I think I posted this in the wrong forum before so I'm hoping this is the right place for this.
Hello..
I've been married for 9 years and been together for 11. We have two beautiful girls, 5 and 7. My wife told me a couple weeks ago that she wasn't in love with me anymore and a couple days ago told me that she wants a divorce.
I asked her about my boundries and she said it was ok that I still hug and kiss her. She still wants to have "date night" where both of us go out and do something together. She said this is to build a friendship for the kids". I took it that she just wants a friendship and doesn't want to try to help our marriage. She still calls me sweetie, hon, etc. She doesn't want to go to any councelling of any kind. We both play an online game which she gets a lot of attention on. She loves playing the game and it makes her happy because she gets a lot of attention and likes playing.
She wants me to be confident, she wants me to be healthy, and she wants me to be a happy and positive person. She wants to hear how good my day at work was.
The problem is that I was addicted to the computer/gaming and I have neglected the relationship for the past 8 years. She finally had enough and said she was done. She has been a stay at home Mom and has not had any socialization really for the past 8 years. I neglected her, didn't listen to her, and didn't give my time to the family.
I seen the light and told myself that I need to make myself a better person for myself but also for my family which she is a part of. I've joined a gym, seen my doctors, and seeing a psycologist to help me out. I've been helping get the kids to bed, I've been doing things around the house as I see them when they need to be done and I don't point these things out to her seeking her approval. I'm doing them because I want to do them and I know that is what a good father and husband does.
I still have to admit that I'm scared out of my wits that she is still set on divorce and is going to leave at some point. Our mortgage is under water right now with the housing prices being so low so if she did leave we would have to walk away from it and take a big hit on our credit. This is good for me! It gives me time to make the changes I need to make and show her I am not that selfish husband/father that I was in the past years.
I've talked to her too much about this stuff and I have over-talked my stay. I cannot talk to her anymore about this as she is completely done talking.
I have since got a marriage coach from this site and have started to completely leave her alone. I'm not touching her anymore, not telling her I love her anymore and not saying anything about anything. When she talks about stuff, I actively listen and when she is telling me about something that made her happy I make sure to tell her something like "I bet that made you feel good." to let her know that I am listening and confirming how she is feeling. I make good eye contact as well when she talks to me. I also talk to her if I have something funny to tell her or show her a funny/interesting video clip that I've found on the net. Monday was the first day where I stopped touching her. I would -always- touch her when I would leave. A hug, a kiss, a touch on the back, something and I would always say I loved her. Monday afternoon I stopped all that and yesterday (Tuesday 10/28/2008) was the first full day of me not touching her or saying I love her. Yesterday was a fully nice day. It was hard from my perspective but I got through it. I didn't sleep well last night because it feels like that if I'm backing off I will allow her to leave me easier. Up front I know this is not the case but my deep emotions are scared of losing her. She is a wonderful women, friend, and I just love her so much. I'm completely ashamed of myself that I treated her this way in the past and put her where she is today.
It feels to me like we're separated but living in the same house. It's very hard for me to go home every day and put on a happy face. I do my best though and I listen to her and I make good eye contact and make sure that I confirm how she feels about what she is saying. I'm learning that this is what a good listener does for someone and I am enjoying that.
From what I've said here, what are your opinions? Does it sound like she is really done or is she just saying that out of pain but her actions speak otherwise? I'm kind of confused about this so I would like to hear from other people what they think. I would especially like to hear from women because they understand what and how other women think.
I think it she REALLY wanted a divorce, she would have moved out or asked you to move out. Are you two sleeping in the same bed still?
You're on the right track as far as no more touching, and no more ILY. She's going to notice this FOR SURE. She may say nothing about it, but she will notice.
People say all kinds of things that they don't mean. I've heard "I'm done" more times than I can count. It doesn't even mean anything to me anymore. One of the keys to DB is "don't believe ANYTHING they say, and only 50% of what they do."
You need to get Divorce Remedy fast, and read through it. You've done great by getting a coach. Remember, this is a LONG process, and you need to be patient. NO MORE talks about the relationship for now.
Make sure she sees you GAL (without ignoring responsibility around the house).
Welcome. I wish you the best. We're in this together.
Me 36 Husband 35 D5 S2 separated: 10/29/07-present Served divorce papers 1/22/09 "When the world gives out beneath your feet, it is time to learn how to fly."
