Step Number 1 - Start with a Beginner's Mind

[Hopeful_One]

How SURE are you about things that are going to happen?

Not sure at all. I feel like I'm "riding the wave", never knowing what will come next. It is very stressful.

How much do you rely on the past, and the present, to predict the future? Especially about the "negative" things?

As my H's behavior has worsened and worsened, I think I am using the past to predict future (negative) behavior. OTOH, I also have been thinking a lot about the last time H left me and returned. I thought it was completely over and proceeded with my life "as if" it was. I built a new life for myself, and H began pursuing me during that time. I see that it happened once before, and I think it could again (if his mental health issues are resolved).

How would you see the situation you're in from an outsider's point of view? What if you were a third-party looking at the events that are going on in your life? How might you see things differently?

I think if I were a third party, I would think I was crazy for having any hope of saving the M. I would be highly offended at how H had treated me and DD. Most third party people also tell me how life will be so much better when I meet a different man, move on, etc.

If you were to read your story on the board like it was someone else's thread, what would you post to yourself? What advice would you give to you? How well would you take that advice?!

I would post to be careful, but also follow through with the DR process as it looks like a very healing thing to do personally, and it couldn't hurt the M either.

If there was no past history to taint your views of the possibilities of things that could happen in the future, what might things look like?

H would be a whole person, not mentally ill, able to feel his feelings, and yet not be lost in them. He would see the importance of his role in the family, and take it on with pride. I would be more open, not have walls up in my eyes because of fear of being left again. I would be able to express my needs without being critical. He would also express his needs/wants/plans. We would have forward motion emotionally, physically, and financially.

If you were to put aside the "fact" that everything your partner is doing is meant to hurt you, what other possible explanations for some of their individual behaviors might you be able to come up with?

He is mentally ill. He is re-enacting patterns of projecting emotions onto people and then running away from them, rather than looking at himself. He is having a MLC. He was suffering under the weight of the household needs, and finally "cracked". He is at a level of desperation in his life where he needs to reach out to something, or he feels he may come apart at the seams. He desperately needs to feel good about himself and not like a failure. He desperately needs to feel like a respectable person. He needs to force away the people who remind him of his stresses, failings, problems.

What areas of your relationship might it be helpful to "take off your blinders", and see things from a different perspective?

Definitely in terms of how I've neglected myself and become "uber-servant", instead of a whole, healthy person. I relate to the poster who talked about no longer remembering how to have fun. I have fun with my dd, and also with my H, but not FUN for myself. Life became too much about routine and responsibility and troubles.

I need to understand more about the dance of being critical vs. making your needs known and asking for what you want. DH always insisted I was too critical and controlling. Yet, it seemed like everything was falling down around my ears and I was getting nothing I wanted. I need to learn more about that, and especially how I'm responsible for that dance.

What does that dot that the teacher drew on the blackboard represent to you?!

The way to reach my husband. Something that is there, but not known yet.

What would your answer be to the "miracle question"? Your answer to how things COULD be, instead of the way that they are?

Healed, loving, whole. Healthy boundaries. Adequate financial supply. Family intact and staying that way. H and I connected, interacting as people who love each other and are stearing the family ship together.

If you were to start things over from scratch, with a clean slate, what would your relationship be like? What would YOU be doing to help lead it into the right direction?

I really related to the advice in DR about knowing when to approach your mate. I am afraid I approached at all of the wrong times, and that set us up for failure. I'd definitely "pick my battles" and try to talk at a time that was good for him.

I would be more physically nurturing, and get to bed earlier in hopes of connecting sexually. (Another timing issue for us that really hurt things.)

I see us spending more time together as a couple, if we were a new one, starting from scratch. We rarely did ANYTHING to nurture OUR relationship, and I see that it is essential.

And, of course, it would help if DH didn't think God talks to him constantly and told him to leave me.

On that note though, I would be much more open to being in a spiritual community and nurturing our family and relationship through that. (As long as it wasn't too crazy of a place -- have issues with that.)