I look at the post. The YEARS that we spent with them. Mine was over 1 month after 21 years. (that is when the d was final) Others just like me...20 years - some less some more. Just heart breaking.
The black hole..I have talked about it lately - but i see what it is and I dotn like it. It is my tunnel. Kinda like the mlc tunnel..though mine is one i have to go through. I choose to go through it.
the tunnel. i dont see light yet --- and i understand now why people "relationship hop" and try and fill holes with other things. i understand it now -- wish i wsas through it - wish i was on the otherside but i have no choice -- i have to wait -- wait till i see light.
my tunnel brings fear - and unknown. i told c last time i went that i understand why people bail out here.... this is uncomfortable. before i knew my feelings-good bad or otherwise. i knew anger, hurt, sorrow. i dont recognize this -- again i say it is unknown. i dont like it.
many try and give you hope when you are here. and it is what they need to do to do thier part. often it feels patronizing. i know that is not the intent....but some days it is just that you just want to get through....not that you dont want to believe that something good can come out of all of this. it isn't that at all. i wish i could explain it better
its not that i want to wallow - i can't and i wont..but getting through this stage is exhausting. i dont know why. probably the sturggle between holding on to what was/what my hopes and dreams are and moving forward. and in that still believing that xh will someday wake up and we can again be a family.
in the mean time it is work on cagzmom time. and that means what? i have no more anger, and yes saddness but not that deep deep sorrow (at least not every hour). i dont know how you guys do this being a single parent with more than one child...ALL OF YOU amaze me. My daughter is 12 and fairly self efficient ACCEPT I DO HAVE TO SAY we ARE goign through early adolescents so I can often have a toddler, teenager and adult all at teh same time!! (HA!!)
some day i will post a post of joy and happiness..today it is just bluck.. that is the only way to describe it.
M-20 years/BOMB 12/24/06 Moved out 3/12/07 D final 7/30/2008 finding myself again
