My situation #5

[Distressed67]

Here's my update of the past few days:

When I got home from work on Sunday I went over my IL's house for dinner. My W and kids had been there since early afternoon. I played with my kids outside doing some exploring and climbing the little rocks they have on their property. My W was drinking wine with her mom and she was a bit looped.

After dinner I drove them all home. I was talking to my W about how I hope I get this new job. She said, "I hope so too. If we are going to have a chance you need to get a local job. I'm waiting."

I didn't address this comment because I found it to be a bit strange. Later on I got a little pissed off about it because it seems like she's putting her hesitation on my back still. I've hopped through all the hoops that were put in front of me - and I have to say I've done a damn good job of it. Now here's a new hoop. Plus I didn't really like the 'If we are going to have a chance' part of the comment and I'm not really sure why it bothered me.

Of course, I kept my PMA going and didn't show any indication that the comment bothered me. I got past it later on that evening and just basically brushed it off as another 'comment' - especially since she had been drinking.

Let this roll off your back like the sleeping in the other bedroom comment. Do not put so much faith in what she says. Look for what she does or is doing.

Monday I ran a bunch of errands in the morning then went to a wake with my brother and his family. My uncle (he was 85) had alot of lung problems and he died on Sunday. He was my godfather. It was nice seeing everyone on that side of my family - although it would have been nicer under better conditions. I had called my W in the morning because I wasn't sure if I was going to drive myself or ride with my brother. I told her I felt bad that she'd have to take care of the kids by herself again. Usually on Mondays I help out alot because it's my day off. She told me to just go with my brother and she'd take care of the kids - it wasn't a problem.

After the wake I got home around 8:30 and the kids were already in bed. My W and I talked for a while about regular logistics and a few other things.

My W had IC yesterday with our MC and she told me it went pretty good. She said the MC told her to come alone again next week because my W has issues she has to work on and we can't really work on the M until she does that. It's similar to when I was going to IC with our MC to get myself balanced out. (It was around the time when I was out of the house for two weeks). My W said the MC asked her why she stayed in the M so long and allowed the things the way they were for so long. They addressed some of the things about her parents relationship and how they affect her. So next week she's going alone again.

When she was telling me she was going alone next week we laughed. We said first it was my turn, then we worked on the M a bit, now it's her turn to get balanced out, then M work, then my turn etc.. Then my W said, "Soon we'll have to send the kids in too. Then we'll have the whole family in there taking turns." We both laughed about the situation.

Then we went upstairs into the bed. I was so tired I started to fall asleep around 9:30 while my W was watching the TV. She laughed at me and said, "Why are you going to sleep now. It's so early." She was poking fun at me because I said the same thing to her the other night when she went to bed around 8:45. We laughed.

My W actually has started to give me a kiss when I get home from work. She gave me one last night when I got home from the wake. I haven't initiated it at all and she stopped doing it a while back. She even gives me a kiss goodnight once in a while now.

This morning she got up and said she was so tired. It was cold outside and pouring rain and I said it would be a perfect day to just stay in bed. She got back into the bed. After a little bit I slid over and spooned with her. I put my arm around her and after a little while she wrapped her arm around mine and held my hand. We layed there for a little while. Then she got up to take a shower. It was a nice feeling holding her like that. I haven't initiated anything like that in a while so I figured I'd give it a shot.

This is what I mean by looking at what she does and not what she says. You had some great light moments. She is going to IC to work on herself and then hopefully it will lead to working on the R/M. And finally she is letting you near her in bed. That is the biggest sign things are getting better. Actions not words that is what you need to keep an eye out for. Good for you at taking a shot at being near her and great that she was so open to it.

I went downstairs and made the kids' lunch, then they each came down after waking up. I gave them breakfast and made the coffee. When my W came down I made her breakfast and poured her coffee - I do all of this every morning. It's a big change from the way I was in the past where my W took care of everything and I basically stayed in bed till the last minute.

When I left for work this morning my W gave me a bit of an extra long hug. And she really squeezed me - again, very nice. I told her I loved her and she said it back. Then I was off to work.

Spooning, ILY's, Hugs and Kisses all really good stuff. Keep it up your doing great.

