It was refreshing to see you count your positives. I also happy to see that you're searching out a C. This will help you tremendously. I know it's helping me. Only problem is it's not changing her. Oh well
That shopping trip sounds like a great getaway. Man, I'd love to get down under. One of my dream getaways.
Oh, and I'm jealous. You're getting summer and we're getting freezing overnight temps.
Max, you asked how I knew your name. Spooky, isn't it? But seriously, you wrote your name in one of your posts. In parens.
Hey, you also wrote, In all honesty I think the only goal I have in mind is to win my H back. Great goal. If you follow the DB philosophy though, you are gonna need to break it down into smaller steps. Read the book it explains in great detail what that means.
Like one step might be: to leave him smiling every time I see him. That in itself will not win him back but it is one baby step. That is one concrete thing you can try. It means you have to think of funny or amusing stories so that you can share them with him when you see him. It means you have to look good and maybe figure out how to subtly flirt with him. Or maybe it means you will have to have some new hobbies so you can tell him, "guess what? I started doing belly-dancing lessons and I have a performance on saturday." a surprise is worth a smile. there are a bunch of ways to fulfill this goal.
But this is just an example. Think of your own "baby step" goals, and then work on 'em.
Well I feel really sad and depressed tonight. My D were trying to get hold of their dad tonight. No answer of course. This is normal for him now. He takes no calls or replys at night.
D18 rang his mums ( thats where he is staying ) and she said he was out at a dinner with Wellington rugby. I am gutted. This is the first social event he has attended without me and worse still he never mentioned it. I want to chase him down and shake him. I feel i am losing him. What says he gets comfortable doing things like that without me and what says he meets someone . This is horrible. We seem to grow further and further apart.
I am going to TRY not to say anything to him. Give him space, I don't think he is going to miss me at all. This seems worse by the day. If he gave even the slightest hint that he missed me I would hang on to that but I get nothing.
It is like he is stone cold where I am concerned. I think he no longer loves me.
Max, get a grip. This is the first social event he has attended without me and worse still he never mentioned it. I want to chase him down and shake him. I feel i am losing him. What says he gets comfortable doing things like that without me and what says he meets someone . This is horrible. We seem to grow further and further apart. You can handle this. This is not horrible. I know you feel lonely, I've felt it myself. This is something he needs to do. If you fight it or struggle against it, you will feel worse, he will pull further away, and you will have achieved nothing.
He needs to stretch his legs. He's got the "lookarounds". Let him look around. Let him be.
This is not horrible. This is a step in a process. I know you are lonely. That is why you need to get your own life. Do your own thing, find stuff that delights you, (I'm sorry to say) without him. FOR NOW.
I am going to TRY not to say anything to him. Give him space, No, you are not going to TRY. You are going to do it. No TRY. Just do it. Make up your mind and do that thing. If the right thing is to not say anything, then DONT. Period. NO TRY.
This seems worse by the day. If he gave even the slightest hint that he missed me I would hang on to that but I get nothing. I get that it seems worse to you, but it doesn't to me. Take one step back. he needs to be more independent. He has been telling you this for some time.
Honestly, it is ok and healthy for him to go to social events without you. Even in the best of marriages, maybe ESPECIALLY in the best of marriages, the individuals have independent lives. They share some things, and some things they do not share.
This is ok. You can handle this.
You could handle it better if you were actually DOING SOMETHING besides sitting and thinking about him.
It is like he is stone cold where I am concerned. I think he no longer loves me. Have you read the DB book, Max? This is straight out of the book. His behavior and your reactions. Straight out of the book.
You can torment yourself with these thoughts, but I really wish you wouldn't. I really wish you would go and do something, treat yourself, amuse yourself, hang out with your own friends, go to a concert, get out and see the springtime air. Go!
did you call the counselors? you didn't say anything about that.
Ok - Got through the night without chasing him down.
