So ya, I borrowed the title from a book by Philip Yancey. It is meaningful to me today.
So what am I talking about? Today I wonder. Where is He? I dont question his existence. I perhaps am saying I dont know where I stand with God today. And I dont understand why God, who I understand to be loving, allows so much pain.
These divorce, betrayal, and broken family issues are some of the most painful things imaginable. Half of literature and song lyrics are about heartbreak and loss. So it is no new thing to mankind. Yet it goes on and on. We will not stop it. Ever.
I want to reconnect with God. He reintroduced Himself to me through 12-step recovery... which he founded through two devout believers.... Bill W and Dr. Bob. He's all over that. But yet I am affraid. I am hurt. But not without hope. It just feels so far off.
I am tired. It has been a long month. Guess that is why I am back here.
Chazz, I wish I had an answer for you on that one. I have a reputation around here for being a real cynic, I prefer realist, but with that being said, I believe this; God puts us here and gives us a brain with the ability to make choices. Unfortunately some of those choices are wrong and they can hurt a lot of people. We only have control over one person, ourselves. Chazz, what you have to do is make the best choices for yourself and try to re-build from the past, it can be done, it will take a lot of work. I always say that its the hard things that define who we are, everybody is great when things are going good, its when things get hard is when we find out what kind of character we have.
You picked an interesting title..... When I was shopping around for a new W.... I was visiting with a "candidate" in Tampa, FL.... I found myself visiting a Christian bookstore one day while she was at work...... I found that book there in the used section.... I picked it up for a buddy of mine who was and still is going through some serious health issues....
My friend, I can relate to the betrayal, heartbreak, loss, hurt and pain beyond description..... I wish there was some way to just flip a switch and it is all gone.... Unfortunately, that is not the case......
I, like you, have a new life..... One where God has blessed me beyond my wildest dreams.... Beautiful W.... Soon to be even bigger house in an awesome neighborhood.... Luxury car.... Great S16 (from exW #1)..... Soon to be taking the CPA..... Starting a new business venture with a Doctor friend.... My health is excellent... Everything is good as it could be...
Yet, I still feel this black cloud over my head.... Because of what happened with Kim.... I know I did everything I could... I made several mistakes... But, I NEVER told her I would not be willing to work on our M....
I cannot help but be human and ask.... "What does Kim really think about our divorce now seeing how my life is?" A rhetorical question...
In the end, the only solution I see is to turn it over to God, step back and allow Him to work....
RMG
Last edited by RMG77739; 10/30/0802:57 PM.
"The bad things in life open your eyes to the good things you weren't paying attention to before." from "Good Will Hunting"
You are 100% correct. Our exWs made very wrong choices which hurt us, our immediate family and friends. They did that of their own free will knowing exactly what they were doing.
I agree we can all rebuild from the past. I personally know it is very hard. The most difficult thing I have found is really letting myself go and loving again. I feel like what my exW did tainted my view of love forever. The innocence and joy of love are gone. I think I will forever see it as another "business" arrangement void of deep emotion. That is just the way I feel now.... It is what it is...
Take Care,
RMG
"The bad things in life open your eyes to the good things you weren't paying attention to before." from "Good Will Hunting"
Chazz, He is there. The only thing I can really think of is that saying, 'God doesn't give you more than you can handle.' It's hard to understand sometimes and I've questioned it myself. But then I think about it. Thru everything I have been thru, especially the last year, I've had some very dark times. But the lessons I have learned from them are huge. If I had not been thru those times, I wouldn't have these lessons. I would still be making the same mistakes over and over again. I am a stronger person because of them. And that's where that saying makes sense. He has a perfect plan for me. I have no clue what it is. But in order to get there, I have to be a strong person. He knows I am that person, and these experiences have made me realize that myself. Don't get me wrong, I've said myself, "I'm tired of being strong! I'm tired of the pain. I'm tired of wondering what is next! I'm tired of being strong!" Then, the dark time passes and it makes more sense when I have a new found strength I thought I didn't have. Like RMG said, give it to Him and let Him work. I'm not a very 'religious' person, but I've read the Bible some and one of the verses that has really stuck with me and really made an impact on my life is Matthew 6:34 (NIV) 'Do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.' Julz
Me- 29 X - 30 M - 7.5 years Final April 2009 S - 2005 D - 2007
Don't make someone a priority who only makes you an option.