[steady]

Thanks Coach. I think the comment came more from a position of taking the stress off of her - having to take care of the kids so much while I'm commuting to and from work (2 hrs each way). But it would also take a ton of stress off me and her, give me more time with the kids and her, better financial picture too. So it would take alot of stress out of our lives.

[steady]

Yeah Tim, I know it's only words. That's why I was able to let it go that night. There were alot of things that were said in the past that never came to be. I figured the worse thing she could say to the snuggling was no. I have gone a long while not initiating anything like that so I figured I'd change it up a little.

This morning we snuggled a bit too. I asked her if it would be ok, and then added, it's fine if you're not ok with it. She said it would be ok. She moved the blanket so I could get close to her. She held my hand - it was nice.

Journaling:

Last night when I got home my W left right away to go to the PTA meeting. I put my D to bed and then read to my son. I started to sing to him and he was laughing at me because I make up words to the songs that his mom sings to him. My W came home and I told her that our S would rather her sing to him.

We talked for a little while after she put him to bed. We went to bed and watched a little TV then fell asleep. Same morning routine this morning.

I think it's great she's going to IC with our MC. Our MC is a great therapist and I know my W will make alot of headway with her.

[ernest88]

I figured the worse thing she could say to the snuggling was no. I have gone a long while not initiating anything like that so I figured I'd change it up a little.

Atta boy. DB says when something is not working then do something different. You and Tim...you guys are on. You guys have this down. You guys stay the course. Focus on what you know. There are other things on this site at the moment which are not DB at all and can be viewed as pursuing. Steady I know Tim comes here every day so this is for him too..so for the hijack..

so steady..is she doing IC weekly?? When is the next MC??

[Distressed67]

I started to sing to him and he was laughing at me because I make up words to the songs that his mom sings to him.

I was wondering what was up with my dog last night. Pacing around howling at something I could not see or hear. Thought she was nuts must have been your singing.

[fb2]

Hi Steady, How did you get your W to come to MC and then IC? How did you find the C?

[steady]

I figured the worse thing she could say to the snuggling was no. I have gone a long while not initiating anything like that so I figured I'd change it up a little.

Atta boy. DB says when something is not working then do something different. You and Tim...you guys are on. You guys have this down. You guys stay the course. Focus on what you know. There are other things on this site at the moment which are not DB at all and can be viewed as pursuing. Steady I know Tim comes here every day so this is for him too..so for the hijack..

so steady..is she doing IC weekly?? When is the next MC??

Hi Mike. Thanks for stopping by. I know that if I had done the snuggling earlier on in the sitch it would have definitely been pursuing. But I knew this wasn't in the 'pursuing' vein. I wanted to switch it up a bit and tried it. If the feedback had been negative I would definitely have not done it again. Now I'll sit back before I take any kind of initiative like that - just watching to see what happens.

Right now she's doing the IC on an individual basis with our MC - she went this Monday and is going alone next Monday. My guess is that she's going to be going every week until they get her balanced out. I'm not sure when the next MC session will be - I guess it depends on what happens with the IC sessions.

No hijack here. You can post anything you want on my thread.

[steady]

Hi Steady, How did you get your W to come to MC and then IC? How did you find the C?

Hi fb2. We started MC in January on her initiative. Obviously there had been problems in our marriage. We went a few times and then stopped. The bomb was dropped in the beginning of April. I had been going to a psychiatrist for bipolar disorder and he was bringing in a person to do counseling at his office. We saw that person once but she left.

Then about a week later he brought in our current MC. My W was open to going so we started to see her. I did some individual sessions with her and we were also doing MC together.

The MC has been unbelievably helpful in my sitch and I'm lucky that my W wanted to go. I see alot of sitchs here where the spouse is unwilling to participate in counseling - individual or MC. So I count my blessings to be in the position I'm in.

[steady]

Hey Tim. I heard a dog howling in distress - must have been yours. lol

My D loves my singing. She's two and doesn't know any better I make up words to songs for her and use her name in all of them and I think she likes that.

I guess it wouldn't hurt to get some singing lessons - sounds like a good 180.

[fb2]

I see alot of sitchs here where the spouse is unwilling to participate in counseling - individual or MC. So I count my blessings to be in the position I'm in.

Hi Steady, It's a blessing indeed for those willing to go, the next barrier is how good the C is and the willingness to change oneself. You need all 3 for success.