Thanks JJ for giving me an opportunity to "think out loud" about these issues. As I post my responses to your questions I can't help but wonder what my answers might be a month from now as I know that they would have been different a month ago....but here it goes! "How SURE are you about things that are going to happen?"
I'm not SURE at all. Often the frame of mind I'm in at any time of the day OR the day itself sways my confidence or feelings of doubt.
"How much do you rely on the past, and the present, to predict the future? Especially about the "negative" things?"
I tend to rely of "past" performance to predict the future. I'm afraid I'm very "stuck" in the recent painful past. Because my H had and A (two short lived PAs in fact) that I discovered before the 1st of the year....that knowing how easily he was able to deceive me makes me very very leery to believe anything he says anymore.
"How would you see the situation you're in from an outsider's point of view? What if you were a third-party looking at the events that are going on in your life? How might you see things differently?"
As others have responded, I think if I were an "outsider" to this...the easy answer would be to say...don't look back, he'll never be worth it. And I must admit, sometimes I DO believe that myself.
"What advice would you give to you? How well would you take that advice?!"
Funny, but I would "advise" someone else in the same sit. that I'm in, that if they truly love their S, that they should try to work through this tumultous time.
"If there was no past history to taint your views of the possibilities of things that could happen in the future, what might things look like?"
Without the tainted past...I'd say the possibilities of happiness were limitless.
"If you were to put aside the "fact" that everything your partner is doing is meant to hurt you, what other possible explanations for some of their individual behaviors might you be able to come up with?"
Having read the DR book and others, I'd say that he's scared, confussed, and lost in a MLC.
What areas of your relationship might" it be helpful to "take off your blinders", and see things from a different perspective?"
I have already realized through all this pain and introspection that As don't happen in a vaccuum. That my distancing etc. contributed to the process that helped set up the "excuses/justifications" that he needed to go outside the M to meet his emotional/physical needs. BUT I also realize that throughout our 25 yrs together, I was the one that was always taking the "temperature" of our relationship and always attempting to be the "fixer." He didn't share his thoughts or feelings so I was always in the "dark"....I got tired of trying to keep/make him happy and so I gave up...
"What does that dot that the teacher drew on the blackboard represent to you?!"
Infinity
"What would your answer be to the "miracle question"? Your answer to how things COULD be, instead of the way that they are?"
My miracle would be a totally honest, monogomous relationship, where there would be no place for a secret life. Where we would be each others best friend and confidant again.
"If you were to start things over from scratch, with a clean slate, what would your relationship be like? What would YOU be doing to help lead it into the right direction?"
I would take an interest in the things he enjoys (MC riding/fishing/boating) discussing the news (local and international). I would "lighten up" a bit and learn not to second guess him or read into what he says looking for ulterior or duplicitous motives. I would remember that life's to short to take the people you love for granted. I would remember that no one OWES me their love, I have to nuture it and respect it.
