KenF: no need to apologize - believe me, I understand how all-consuming this can feel sometimes...as it does for me now...I feel like I can barely think straight today...
My W said something about doing Thanksgiving together with the kids - I just can't imagine that right now - and so I didn't accept the idea.
I'm trying to understand this pain - and let it go - let myself feel it - since it seems like feeling it is such a very necessary part of getting it out of me. Like you, I have closed the door on the M...though I cannot say with certainty if it is locked for good. I can't anticipate the future and so I'll let it be what it has to be.
I determined to be a proper example to my older son. If I've learned anything from all this - it's that there are ways to show/share love for another person that can go deeper. That's not to say that we wouldn't be where we are if I had done everything right - loving a person like my W has never been easy - it's often been a challenge of trying to look past and/or forgive the ways in which she never seemed to respect our relationship or our marriage. For all the times she's accused me of not respecting our vows, I have never once strayed from our marriage - and never once get into any kind of improper, flirtatious friendship. I may not have loved my W in the most healthy of ways - and may not have offered her what she needed to work a miracle in her life - but I don't know if anyone could - given the things she's saying and doing now...it's not about my love for her...and every time she insists that I've never loved her, I hear her telling me that she feels unlovable. I know that I've loved her, I know that even now, despite myself, I continue to love her...but I will let her go.
I will not call her parents or her sister and try to explain to them what is happening - I will not ask her to reconsider. I will accept the pain that I have to feel as part of growing and rediscovering myself - and I will accept what has been dealt me by the choices I have made in my life. I will be strong, and I will be fine. I will do everything I can to ensure that my boys have the best life they could possibly have. I will heal from this and be stronger.
