Good Morning sweetie! I am sorry I wasnt around last night. I am trying to get to bed early these days, trying to "recharge"...
Reading about your L's comment I remembered that high class shark lawyer I went to(one of the three). He heard my story, asked a couple of questions and then he said, "Maria, I know you are in pain but I've been around and I will represent you if you want me to but I dont think you will need me. Your H doesnt sound like he wants a D. People that want a divorce, just do it. He wants a "leave of absence" until he figures out everything. Dont you know of anybody that can grab him from his shirt and tell him he is crazy for hurting you and the kids so much?" Does that sound familiar?
Anyway, your H can go crazy all he wants, he can be an insensitive jerk, he can go back and forth , he can "play" you intentionally or not, he can hate himself all he wants, he can do whatever. After all these months you really need to "practice" detachement because he'll drive you crazy. Even if he moves out of the house, he will still act like that. He cant be any other way. That's who he is right now; a weak, confused, panicked, unfair,crazy little man.
I am sorry. It's disappointing to realise your "other half" is less than half, maybe even less that "a quarter of the one" you two were... He cant step up and become who he was or even better cause right now it's beyond his powers.
Remember this has to be "your game your rules", Love xxxx K
D went back to daycare today, I hope she makes it through the day. She is acting just fine, today is the Halloween parade and she will be a pink poodle with her classmates as they parade around the building trick-or-treating...The only concern I have is that her antibiotics can cause diarrhea so if she has problems w/that they would send her home.
Last night was interesting. H was very friendly when I got home and I was distant. He seemed a little confused. I had cried a bit walking home from class last night, thinking about what I was preparing to do, which was basically tell H I am at peace with filing. It still was not my goal, my plan, but given the circumstances, H wasn't willing to work with my on my goal/my plan for an intact family so the choice had been made. I was only following it through...
I got home, there was a little chit-chat, H was watching a TV show "Dirty Sexy Money"--basically a soap opera but my H was quite into it.... So I sat in the same room with him and we watched it "together" till it was over.
Then I told H I wanted to talk. He asked me what was wrong with my night class....I said nothing, why? He said you looked upset when you came home. I said, "I was upset about what I have to say to you, not class". That quieted him down.
He asked me to come sit beside him on the couch to talk.
I basically told him what I have said here. I said: *I plan to call the L and set up and appt. for next week, to start the filing process...
*I have been praying and listening to my fav. pastor over the internet the past few days, I am now at peace with my role in this (I elaborated as to why I could now get past the guilt of being the one to file) At this point, he looked upset, grabbed and squeezed my leg, etc.
*I have enjoyed "hanging out" the past few nights, but it does hurt me after hanging out that you go to sleep downstairs, I try not to let it bother me but I am human. He nodded his head like he understood and was wiping his eyes on his shoulder at this point.
*If we continue on "like this" I know myself well enough to know I will let myself feel for you again and I don't want to leave myself open like that when you plan to leave. So we need to move on with the process of D. Several times H stammered like he wanted to interrupt me, but stopped. He grabbed for my leg again a couple times, blinked back tears.
H SAID,
*I have enjoyed being with you this week. We are hanging out with the kids (ie pumpkin patch) and without (after they are in bed) and things are 'nice'. I don't understand WHY that is.
*What is different this week that we are 'okay' together? What will happen when that changes?
*How long before I go to mom and dad's to check cows and come home to bed and you get mad at me?
At this point, I said
ME: Have I gotten mad any night this week when you have gone to check cows?
H: No, but why not?
Me: People CAN choose to change...
H: (Shaking head) I don't know why things are different...
Me: Because people can choose to change.....I have chosen to change. That is why I haven't complained about you spending money on the cattle, I choose to respect your judgement now.
H: But why? What is different?
Me: All I can say is it is choices we CAN make....
H: Can we just sit here together for awhile and NOT have to talk? Just sit together?
Me: Okay, I said what I wanted to say anyway...
So we both sat together on the couch and fell asleep that way. I woke up at midnight and went to bed.
Red, you said stop worrying about what he wants and figure out what I want. Well, I want to LIVE! I know all about GAL, find my own happy, etc. But hard to act "as if" I am getting a D when H lives with me, we hang out witht he kids, watch TV, etc.
I As long as H and I are around each other that much, there is a part of me that will try to think he will change his mind.
I guess I would rather cut the cord now, and MAYBE be surprised down the road IF he came back and I wanted him back;
than to keep doing the dance we are in now, where he is "here" but not "here", and then he leaves at some moment where I have started to feel hope........
So am I crazy?
You are definitely NOT crazy! It sucks w/ them in the house & acting like nothing's wrong but you know there obviously is, but still wonder what they're thinking and what they are going to end up doing -- either leaving or staying.
I didn't necessarily mean GAL etc. as far as what you want, I meant you need to decide if you want to stay or go and then act accordingly. I know still trying to act like nothing is wrong in hopes of him either already wanting to stay or maybe deciding to stay really sucks, so you are going to need to decide whether or not to put your foot down and say GO or not. Do you WANT him right now? Do you think if he stays & you guys act like a family he is going to go back to "normal?" Or do you think he needs a taste of reality by moving out etc.?
That's what I meant by deciding what you want. Do you want to continue living the way you are or are you going to tell him "ENOUGH?"
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
"Why are things different? Why can we get along NOW?" like I rained on his parade or something.
He actually said that he was ENJOYING being with me the past few nights....
I am not going to turn around and kiss his butt at this point, that ship sailed. I will continue to be friendly and pleasant, (We have parent teacher conferences tonight about S)but I will not touch him, be affectionate, say ILY, etc. I will just be the friendly "Me" I would be to anyone I care about...
I am sure he would expect me, at this point, to start being more needy, clingy, expressing my affection, etc. He probably thinks that if he 'threw me a bone' as they say, by being uncertain last night, that I will hop around him like a puppy wanting more affirmation.
But I am not going to do that. If this were fishing (maybe that will bring Kerry and Woog around!), I would say he is bumping at my hook. If I yank it now, he will be GONE. I won't do that......
I will continue on being the me that he has enjoyed the past few nights (because that IS me), but also being matter-of-fact that I am still thinking I will have to file......
I forgot I mentioned something last night when I said I was ready to file.
When we went to Mexico 4 years ago, we got there and our resort sucked, not at all like it was on the internet site. H and I were both mad about he, he raised a stink with the manager and we got transferred to a much better resort.
We ordered a soup at one restaurant there (at the crappy resort) that we thought was a beef broth but it turned out to be full of crayfish, shrimp, mussels, everything H hates! And there were stray cats wandering around our legs IN the restaurant!
Through it all, we were a team. We got upset TOGETHER (at the resort management), and we LAUGHED together (at the cats and the freaky soup). I told H,
"This tells me you CAN work with me instead of against me, and you CAN choose to laugh at the little things that screw up our day, instead of getting angry. You can say it has been this way ALL ALONG, but we both know that isn't true, we have been happy together MANY MANY TIMES. So I am okay filing b/c I know I am not wishing for the impossible, but you are choosing to be different..."
While I talked about our trip H was nodding in agreement about how we had been a team then, even if we aren't today (he was also crying). That is when he finally interjected, that he felt that way again these past few days, like we could be "good", but he didn't understand what made the difference or how to know if it would last.......
