Trying2Live-Post #3

[AllW8SBF]

OK Hope, get your ulee patootie in here every time you want to go off on H about R. Everyone this is where we need to come when we have that urge to backslide. Or have that huge piece of chocolate cake come here, pretend we are H and say what you want to say, and you know what, because we feel it too we will probably say what you want to hear and it will feel sooo much better.

And I am soooo glad we don't have to give T2L any advice, man what would we do if we had to give her advice.

Faith-I love that prayer. I will definetly be saying it. My only problem is h NEVER has much use for church/religion, he believes there is something there but not going to work for it. I NEVER force it on him, I always wish that he and everyone could experience the overwhelming feeling when you know he is there, and he guides you on your way. I feel no fear when I think of him, I know he is there, just sometimes I forget to rely on him. But the building the marriage with praying together and that just won't happen with H and I. He'll never do it unless (and sometimes I hope that in all this mess and fog this is the time that God is going to overwhelm him and he'll see him and know he's there - this will be that moment and that's why this is happening, but I feel that he needs to want it to happen, to open his heart to it, and he won't, whether he's afraid that it could and then how can he explain it away, or he just really doesn't believe in it.) Whatever, I believe and I know God is present so I'll lead the prayer for our family.

I'm glad we have T2L she gives us so much positive advice. I've printed out and will read the femanum nature post.

Ok so last night I get home -LATE- this will be a whole question for you girls later. But I walk up to our room past him in the loft chatting. And I say hi, how you doing, and he's grumpy and says best as I can be. All disgusted like. He comes in to talk and I listen - just generic stuff. I ask about dinner and decide on Lasagna and go to get it, he follows me around - he does that alot because I'm always busy, even before or at least right when I get home. He says he'll put the lasagna in once the oven is heated go take your shower.
Oh I said I may need your help, then I'm like oh never mind I'll figure it out. Ooooh bad - he's like you never need my help. I say yes I do. Talk more than I say you know it would be easier if you helped me, and here is the funny.
I told him I need him to take a picture of me...with nothing on, his mouth dropped, it came out all wrong, I'm like no no no I meant it needs to be a head shot, (by this time I'm dieing, I'm laughing and can't get the words out), I'm like it needs to be a shoulder and head shot and I can't have any hats, scarves, glasses on. He's like ok. Feeling relieved and I was just laughing.

So I go take my shower. He tells me that this person he's waiting for to make plans with for Saturday has till 9pm tonight to get back to him. Well dinner is about ready and he gets a call I think it's from her they talk for a while, but later he says to me that his friend says that I was right about my advice the other night. I just say thanks glad I could help and pass it off. He wanted me to inquire me, because earlier right after the call he's like gosh what an exhausting call. I ignored it. And once he came down for dinner I said I still need you to take the picture, he's like you need this tonight and I'm like yes. I got all gussied up, so he thought it was for a profile picture. He says you want to go upstair and freshen up? And then I get the instructions - smile, stand up straight, shoulder back...
Please I hope I don't offend any one here, but the picture was for my FOID card. I've been wanting to get my Firearms Owners ID and kept putting it off, putting it off. And so now I'm getting it. I plan to do things and as h would put it, I have half baked bicycles in the garage. I start something and NEVER finish it. So this is something that was easy and almost done. So now it will be done today !

Now the question - I know I'm supposed to be GAL but here is my prob. One of h's prob with me is that work was more important - I did that because I don't make a lot but if I worked more I got overtime which is more money. We've had separate accounts ever since our first separation because he felt I spent too much money - then I'd go to the gym and get home at 7pm cook dinner, eat, and clean up and it would be like 8pm sometimes before we ate and 8:30/9pm before we could relax and by then I'm tired and wanting to go to bed by 10pm so no time together.
So last night when I got home late and he said aren't you going to shower before dinner, I'm like no, I'm running late and I know your probably hungry. He's like what's new. As in I'm always late coming home. Now thinking about that (just now) I try my hardest and am always ontime or early to church and parties but coming home I'm never on time. Well if I'm supposed to do a 180 do I come home early? I mean how do you do both - GAL and 180's? I was thinking what I could do, is come home most days right after work, cook dinner, eat at a normal time and THEN go to the gym. That way I'm not late. And then there are 2 days that I leave early from work - so those days I can go right to the gym and won't be home late. When I say late, I'll get home after 6:15-6:30-7:00pm and he's been home since 5:15pm - he comes straight home.

So what do you think? Now thinking of it I feel I've shown less importance to coming home. He is fine with me going to the gym, that's good for me but work treats me like crap and I give more to it.
Man the irony here- I could come home early - to a man whose in a fog and treats me like crap, or stay late at a job that treats me like crap - I really should just not make accomadations for either crap giving entity