Yes, we are sleeping in the same bed. When I went to bed last night I told her "Goodnight.." and that was it. For the past near 12 years I've always touched her, hug/kiss and an I love you before I would go to bed. So when I told her "Goodnight.." and nothing else, she replied "Goodnight Sweets..".
She likes to talk to me when I get home. If she has something to talk about she tells me about it and all that stuff. It's just hard for me so hearing what you have to say helps me understand where she really is in here head by her actions. I'm promising myself to not touch her or say ILY right now until she comes around.
I really need to figure out how to GAL. I joined a gym and stuff but other than that, I don't know what else to do. I don't have many friends around where I live. I know on the weekends I can just take my kids places and have fun with them.
I talked to a pastor at a church and he asked me if she would go to a movie with me. I said I didn't think so but I would ask. He said I should take her to the movie "Fire Proof". I told her that the pastor had me ask her and I told her what the movie was about and I was surprised that she said yes. Now that she has said yes, I need to try and get here there to watch it. I'll ask again if she is still willing to see it with me so that I give her the opportunity to back out if she wants to.
We had a good evening last night. We talked a bit and even this morning we talked a bit more about this and that - nothing inparticular. I am planning to do the same thing tonight. I think I might go out in the garage and do some cleaning so that she can get our car in the garage. The rainy season is coming and I don't want my kids to have to go out in the rain to get in the car if they don't have to.
I will order Divorce Remedy just after posting this and start on it right away.
What does she mean by "I'm done". She kept repeating that. What her words said is that she is done with the marriage and she just won't even go back to the way it was before. I told her that I would never put her back there - ever. I never want to be the person that I was in the past. I've realized everything that I have done and I can't live with myself doing the same thing. I simply don't want to live that way anymore.
Any other information you have for me would be greatly appreciated. I'll post here how things go so I can write it out. It helps my mind when I can share with others and they comment. I really appreciate the encouragement. It makes me feel good that I'm doing the right things and that if things don't end up the way I want - I will know that I did everything in my power to change myself for the better and that she is going to miss out on a great person going forward.
I called and the book The Divorce Remedy on hold for me. Tonight after the kids get put to bed I'll go over to the book store and pick it up and get started on it. Thanks for the suggestion. I seen a few pages of it on Amazon and it seems pretty good from what little I seen.
I went and picked up the book tonight and started to read it. When I left I told my wife that I had a few errands to run after we put our girls down to bed for the night. She didn't ask where I was going, when I would be back, nothing.
The one thing that I know I need to do is be patient. The thing is, I'm not patient and I need to learn to be.
At this point I feel like shes really gone and we're separated even though we still live in the same house and we are still sleeping in the same bed.
The biggest thing that bothers me right now is the fact that she spends so much time on this online game where she has lots of friends which many of them are guys. She says she escapes into the game and its like a drug. She doesn't have to think about the pain. She says that if I take that away that I'm taking away her fun and that I would only do it because I don't like it when she is happy. So that makes it really hard for me to tell her that I don't want her to play it anymore. It's not that I don't like her playing it, I think she plays it so much that we don't have any time to make things better - no time to interract with one another. So I'm just letting her play and going about my ways doing my own thing, cleaning the house, taking care of the kids, etc. I've also stopped touching her and telling her that I love her so that she will stop "running". The chase that I was giving her was pushing her farther and farther out the door so I'm told.
I don't know, I'm just talking and getting my feelings out because I can't do it to her - it would just make things worse. She had told me she is SO tired of hearing my talk about it. She says it's exhausting to listen to me. :-(
Anyways, I got my book (The Divorce Remedy) and I'm going to go out to the other room and read it now. I'll post again in the morning on how things went for the rest of this evening. I'll kind of use this thread as my journal for myself. If people read it and can comment, please do. I'd like to hear from people.
Hi Alliistah- Sounds like you're making some strides with DB already- keep it up! It's really a plus in your sitch that she is still living in the house, and sleeping in bed even. That's great compared to many here on the boards. Here's a thought, is there a 2 player game you and W could play once in a while? (playstation, xbox?) It may even be all 'talk' if she hasn't left yet. Definitely keep doing what has been working for you, it will develop.
