1. Conflict and anger are signs that your relationship is failing.
True, or false? How do you think your partner would answer?
How have you and your partner dealt with conflict and anger in the past? What is the "typical" thing for both of you to do? What do both of you do to either avoid conflict, or to instigate it? When are the times that you've been able to deal with anger and conflict successfully? When has it worked for them, and when has it worked for you? What were you both doing at the time?
I've always thought "false" in regards to conflict and anger meaning the R is failing. Conflict and anger are a normal part of a relationship, and to me it seems more important how you deal with the emotions that come up and how you treat each other.
Typical patterns for my H and me:
I tend to be the one who brings things up that are bothering me.
He only brings things up if I have already put something out there on the table. Definite cheeseless tunnel for the both of us.
In the last year, things would escalate more and more until it was a shouting match, and, um we weren't exactly displaying our best behaviors.
I would bring things up at really bad times. I don't think I was doing that purposefully (to rile him or something), but really, out of stupidity and lack of self-control. Also scheduling. Late night talks, when he is a definite morning person, were not wise. Yet it was the only time he was home and our dd was asleep.
My H is a BIG conflict avoider. He will do just about anything to avoid dealing with something. I think it is a very difficult thing for him, and probably rather frightening.
I know one thing he said before he left is that he feels he always gives in to me, and backs down, and it still doesn't fix things. I don't want for him to do that, honestly. I have asked him over the years to please be honest with me about his feelings, to bring things up if they are bothering him. I did, however, feel very upset when he would counter things I wanted to talk about with some very different thing that was bugging him. Now I'm thinking after reading thus far in DR, that this is simply his style, and there must be another way for me to think about it.
(I think his leaving me is a big "stand" for him, and he probably feels very determined not to "back down" on this one.)
Something else I definitely did wrong was to mention things that were bothering me as they happened, peppered throughout the day. I'm still confused as to how to deal with things that are a problem for me, in a way that wouldn't be upsetting to H. So much to learn. Beginner's mind!
This is the really unfortunate thing. I don't think we had very many successful times of dealing with conflict. I can't think of any right now. We did have some productive talks about dealing with the lack of intimacy in our relationship, and together worked out a plan of mutual responsibility. Then he never followed through with the part he agreed to do. So, we talked about it again, both calmly agreed we needed to give it another shot, and then he didn't follow through again. I so desperately want to learn how to have productive ways of dealing with conflict with him. I hope it isn't too late.
