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Got any ideas on where to start this? What are some of your hobbies or interests? Things you've always wanted to do, but have just never taken the time for?


I'm trying to get Hubby to keep his word about letting me get back into real estate sales which I was getting started in when his Sarcoid was discovered as being out of remission & attacking his bones...

we had several arguements when I was in the biz because he didn't take the time to listen to what I was trying to explain to him about what I needed for biz supplies

& I admit that while I was going to the classes I not realising it was neglectful of his needs

& I found out Oct 30th 2002 we had misunderstandings over why I was in the living room on the futon

(I thought by studying there I wouldn't be bothering him with all of my notes spread out, & I'd end up falling to sleep too manytimes, he thought that I didn't want to be with him & instead of waking me up to come to bed he turned to internet porn then when things went to MLC for him he turned to the Owhore from the job)

I asked Hubby if he meant it that I could go back into the real estate sales biz & he said yes...

I told him that we'll need to really sit down & talk about all that is involved because I don't want to have the same problems that we had before...

I also told him that we can't talk about it here because I really hate this house & he has the tendancy to watch the tv when we talk...

I told him to pick the steakhouse restaurant with NO TV & that I would like for him to participate in the discussion by asking questions about what I'm saying
& that way I'll know if he's understanding what I'm meaning & can clarify things at our meeting...

at the time I asked him this he agreed
but that was in mid-June
& as of yet He's not made the arrangements to pick me up for our talk

I'm trying not to be nagging about it,
& have only verbally mentioned it twice in passing & 2 emails...

In the meantime I'm taking a nail class
so that I can learn how to do them for a small income of my own
& have only 5 more classes to finish up I think...

I don't want Hubby to know about the class
because if he thinks I've got an income of my own
then he may cut down on the tiny bit which he does now give
no sense in letting him have additional money to blow on his "friends"
& I can use the spare change to get a few things that I've been putting off because they were "not necessities"...

I did splurge & have ordered
2 Belly Dancing Instruction cd sets,
good exercise to tone up where I've lost the weight but am a bit flabby in the tummy area...
I did reach my goal weight of 135lbs,
althou the last few pant sizes
I would have preferred to lose gradually
instead of the drastic "unable to eat a thing" diet
which I ended up on...

I do have the Season Pass to 6 Flags
but am actually finding it hard to get there because people seem to be uninterested in going on rides
- when did everyone get too old to go to an amusement park?
Even my son isn't too keen on the idea of going, but I think thats more that he's not interested in hangging out with his mom
- it's just not too fun going to an amusement park by myself

While I'm waiting for my dvd's to get here
I'm going thru the house as best as I can & slowly rearranging things...
I'm having to wait for my son to get here on the weekends & co-operate to get the furniture moved...
it's a bit frustrating to me because before the car accident I'd be able to do more
& would've had the entire house moved around
& been immediately working 60 hrs a week
so that I wouldn't be home to think about my empty bed,
but I'm not able to do the CNA work that I use to be able to do
one reason that this is just soo depressing to me,
if this had happened before the car accident I'd not be feeling so down
& I'd feel that I had a bit more control over my own life
right now I sort of feel that he's got all of the control
not just with his MLC but with everything else too

I am slowly seeing changes in me that needed to be made
I also see changes in the apartment which is a releif to some point but frustratingly slow
so I guess the lesson there is to learn even more patience
I do see baby steps homeward but then Hubby started running away when I sent him an LRT email,
I found out this month that Hubby told the people on the job that he's living home agian -
so it was on his mind to move back home in april/may/1st week of June,
but poor timing on my part with the LRT email sent him back to OWhore & drinking buddies...

so now I'm trying to undo & coax him back to feeling safe coming home (after I sent the email I just realised that he may have Abandonment issues from his childhood & the email just made things worse on me)

I'm doing pretty well with NO PRESSURE to Come Home or R Talk...
I'm trying to be as understanding as possible with Hubby's Experimentations & dabbling,
the fact that he's NEVER said the D word
& the fact that he's trying to include me a bit in his experimentation does lead me to feel that he's got it somewhere in his head & heart to eventually come home...
the problem is that I'm feeling anxious
as it is getting closer to the 1 yr mark

& due to my email,
we're backslid from where we were in May
where he was staying here overnites alot more
& I knew that he was going to sleep at his mom's house
rather than OWhore's most of the time that he wasn't here overnite
I was calmer then,
I'm trying to not be anxious now
but for some reason I'm really feeling the need to have to take the celexa which I'd been off of for a good while, it's not really doing it's job yet but it does take a while to get into the system...

I was a bit disappointed in myself for having to go back onto the celexa
but the reality is that this is a bit much for me
& it's better to go back onto it
than to let myself really get overly emotional as each day passes

I am much better than I was when this first started
I've not had a crying spell in a while
& when they do happen I found that they were much shorter
so althou I'm needing the celexa now -
to hopefully enable me to start getting back to a normal sleep schedule
I am much stronger than I was in Oct 2002
I've just got to get this anxiety under control
so that I can get back to DBing & work on myself as well

I'm very grateful for this forum
& this DR 7 Step BootCamp is perfect timing for me
it's helping to get me back on track
due to the anxiety I was feeling a bit lost
which made more anxiety because
I couldn't focus on what I should be doing to get back on track to DBing correctly