I do believe the OW is currently out of the picture. If/when I file for D and we live separately, I can see where she MIGHT come back in the picture, but she would have to move 3 hours with a son (who is also living w/his dad part of the time in Kansas City, so that would be a big move), or they would be long-distance...I am not worried about that part right now.
H is absoLUTEly paralyzed by negative thinking. He is very glass-half empty. His oldest sister actually called him a "fun sponge" a couple weeks ago, saying he sucked the fun out of everything he was involved with...naturally he is now not speaking to her.
He does not feel/think/believe whatever that we CAN be happy again. To admit that we could, would mean he would have to change almost EVERYTHING he has been telling himself for the past year(s)...That is why I pointed out things like our trip to Mexico. He is force to take another look and admit that we have had LOTS of good, even GREAT, times in the past 16 1/2 years.
That doesn't mean we may not wind up D anyway, I am well aware o that. If he chooses to stay negative, I can't live with that and he can't live with me, when he is like that, either. But I wanted to poke some holes in his "this cannot work" theory so he is looking at a more realistic picture.
That left him very disconcerted...."Why? Why are things better?" It is as though he cannot believe that change is possible. Well, if change weren't possible we wouldn't have gone from giddy kids in love into disillusioned grown-ups....
It is as though he cannot believe that change is possible. Well, if change weren't possible we wouldn't have gone from giddy kids in love into disillusioned grown-ups....
H is absoLUTEly paralyzed by negative thinking. He is very glass-half empty. His oldest sister actually called him a "fun sponge" a couple weeks ago, saying he sucked the fun out of everything he was involved with...naturally he is now not speaking to her.
He does not feel/think/believe whatever that we CAN be happy again. To admit that we could, would mean he would have to change almost EVERYTHING he has been telling himself for the past year(s)...That is why I pointed out things like our trip to Mexico. He is force to take another look and admit that we have had LOTS of good, even GREAT, times in the past 16 1/2 years
it would also mean that Dan would have to admit he's wrong and I bet Dan would have a really hard time with that..
now BBJ..I love you girl and I'm not stirring the pot here but would like an honest to goodness answer..
the reason I ask is because of my sitch..Kim can't admit she is wrong at all..I've had a hard time with it at times..(surprised??)) I know, you're shocked!!
so I just wondered..you don't come across like that..but I bet you are a little stubborn and I KNOW Dan is...just wondering..
Don't get mad at me for asking.I'm just curious.
Last edited by M from Tennessee; 10/30/0806:05 PM.
Yes, I am stubborn. Historically, I am ridiculously stubborn.
My husband and I are both hard-headed, which is why are kids are stubborn, too (remember D2 and her 90-minute bedtime extravaganza the other night?).
I am sure Woog will remember me dragging 3 full-size garbage cans down a 200-yard driveway with a broken foot in a brace every week last Feb/March just b/c H was gone to Iowa and I wanted to prove to him I didn't need anyone's help living alone...(even though we had a friend in town who could have done it in 5 minutes instead of the 30 it took me)
H most often gets upset with me for "being dumb" which = being stubborn: *At 7 1/2 months pregnant, I went out, bought a bed frame, put it together, carried in our queen box spring/mattress and put the bed together b/c H hadn't done it when I asked him to.
*I carried same box spring/mattress down the stairs into the garage last winter on prev. mentioned broken foot b/c H was gone to Iowa and I wanted, again, to show him "I can do this (life) myself!"
(He calls it being dumb b/c the things I do on my own often involve some physical risk, or are things I have never done before that he is capable of doing easily.)
I am probably a lot like the Australian Shepherd dog we had to give away last year...very smart, very stubborn, resistant to being told what to do...
Truth? Yes, I have historically been very stubborn. And neither of my parents EVER admitted they were wrong. Can't remember a single time in all my life. When they did something hurtful, they would just wait for it to blow over, act like nothing happened, move on...
In fact, with Dan, if I admitted I was wrong it was usually followed by a BUT. "You are right, I shouldn't have taken the kids to the fair when it was 105* and Sydney had pneumonia BUT I wanted to support you and your cows...." or "I know I shouldn't have unloaded all that feed without asking you where you wanted me to put it, BUT I was trying to help since your back was out..."
