I'm a bit confused my W had been doing touch & goes all summer about once a week. Then it hit the fan after we argued about the house. she filed for D, I acted "as if" for a few weeks.
One day I said "this is not what I wanted at all. You can put this on hold if you would like." She did, nothing has happened w/d since.
She has been a lot better with the kids and looks and acted like her old self for about three weeks. We spent time together 3 times a week and went to a concert. She came out for a while. We were romantic if you will for a night and I think she got spooked. Now my little MLC sweetheart is in high gear with the projection and blaming like never before. Not even gonna try and figure it out.
I am not much of a poster anymore, but I have read your thread, and want to offer a little insight from someone who is a little further into this.
First, you will need a whole hell of a lot of patience to get through this, and you have to stand strong.
Second, remember this...she is hurting to. I believe sometimes it seems like we are the only ones who are hurting when something like this happens, but that is not the truth. She hurts too, only she doesn't know why. Right now, she is trying to lash out at everyone and everything. It is everyone else's fault because she cannot face the fact that it is partly her fault that your M has fallen apart.
Now, let me use this scenario...if you tell a small child not to touch a hot stove, what are they going to do? Touch it, right. They are doing it because they don't believe what you are telling them.
Right now, your W does not believe what you are telling her. Words are pretty, but actions speak louder.
Detachment and going dim/dark are more than just an action, they are a state of mind. You have to be prepared for whatever comes. But I will tell you this much, there is some peace of mind that is included with both things. There are reasons you and your W cannot go dark, you have children. For a while, and I don't mean a day or two, but maybe a month or two, make every phone call about the children. Be nice, but business like. She is not going to miss you if you don't let her handle her own life on her own. Listen to her, but don't offer to fix it, or offer advice. Just be there. Don't call her. Let her come to you.
From personal experience, this is one of the most daunting and difficult tasks you will ever perform. However, there are two things that come out of this. 1. You find strength you never knew you had. And trust me, it is there. 2. This one is just a possibility, but the fact is your W may realize what life will be like w/o you, and decide she doesn't like it too much.
I have several mantras, and you should get one that you can repeat that works for you.
1. Breath. 2. Sometimes it has to die before it can begin again 3. Breath. 4. Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is a gift which is why the call it the present.
You cannot change yesterday, and you don't know what will happen tomorrow, so all you have is today. Live your moments.
And don't forget
Breath
Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..
I do need to work on the patience a bit. After taking a step back. My consistency needs work too. The biggest problem I think is I do well for a time and when she responds positively I tend to let my guard down a bit thinking my baby is coming around.
I tend to be a little bit too open as well. Going to work on becoming the mystery and let the old me be history.
Looking back, when I acted loose and care free she responded very well. Somewhat younger I guess for lack of a better word.
Keep giving me a kick in the pants everyone. I really value all of your great advice.
For better or worse is all I know. My sweetheart is asking "Where did my happiness go?" She has looked high and low and her journey has been a slow go. While she is busy looking I can only watch the show.
Its a journey just for her, No one else is invited. Now and again she pops out of the tunnel but I will not get excited.
I hope that one day her happiness is found. Little does she know its within her and she carries it around.
Will she figure this out? I can only pray. Lets sit back and see if she finds her way. I'll focus on our children each and every day. For I'm the LBS who doesn't have much of a say.
See what happens when its late and I'm bored. Man, I should be cleaning my house. I gotta go. Night peoples!
After taking a step back. My consistency needs work too.
I'm no expert but I think this is the #1 thing women are looking for when they are in confusion about what to do next. they want a man who will stand and be strong, unflappable, like an Oklahoma farmer watching a tornado bear down on his fields. You just weather the storm. You hunker down and then the next day you emerge and get back to work. Solid.
Good things happen and you are glad. But you know that tough stuff will happen to, and for that you are also glad because you know that's life and you're livin' it. Take the good with the bad.
That's what they want. The real life "for better or worse".
They say they don't want you but really somewhere deep down, they do want you to stand.
Just keep in mind, it is easy to backslide (speaking to the queen of the backslide). Sometimes, we do get a glimpse of our loving spouse, and it is wonderful. But it is only a glimpse. You have to stay strong and consistent. When those brief moments come along, enjoy them, but when it is done, don't be surprised, and have no expectation that it will last. Remember, it is about letting them remember that they felt good, so you have to let go, and let them think about it.
Breath...
Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..
Stay Strong Trapt!! We are eerily similar in our stitches. Then again a lot of us are. Keep that wonderful outlook and sens of humor going!! Most of all just be there for the kids. I know what is like. Keep the faith to..in Him you cant go wrong!
Gman Me 40 W 30 kids B 11 B 10 D 8 Been here off and on since 06. PA Confirmed Dec 08.. With God, anything is possible. Do or do not there is no try. Sometimes you have to roll the hard six...
It's kinda hard to see the screen as I'm typing, sure most of you have been there more than once.(Let it out after she left) So enough of that.
Where do I begin? Had good day up until about 3:oopm my L faxed over a sheet to the office stating my w was no longer going to pay for any part of the mortgage and that we had spoke about putting the house up for sale or having my do a refi.(I thought things were on hold? Maybe a new "MLC" type of hold or something."Who knows? Don't even think W does.
This was what the original blow up was about, however since that time nothing has been said. I'm sure she spoke to her L today about doing this knowing full well she was coming over with the kids to have her b-day party at 5:00 pm. Let's just say it wasn't very easy driving home from work.(I'll stop whining now)
I acted "as if" like never before. I was very up beat but calm, carefree and just a tad distant. Not initiating contact or much of anything else. We danced to her lead so to speak. I bought her a new ipod(other one broke).So I went and loaded her tunes wich gave me more time away.
As I stop and think, I treated her like she was here everyday, just let here be. I'm getting there.She acted very happy and I got a few long hugs. I played with the kiddies while she sat listening to her music. We had some good laughs.
The thought about the fax crept up a few times,but never mentioned a word about it. Never asked what she was doing on her actual b-day either. Pointless.
I had set the fax up in the tray were I keep my bills, as I was walking upstairs a saw here looking at it. I walked past never said a thing.(the old me 4 months ago would have flamed out on this big time.)She said nothing.
All in all the night was good. Not where I want to be but one baby step closer. I'm looking straight ahead not chicken necken to see if the end is in sight.( it's not even close.)
An orange is an orange, thats all it can ever be. Squeeze it as hard and as often as you like, all you'll ever get is orange juice.
I am a strong, loving, kind, compassionate man.
Go ahead honey, put me in your mlc vise and try to squeeze the life out of me. All your gonna get is strength, love, kindness and compassion for that is all I have left to give.
