I guess you should just be honest at this stage Jeff.. after all these years, just be honest. Tell her how you feel, tell her your hopes and dreams, tell her you want to know whether or not she is happy and what you can do to help, if at all, if she isnt.
What do you think?
Ali xxx
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
Jeff, maybe this will jumpstart you. Ladies, feel free to jump in and critique. It was written quickly. I will not be offended at all. Just trying to throw some ideas around for our friend, Jeff.
I am writing this letter to you because I want to be sure that I am able to say everything I have been feeling. So here goes. We have not been happy in this marriage for a long time. And while I know we are getting through the days, I want more. I have to know if you do too.
We have a history together, you and I. And four wonderful children. And in this uncertain world, that is more than most. I would like for us to give this marriage a real chance - to see if we could find happiness with each other again.
I need to know if there is any chance that you would like to explore what our future holds.
I am the queen of letter writing in our marriage, but I write what I know, which is my experience! I couldn't tell you what to write. The only advice I would give is to be direct....no need to sugar coat it all. She seems like a "direct" person in a lot of ways, unless I misread here..
Tell her
1)You are not happy with the way things are 2)You want more (feel free to specifically describe the more: more touching, more laughing, more time spent together doing xyz) 3)You are willing to work to make it better (feel free to say some things you will do/have done like helping around the house) 4)ASK her if she wants more, and what is she willing to do to have more?
If you don't ask, you will never know.
H said the weekend before he bombed me again, "I need to get on livin or get on dyin, one or the other"
Sounds kind of trite, but it is true in some ways. Are you living like you want to be living? You already know that....
Hey Jeff... advice I have heard on these things is, you can only really talk about yourself, your feelings and how you see it. So, (sorry beginnersmind!).. I dont thikn you could say "We have not been happy in this marriage for a long time".
I'd express concern for her though, if you dont think she may be happy/fulfilled and that you would like her to talk to you about that, as she is your W of over 20 years and you have raised 4 sons!?
Its tricky, as you have already gone to Retrovaille and ended up back here again. Whose idea was it to go to that by the way?
Ali x
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
I'm glad you've taken my suggestion to write a letter. I think a good start would be to just sit down and pour out everything you're feeling into the letter, with no regard to how it sounds THEN go back and edit it. If you want, you can post it here for us to critique.
Try not to look at this as some huge project. Just sit down and do it- you can always change what you've written before giving it to her.
((((((Michelle)))))) It is virtual Friday! Tomorrow is an "off" Friday!
((((((n_a)))))) I will post it here before I give it to her! You all are too good of a resource to ignore!
((((((Ali)))))) Yes, I realized after our last talk (when she told me she wasn't miserable, after I said that I thought "we" were both miserable) that I can only speak for myself. For all I know she is over the moon!
((((((BobbiJo)))))) Thanks! I know that you are quite a writer! We'll find out if you are a good editor, too!
(((((Donna))))) I think that is a good start. And the start is the hardest part! Well begun is half done, and all that!
I don't know when I will write this. There is a birthday party overnight tomorrow night (S14's birthday was the 21st), so things might be a bit hectic. I will try not to see it as a big project, but I do need to take a little care in it!
Now worries Ali, that is right, he should only write about his feelings and really I dont know how he feels. I just thougtht it might help Jeff with some ideas of how to get started.
Jeff, I agree with new attitude. Just have at it and whatever comes into your head about your marraige or your feelings without analyzing or thinking about it.
You are so lucky to have all these wonderful ladies helping you out.
