God grant me the patience and the strength...8

[theotherhalf]

Today was probably the hardest day of my life. I had to sit in that court room and tell the judge that I plead guilty to a crime that I don't feel I committed. I had to listen the judge, and the L's call OW a victim over and over again.

I plead guilty to 3rd Degree Burglary a class D felony. The judge deferred judgement to Oct 30, 2011. I was sentenced to 3 years formal probation. A $750 fine plus court costs. Victims' restitution and a 5 year no contact order with OW.

I am guilty of trying to save my M. I am guilty of beating the crap out of the woman that slept with MY husband. I am guilty of entering that house when the door came open. There was no intent that night. None what so ever. It just happened. I wish more than anything I could take it back. But I can't and now I have to forgive myself for becoming someone I'm not.

H called me before I got out of court. I didn't call him back. I delayed going home as long as I could because he was one of the last persons I wanted to see or talk to. Unfortunately he was still here, but gone with a load of beans. I shut the door when he pulled in. He came in anyway. Asked "well what's going on?" I ignored him at first. He asked "well?". I said, I really don't want to talk to you right now. And it's probably in your best interest if I don't" He started to go then said "tell me what happened". I told him. He has never looked so sad, guilty, and down. I ignored him, today is about ME.

We talked a long while. He then went out to change heads on the combine. I wrestled with myself. He's going to need help. He can ask if he needs it. He won't under the circumstances. I went out and started helping him, we said nothing to each other, just started working together to get the job done. Afterwards he said he was going over to check cows. He asked if I wanted to ride along. "sure" i said, he hung out for a bit when we got back. He said see you later, then stayed a bit longer. Finally he left for home.

He doesn't deserve any kindness from me, let alone my time. But today I am above being "right" or "better". It's not my responsibilty to punish him or make him pay. I trully believe he is still human. He screwed up. He hates himself for what he's done. He has to live with that. He has to choose to fix that or not. I choose to forgive and love him unconditionally. What happens tomarro ???