D went back to daycare today, I hope she makes it through the day. She is acting just fine, today is the Halloween parade and she will be a pink poodle with her classmates as they parade around the building trick-or-treating...The only concern I have is that her antibiotics can cause diarrhea so if she has problems w/that they would send her home.
Last night was interesting. H was very friendly when I got home and I was distant. He seemed a little confused. I had cried a bit walking home from class last night, thinking about what I was preparing to do, which was basically tell H I am at peace with filing. It still was not my goal, my plan, but given the circumstances, H wasn't willing to work with my on my goal/my plan for an intact family so the choice had been made. I was only following it through...
I got home, there was a little chit-chat, H was watching a TV show "Dirty Sexy Money"--basically a soap opera but my H was quite into it.... So I sat in the same room with him and we watched it "together" till it was over.
Then I told H I wanted to talk. He asked me what was wrong with my night class....I said nothing, why? He said you looked upset when you came home. I said, "I was upset about what I have to say to you, not class". That quieted him down.
He asked me to come sit beside him on the couch to talk.
I basically told him what I have said here. I said: *I plan to call the L and set up and appt. for next week, to start the filing process...
*I have been praying and listening to my fav. pastor over the internet the past few days, I am now at peace with my role in this (I elaborated as to why I could now get past the guilt of being the one to file) At this point, he looked upset, grabbed and squeezed my leg, etc.
*I have enjoyed "hanging out" the past few nights, but it does hurt me after hanging out that you go to sleep downstairs, I try not to let it bother me but I am human. He nodded his head like he understood and was wiping his eyes on his shoulder at this point.
*If we continue on "like this" I know myself well enough to know I will let myself feel for you again and I don't want to leave myself open like that when you plan to leave. So we need to move on with the process of D. Several times H stammered like he wanted to interrupt me, but stopped. He grabbed for my leg again a couple times, blinked back tears.
H SAID,
*I have enjoyed being with you this week. We are hanging out with the kids (ie pumpkin patch) and without (after they are in bed) and things are 'nice'. I don't understand WHY that is.
*What is different this week that we are 'okay' together? What will happen when that changes?
*How long before I go to mom and dad's to check cows and come home to bed and you get mad at me?
At this point, I said
ME: Have I gotten mad any night this week when you have gone to check cows?
H: No, but why not?
Me: People CAN choose to change...
H: (Shaking head) I don't know why things are different...
Me: Because people can choose to change.....I have chosen to change. That is why I haven't complained about you spending money on the cattle, I choose to respect your judgement now.
H: But why? What is different?
Me: All I can say is it is choices we CAN make....
H: Can we just sit here together for awhile and NOT have to talk? Just sit together?
Me: Okay, I said what I wanted to say anyway...
So we both sat together on the couch and fell asleep that way. I woke up at midnight and went to bed.
So I sat in the same room with him and we watched it "together" till it was over.
