Quoting Jamesjohn: How SURE are you about things that are going to happen? AT this point I am not very sure about anything. OUr sitch is new (less than 2 mos.) and I'm still trying to sustain hope.
How much do you rely on the past, and the present, to predict the future? Especially about the "negative" things?
I used to rely heavily on the past to predict the future. Since reading the book, I've realized that these things never worked in the past, but I tended to keep repeating them.
How would you see the situation you're in from an outsider's point of view? What if you were a third-party looking at the events that are going on in your life? How might you see things differently?
As an outsider, I might see myself as a whiner. My first knee-jerk reaction is to tell that girl to just leave the man who is causing her so much pain. If I were a third party who knew the details, I might help that girl to see the things she has done that caused the M to go in the downhill direction.
If you were to read your story on the board like it was someone else's thread, what would you post to yourself? What advice would you give to you? How well would you take that advice?!
At this point, my advice is still skewed in my not-so-beginners mind yet. After reading the book I would advise the girl to work on that 180 a complete 180 and stay positive. I myself have done about a 160 but I am riding an emotional roller coaster most days. One minute he is kind and considerate, the next he is telling me that he sees himself divorced in the next year, that he isn't in love with and he doesn't want to be in love with me. Hope tends to abandon me during these moments.
If there was no past history to taint your views of the possibilities of things that could happen in the future, what might things look like?
With no past history huh? I don't know... I can't get over the past yet, it is still my present.
If you were to put aside the "fact" that everything your partner is doing is meant to hurt you, what other possible explanations for some of their individual behaviors might you be able to come up with?
I realize that he isn't trying to hurt me intentionally. I distinctly feel is upset that he is hurting me and feels to guilty to leave me and our children. He is occasionally fishing for a reason to hate me and justify leaving and sometimes I feel he is trying to encourage me to leave him and ease his guilt by making him the victim. I have told him that I am not angry at him for not loving me, that he couldn't help it. I conceded that he was hurting me badly, but that I was not angry and was not giving up. That earned me a heartfelt hug, but I wonder, was that a hug for easing his conscious or was that emotion? My C thinks I have a bad habit of overanalyzing.
What areas of your relationship might it be helpful to "take off your blinders", and see things from a different perspective?
Between the book and my C, I realized that I was a MAJOR contributing factor over a period of about 10 years. With that long a negative history, I am worried I may not be able to recover him, when he has stated that he does not want to be recovered. I was too motherly, always tempering his overconfident ego about promotions, etc. thinking that I would pad his landing if it fell through (not realizing that it came accross as criticism), I didn't realized that I didn't have fun! I honestly do not remember the last time I had FUN, I've enjoyed things, but not FUN. I had become to serious and responsible and at the same time, tempered the joy in our lives to boredom. Those are just a few of many things, the most severe is my Sexual Dysfunction following the birth of our 11 year old. I kept reminding him 'it was medical condition and marriage is not supposed to be about sex' not realizing that sex is alot of marriage and to him, it turns out, sex is the unifying factor that makes a man feel as though his soul has joined with that women. I never realized that until now - to late. I wish I had know that 11 years ago.
What does that dot that the teacher drew on the blackboard represent to you?!
Right now that dot is a black hole waiting to just suck me into its eternal, neverending agony and blackness.
What would your answer be to the "miracle question"? Your answer to how things COULD be, instead of the way that they are?
Things could be great, if I were given another chance. I worry that all of the 180 changes I am making in myself will not last, I want them to last for me too, but I'm worried that I won't be able to maintain the new position. help!! I don't know where to begin to try to figure out how to have fun? I have no idea what would be fun for me?>??? I'm considering taking a week long vacation ALONE to the Bahamas, is that dumb? Should I do that or will that make our sitch worse?
This was long, but I'm buying into step #1 open heartedly. Take my hand JJ, I need the solid lead If you were to start things over from scratch, with a clean slate, what would your relationship be like? What would YOU be doing to help lead it into the right direction?