DBer since 2003 D - 3/24/09 GAL and DBing for myself
The one thing that really concerns me is that this game she plays all the time. She plays it every day and there is one guy inparticular that she spends a lot of time with. I think she is completely having an emotional relationship with him. Both of them log off at the same time at night, and when she gets up in the morning, they're on together again. For instance, she got up at 5am this morning and when I came down 10 mins later, there she was - in the game taking to this guy again. If I mention anything about it, "he's a friend" and she gets all defensive about me taking the game away from her and that if I do "she won't be at home - she'll go out way much more" because this is her socialization.
So I'm just completely letting it go for now. At least she is here in the house and I'm not wondering where she is at at night. I'm going to stay my course and act like nothing is wrong. I think she is probably wondering why I haven't said I love you to her or touched here in the past 2-3 days. I'm going to continue to back off 100% like I was told I need to. I'm sure she has noticed that I haven't said anything about the game either. I guess it will take some time for her to realize that I've backed off from all that.
When I seen her this morning when I got up I said "Goodmorning" and she said the same back in a friendly tone. Then we talked about why she was up.. Our daughter slept with us and she was kicking her in bed so she didn't sleep well last night.
One thing that I know was a big issue for her was my relationship with my Dad. We've struggled for 30 years to have anything because he is an alcoholic and drug addict. I've had issues with him over the years and yesterday I picked up the phone and called him to tell him I was thinking about him and that I loved him. Then last night he called and I told him more about what was going on. He said he wants to be there for me and he even said that what I have gone through he feels most of it was his fault. This is very unlike him so I hope this is a breakthrough. I told her that and she was interested to hear what I said. I thought about not telling her and letting her see on her own but that wouldn't be "friend" like. If she really was my friend I would share a big development like this with her - so I did.
I'm sure today will start off the same.. I'll go take a shower and then get ready for work and then I'll leave without touching her or saying ILY. I'm sure that will be completely fine.
This is just so damn wierd. It's hard for me to not touch her or tell her ILY. She is a wonderful person and she means a lot to me so backing off is difficult. I'm doing it, but it is not easy. I think I'm going to go out to the other room and read The Divorce Remedy a bit more before I jump in the shower.
Doing step #2 from the book "The Divorce Remedy" I have chosen these as my goals to improve my marriage:
1) Spend more quality time with my children and wife 2) Spend more time helping with things around the house 3) Make myself happy through GAL and a relationship with my father 4) Realize the things that make myself and my family happy and embrace those things
I will now move on in the book.. Maybe it will teach me that these goals are not specific enough or I need to change my thought process.
Here is a bit of an update: I told my wife that I have gym tonight because my trainer cancelled on me last night. She said we're doing pumpkins tonight. I said "Oh, I want to be here for that!" not knowing that I was already going to be. She got a snooty look on her face like "You're going to be here..You go to the gym after the kids go to bed you idiot". Now I don't know if she thought that, but that was the look on her face. Kind of a look of disgust or irritation.
Maybe she is irritated that I've completely left her alone and that I'm doing all the things that she has wanted from me in the past. ;-)
Another thing that I'd like to mention is that she stopped playing the game around 10:35 Pm last night. For a long while now her range was minimum of 11pm and a late end of 2:40am when she would quit playing the game.
I've noticed that when we have had talks in the past and she would be irritated, she would have late nights on the game. Now that I've stopped talking about things and have completely backed off from her, it seems that those late nights are slowing down a bit. It could be that I'm watching too close but I'll keep an eye on it and see how things go.
I'm also coming up with questions for my next session with my coach as well at this point.
I'll say some of them here in case someone has some info they'd like to share.
1) Since I've completely backed off from her, how do I know when it would be appropriate to start doing little things for her again like making coffee for her or doing any small little thing that lets her know I'm still thinking about her? Maybe that won't come for a long time and thats ok, but I do wonder that. I would think that I can't back away forever.. Then she would think that I don't care about her and have let her go. I just don't know what kind of time frame that might be.
2) Before I backed off and started with this DivorceBusting program and a coach, I had asked her if she would go to a movie with me. The movie is "Fire Proof" and it was recommended from numerous people that go to church. I told her what the movie was about and she agreed to go last weekend. I know that if I don't bring it up again that she will just let it pass. So I was thinking of getting the showtimes written down and just give them to her and telling her "These are the show times for that movie I was telling you about. They said they think it will end this Thursday so if you're still willing to go see it with me these are the available times."
I'm not sure if taking her to see that movie would be me pushing her to "work it out" and cause her to move away from me more or not. Since she is a WAW, do any women here have any options on this?
