I'll shortly have more time to read things here, but want to post something to get started.
On the topic of beginner's mind: though I've been DB-ing since December 2001, I still must "Clear Out Old Thoughts" routinely.
This week I realized how often I think things are ALL-OR-NOTHING, NOW-OR-NEVER.
Shoot, I didn't finish painting the bathroom today like I said I would, so I'm obviously a lazy, big-mouthed good-for-nothing.
My H (in MLC) has been really nasty to me, reinforcing this mentality. But it's a voice in my head that I can turn off, no matter how he treats me.
I am NOT a loser just because I slip up. Everybody slips up.
That's "clean slate" thinking.
Maybe our marriage is NOT over just because we're not getting along?
When my H started a porn website, I feared it was because of me. When he couldn't or wouldn't talk to me about this (ad nauseum, like I wanted), I drew my own conclusions.
I must not be sexy enough.
I am obviously dried out, a discard. My H (younger than me) doesn't want to be stuck with old baggage. I am no longer attractive. He no longer loves me. He will never talk to me again. And I must FORCE him to talk to me.
But I was wrong.
My man's porn journey was about HIS insecurities, HIS feelings of inadequacy, HIS fears about aging.
Not about mine.
And he will not be FORCED to talk. Heck, he doesn't even understand what he's going through, how's he gonna 'splain it to me?
Cut to now: we're still separated. But we keep gravitating toward each other. Somehow, somewhere, we still love each other.
Don't know where this will lead.
But it's a big relief not to be such a know-it-all (especially about my erronneous, self-defeating conclusions).
