Thanks for your support and suggestions. It really helps hearing your perspectives and experiences.
As you know my counselor has me doing art therapy. Initially the images were cartoonlike in ink. The downright rude ones or dealing with spouse in particular ended up being in pencil. Once I had a frank discussion with my dad (who molested me throughout my childhood) about how I didn't want the rest of my life filled with the bitterness and anger I'd felt toward him compounded by the actions of my spouse.. something changed. The buzz and anger disappeared.. gone. It was amazing.. just gone.
It wasn't something I planned, it just happened. Well.. happened with the support of friends, counseling, coming here, being willing to change, letting go of fear. Everything led me to being able to talk without fear, to express how I felt. Incredibly neat. I will use all that to forgive my spouse and myself for the loss of our marriage, the death of 'our' family, the guilt I feel for what this is doing to the children.
My drawing has changed. It's full of color and perspective, shading and using colors as I wish, not what you expect. I'd always been so afraid of change, afraid of everything. Although I would sketch in the past I would never touch colors. I was so afraid that whatever I did would be wrong. Now I just grab what I want. Fall colors captivated me. I used to view autumn as a time of death, mourning in advance the bleakness of winter. Everything is getting fuller, richer. I don't worry about something being wrong.. like the perspective. I'm just drawing and loving it.
My very wise brother adeptly 2x4's me, giving good advice which has usually always turned out to be right. My fourteen year old daughter talked about her difficulty with my binge eating, how she feels drawn to stop me. Lots of positive growth going on.