Get the idea?
Now, believe it or not, since the marital crisis of '07, I have been working on this. I still do it sometimes, but there are a LOT more times when I catch myself and say, "You know what, Iwas wrong, period. And I am sorry."
However, believing me would mean H would have to buy into the fact that we CAN change.....
Yes, I am stubborn. Historically, I am ridiculously stubborn.
My husband and I are both hard-headed, which is why are kids are stubborn, too (remember D2 and her 90-minute bedtime extravaganza the other night?).
I am sure Woog will remember me dragging 3 full-size garbage cans down a 200-yard driveway with a broken foot in a brace every week last Feb/March just b/c H was gone to Iowa and I wanted to prove to him I didn't need anyone's help living alone...(even though we had a friend in town who could have done it in 5 minutes instead of the 30 it took me)
H most often gets upset with me for "being dumb" which = being stubborn: *At 7 1/2 months pregnant, I went out, bought a bed frame, put it together, carried in our queen box spring/mattress and put the bed together b/c H hadn't done it when I asked him to.
*I carried same box spring/mattress down the stairs into the garage last winter on prev. mentioned broken foot b/c H was gone to Iowa and I wanted, again, to show him "I can do this (life) myself!"
(He calls it being dumb b/c the things I do on my own often involve some physical risk, or are things I have never done before that he is capable of doing easily.)
I am probably a lot like the Australian Shepherd dog we had to give away last year...very smart, very stubborn, resistant to being told what to do...
Truth? Yes, I have historically been very stubborn. And neither of my parents EVER admitted they were wrong. Can't remember a single time in all my life. When they did something hurtful, they would just wait for it to blow over, act like nothing happened, move on...
In fact, with Dan, if I admitted I was wrong it was usually followed by a BUT. "You are right, I shouldn't have taken the kids to the fair when it was 105* and Sydney had pneumonia BUT I wanted to support you and your cows...." or "I know I shouldn't have unloaded all that feed without asking you where you wanted me to put it, BUT I was trying to help since your back was out..."
Get the idea?
Now, believe it or not, since the marital crisis of '07, I have been working on this. I still do it sometimes, but there are a LOT more times when I catch myself and say, "You know what, Iwas wrong, period. And I am sorry."
However, believing me would mean H would have to buy into the fact that we CAN change.....
ahhh the war of wills. I know it well..if both would bend just a little at the right(same) times then most things would work out. But sadly that's where the stubbornness comes in..I believe you do bend at times BBJ..a lot actually. You've put up with more than you should have too.
Dan--boy I wish Dan could see the light. I wish Dan could just step outside himself for a little bit and actually see things for what they are.
thanks for answering my question..I believe you were honest and truthful . Looking at yourself like that is hard to do sometimes..
Oh dear....BBJ, Ive just realised I'm pretty stubborn as you.
I worked a fly-in/fly-out job until I was 7 months pregnant because we needed the money - I didn't trust that h could provide for us. Maybe he could have, maybe not. I never gave him the chance.
I think h is probably stubborn too. ag...gotta get ready for work.
Hugs BBJ
*poke Mikey in the ribs and run away before the reaction time kicks in*
** Purple
As soon as you trust yourself you will know how to live. Goethe
I have returned from dropping off the planet ..ha ha. I am well known for that. Well, at least one friend has justifiably used that line on me.
After discovering you over here, where you have been for months I am sure, I tried to do a little catch up on you last night. I see you got major struggles and hurt that are trying to rear up and bite at you. Like a crocodile.
You have always been strong and I have no doubt that you and your loved one's will do more than survive but thrive under your guidance and lead. While you are leading your little one's, be led by God always. You will do well.
I have missed ya ...and it has been largely my fault. But, I am back. Perhaps we can assist one another here and there.
oh and I remember many of those acts of stubborness on your part as well. Trash can hauling on one leg, mattress lifting, etc. All those Herculean feats that you undertook. You stubborn (and strong!) piece of work you. lol
