I don't remember what I was like before i was married. I know I was not this person.
Yes , i have pity party's but that is what I sometimes use these posts for. I have such conflict within, such as pity, responsibility ,impatience, guilt,anger ....I try not to show any of those feelings in my day to day life. By venting here , I can get reality checks from people such as yourself , which keeps me on track. I really appreciate your time and thoughts on what I write. What i write is what I feel and your feedback is invaluable. PLEASE NEVER STOP.
Yes OM does creep back into thoughts and sadly I feel the last time I was happy was with him. It is also the reason I am so unhappy.
Yes I have so much to be happy about:
3 healthy children 2 parents alive and well 1 cute cat A very busy and successful business Nice nails I have lost a bit of weight , so am getting to my happy weight I am going to Australia for a weekend shoppping with friends in a couple of weeks My house is clean this week Summer is coming My D18 is home for 4 months from College I have anice bottle of wine in the fridge Tonight is junk food night.
So yes lots and lots to be happy about but it all seems over shadows by the fact my M is crap.
I know patience is the key, I know that by seeking a councillor ( no DB in NZ ) i will be helping myself. SPM challenged me to find a couple this week. It is friday morning so I am going to ring 3.
I know I am a control freak and I am slowly learning to keep out of everyones business. I would not call it a 180, more like 10 degree shifts. i have done 180 in other areas such as yelling, arguing, passive aggressive behaviour. I now act towards H as if he was not my H, this means i talk with more respect, i have few expectations. I do slip up sometimes but it is improving.
In all honesty I think the only goal I have in mind is to win my H back.
Thanks for your view and I really do appreciate a the smack around the ears.