To give you an indication of how close we were ( when i was not having an A ) my daughters were shocked speechless that he had gone out to a dinner without me. They looked a little scared, but for their sakes I just made light of it and went and typed the above post.
I just donrt have the heart to get out. It is an effort. I know what you are saying ( have been saying )and i do get out but I miss him soooooooo much and want to do things with him. Pathetic I know.
So it is saturday morning now. I will not ring him at all and IF he rings me then I wont mention the dinner at all. I am glad that I did not last night. i am such a knee jerk person. I also noticed on visa bill that he purchased 2 airline tickets recently. Not sure where he is going , or even if he has time to go anywhere. I will not ask, I will snoop around for that.
I have another challenge coming up and would appreciate any tips. On Friday we as a family are travelling 7 hours by car to attend family wedding. We wil spend Friday night at our holiday home. The next 2 nights in a motel / hotel. I know he has booked a family room.
So sleeping arrangements? Do i share bed ? I will behave as if he is not my H , and go talk to strangers etc. but what does that really look like? I dont want to be seen to be passive aggressive. I also want to be norml and not be so jolly that it false, so what is the balance - not sure anyone can help with that question.
Anyone got any strategies or thoughts that will make this trip a successful one for me?
Yes i have got the books but I will admit to going straight to the passages i think are relative to my situation. So is his behaviour really classic ?
I reaally want my husband back!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
As for C , I got yellow pages out but became so busy in shop that even with 2 extra staff I could not take a breather. Excuse I know, but after last night ,I wished I had. So I have some numbers written down and will try this morning in case they are in office.
Thanks
I am going to hope that he missed having me as company at a dinner. He would not of know many, if any people. Not even sure why he was going. Except he is out GAL.
Wow max...you are really, um....well, you are a bit delusional.
Why would it seem weird that he would go out to dinner? Even though you said your D's thought it was weird, that doesn't mean anything. If anything, it just means that you and your H were suffocating each other during your marriage.
Going out to dinner with friends and strangers is FUN.....not all the time but once in a while.....its FUN...it should also be fun for you!
Honey...you need to get a grip. Your H isn't doing anything wrong.
And one more time, here's the 2x4....you repeatedly slept with your friend's husband and now YOUR husband is moving on....sweetie....maybe somehow you can still salvage your M, but maybe you can't. You have to accept this and lie in your bed. That doesn't mean you have to be happy about it. Go ahead and grieve the loss....but seriously, by now you should at least intellectually understand that he IS going to do HIS own thing now and frankly, you should be happy he isn't trying to sleep with your sister or something way more cruel to you.
Can you not be happy that he may be getting happy now? Don't take that wrong...but if you love him, you should be at least a bit happy for him and stop being so focused on how it makes YOU feel.
I'm so sorry to come across harshly. I'm just hoping that a light slap in the face will snap you out of your pity party! You really need to snap out of it, or else you are just making things worse for yourself.
....you repeatedly slept with your friend's husband
Twice - May as well of been 1000x I know.
Quote:
Can you not be happy that he may be getting happy now? Don't take that wrong...but if you love him, you should be at least a bit happy for him and stop being so focused on how it makes YOU feel.
Absolutely no way I can be happy for him. i might be the most selfish person in the whole world but I want my family in tact. I do not want him to be happy without me. i want him miserable.
Yes I understand the need for C, and that is for sefish reasons to. I need to get back with the living and be happy. Perhaps once I am happy I will be able to be happy for him.
"I do not want him to be happy without me. i want him miserable."
Well max...I can guarantee he is/was miserable when he heard you had slept with the friend's husband. Wasn't that enough torture for him to go through for you to be happy about it?
I may sound like I am beating you up, but if you could hear yourself from outside yourself, you would see the logic in what I am saying.
DQ
P.S. Sorry it was only two times, I did misunderstand that.
I want him miserable without me, I want him to be lonely and see that we could build an amazing marriage if he just would forgive. If he could really feel that I am so soorrrrrrry.
I guess i dont want him to suffer anymore than he has because of me.
