Jayce's thread

[Jayce]

I can think of lots of cool stuff about my H besides the cute tush. For one thing, he's never told me I couldn't do something that was important to me. Like, the year after we married I went back to school & eventually finished my BA (Hubby #1 was extremely opposed to that). He also had no problem with it when I returned to school & did a Master's which ultimately resulted in a career change. We took the kids camping, to the beach, etc. when they were younger. Bought a fold-down camper. He's been fine w/me having a horse & even would be OK w/me getting a trailer for it! (I don't want to, but its nice that he wouldn't object cuz it'd be expensive) One of our biggest problems w/making memories & spending a lot of time together is that in 30 yrs, he's worked nights 20 of them. He loves to garden, putzes in the yard 6 months of the year. He loves having pets & has never objected to new ones. He is a soft-hearted person, but his lifetime habit is to hide that at all costs as he does with his emotions other than anger. His Italian upbringing? His older brother was the same. Younger one not so much. The upside of that is he's loyal to people he loves. Not that he'd say that.

He has never said much about my daughter's death. I know it affected him deeply, but he just doesn't talk about it. He knows how much more deeply it affected and continues to affect me. He realizes starting something completely new(horse rescue volunteer, riding lessons, buying a horse) has helped me & gives me something to do in the evenings when he's not home. He knows how much I appreciate that he's supportive of that. He is not a bad guy.

"lovin' feelin"???? Why do you think I'm on here? If I didn't care about him, our relationship, quality of life, and all that, I wouldn't even be trying for communication regarding intimacy nor would I bother with trying to keep him healthy. And, regardless of what my rants sound like, I wouldn't care about his lack of libido or having sex w/him if I didn't love him. I also respect his dignity, so when I just need to SCREAM or hit my head on the walls, I never talk about any of this with any of my friends because they know him. And who knows how much they'd share w/their husbands, other friends, etc.

A Passive-Aggressive does not communicate like everyone else, there is always background stuff going on that is never directly stated. Any communication to them, no matter how clear, is always filtered through their characteristic mind-set that seems illogical if you can follow their reasoning, but it is natural to them. It is driven primarily by a need to be close and a fear of abandonment. "I hate you. Don't leave me" They find it difficult to trust because that lets their guard down & they might be rejected. They even do or say offensive things sometimes as if to chase away anyone who might otherwise approach them - because they might get attached & be rejected later. I know it doesn't make sense to you & I, but after I learmed that P-A is an actual personality disorder (they don't say "neurotic" anymore) I began reading, research, etc. I often remind (reassure) him that I've never turned him down if he wanted sex. I've never left him. I've never kicked him out. Never used the word 'divorce' ....and on and on and on. I have a lot of sympathy for his scrambled mind, if I can describe it that way. It must be an awful way to live, never really trusting people, but desperately needing to be close. Looking for trouble where there isn't any. I also learned that he's an "intermittent" P-A. A lot of the time he's fine. Rational, mature, really thinks things through. If anything makes him uneasy, though, he just doesn't respond logically. The fear of abandonment rules.

Altho, as I mentioned a few wks ago, I was so blown away by the libido thing & the ensuing ED, that I flipped out and just reacted, completely forgetting to attempt to strategize an appropriate approach, I have to say that the result hasn't been all that bad in terms of communication. We've gone over things a lot. Repetitiously to the max at times. Every time there's a point to get across in either direction, I keep pounding away at that I'm not not not not not trying to dump him. That I want him to be healthy. That I am not rejecting him. That I need him to say clearly what he means & not pop off with something to get a reaction from me....as in testing to see if I'll tell him to leave or whatever. No, I haven't told him he's P-A & I know what's driving him. I'm not his analyst or his psychologist. I have reminded him we're partners & this is a team thing. At least we seem to have gotten past those times when I express a need, clearly saying "I need for you to..." then when the situation arises him saying "Whaddya want me to do???" and me replying, "I told you what...". As if what I said I needed wasn't what I wanted.... he's quit automatically thinking I meant something else so anything he does will be wrong. YAY!

Been reading Sex on the Brain by Dan Amen, M.D. Parts of it are funny, except that since most of us have no idea that male & female brains are hard-wired differently, couples continue to have the same problems with each other generation after generation.(Did you know that the part of a woman's brain that deals w/her feet is close to the part that deals w/her clitoris? If she wants to go shoe shopping, go along!!!! LOL)
J