A wise fish once said...Just keep swimming...Just keep swimming!
Chazz, what you have to do is make the best choices for yourself and try to re-build from the past, it can be done, it will take a lot of work. I always say that its the hard things that define who we are, everybody is great when things are going good, its when things get hard is when we find out what kind of character we have.
I agree with you totally Brave. I have done a ton of rebuilding and choicemaking in a positive direction. I have read many books, taken many courses, seen many doctors, posted here and other places and been to probably 1,000 recovery meetings.
I believe I have moved forward incredibly and have enjoyed growth and insights beyond what I ever imagined.
What I am saying is that somehow in all of this I feel a distance from God and pain and sadness still.
I am not looking for specific answers from anyone... I simply find that by posing honest questions, amazing answers come back through dialogue. Sometimes in the most unexpected way.
Yet, I still feel this black cloud over my head.... Because of what happened with Kim.... I know I did everything I could... I made several mistakes... But, I NEVER told her I would not be willing to work on our M....
Yes, this is the mystery to me too. Life is good. Amazing frankly. Great job, great new wife, great R with my son and most of the time great R with my daughters. Healthy, live in a great country, friends, I can laugh, etc.
Yet still I arrive at this sadness. Yet still, God seems a distance off. My last thread was to do with how I did not find a sense of a meaningful relationship and relevance amongst many Church people. I still don't.
I am sure there are anwers out there and I am sure they will arrive. I suppose the purpose of this thread and my Qestions is to be honest about my desire to know... as well as the paradoxical feelings of good and bad.
Don't get me wrong, I've said myself, "I'm tired of being strong! I'm tired of the pain. I'm tired of wondering what is next! I'm tired of being strong!"
Ya.... I am simply at one of those points in the journey. Tired. Maybe I am ready for a new dimension in my R with God and my dissatisfaction I am experessing this the beginning of that next phase.
Who knows.
Am glad to have a place to go with these thoughts and feelings and glad to have a the ability to live another day and make choices just for today.
It is interesting, in AA we talk often about living a day at a time. AA was founded on the Bible and the bible quote you mention is the source of this day at a time principle. It is amazing how effective this simple concept is.
Yet still I arrive at this sadness. Yet still, God seems a distance off. My last thread was to do with how I did not find a sense of a meaningful relationship and relevance amongst many Church people. I still don't.
Chazz,
I understand. We must keep in mind God created us to have fellowship with Him. That is why filling "the holes" with booze, drugs or sex simply does not work..... That "hole" is a God shaped one... Nothing else will fit....
Interestingly, as I read your post, I remembered back to an informal gathering we used to have every other week on Saturday nights back in Pittsburgh, PA.... It was held at an old church... We would sing.... Jimmy would preach a short sermon.... We would gather around, sing and pray.... It was truly an awesome time.... It just felt like that little old church had been transported to heaven and we were in His presence... Overwhelmed by it all..... There are no words to describe that... I TOTALLY miss that........ I wish I could find a group like that again...
We also need to remember God is constant.... We are the ones who move away.... I know I need to get back to reading the Bible daily and meditating on His word.... I need to pray more often... Seek Him more.....
Take Care,
RMG
"The bad things in life open your eyes to the good things you weren't paying attention to before." from "Good Will Hunting"
AMEN!! God is ever so constant. He is always faithful.
So true that it usually us humans when not feeling that connected.
I too msut stay in the Word daily and take time to talk w/ Him more during the day. For when I would do this, it kept me close to Him, so much I would sometimes even feel his arms wrapping me up in his arms....<sigh> There's no other better feeling then that for when I was the most down and out, he always comforted me, either by sending someone to pray for me or other ways.
