers from selective memory syndrome (my term). She only remembers the bad times and none of the good. In her mind it was all bad all the time. I asked her to explain how our son came to be and she couldn't, but I don't think it helped any.

Hang in there, it could be a long and bumpy ride.

Now if only I can take my own advice.

Good luck,

Dash