I understand what you are saying. You know what though? He is not a pathetic pleading man. He handles this with degnity and has been very cautious to respect my boundaries during ...negotiations. So, I am sure a lot of women would desire him (as always) but the problem is with this particular crazy woman...
I am checking those walls as we speak to see if they can be torn down... K
I love the rock polisher analogy, life does throw us around and wear us down around the edges. It's nice to think we come out "polished" from the experience.
I speak as someone who did resurrect the old marriage and make it shiny and pretty again. It can happen. Someone once said to me that a long marriage is a process of falling in and out of love over and over. That may be true. I don't know if it is supposed to happen that way, but for us it has happened that way.
I see you and BBJ and so many others on this board struggling with life, young kids, unhappy marriages, sick parents, and jobs, and I remember how unhappy I felt when my kids were young. (I haven't really experienced the sick parents part yet, though.) Now that my kids are pretty much grown, I look back and think those were very happy times. I just didn't realize how much I enjoyed all the things we did -- the ballet classes and recitals, the cookie baking, homework, school projects, trips to the beach. When they were going on, they were all torture (except the ballet stuff, I knew I loved that.) And as we look back, those were good times for my husband too. After all, we were young and strong.
Where am I going with this? I think there is value there. I could have a new husband, or a different lover, and we would enjoy dinners out, and vacations, and evenings at home. But somehow being with that person who experienced it all with me is a good thing. And I have found that when I reject him my husband looks unattractive, and when I am loving to him him shines brightly and looks handsome. It took me forever, but I do think the butter is on this side of the bread. A long marriage and intact family is a wonderful thing, and it is worth the work to create it.
"And I have found that when I reject him my husband looks unattractive, and when I am loving to him he "shines" brightly and looks handsome. It took me forever, but I do think the butter is on the other side of this bread."
Did I not tell you... all of this (DB'ing) is about "seeing" things with some new eyes.
Maybe I can't walk you thru all the "in and outs".. thats why "others" are here.
Sometimes.. people say the coolest things.. when they just don't know.. what to say.
That all I have to say about that.
Relax Eat Think Act normal React.. Smartly. Do something different. Emulate. Do Work.
Thank you all for being patient with me.I understand what you say Sara. I think that is how I kept my love alive for him the 12 years of our relationship (at least during some of them) and 7 of our marriage. I know how that works.
And that is exactly what I am trying to do right now. I focus on the effort he is making and try to bring that loving feeling back to me heart. Yesterday afternoon I had sent him a mail asking him if he loves me. If he knows now that he cant live without me, if he feels I am too preciosu to lose, if he wants ME and not the kids and our family environment. During both our duscussions he never said "I realised I love you" or something along these words. He only said he "never stopped loving me". You may think I am playing with words. But I am not. I need to know that the motive that got him to say he wants to come home is his love for ME. I need to count on his love for me to think we have a chance because I cant count on mine.
He never answered the email or called yesterday at all. Last night I went to bed thinking "This is it- I cant do it, he is too late. I will just tell him so tomorrow". 2 o'clock in the morning I get a TM saying "Maria I am so sorry. I received your email, it was impossible to talk today, we are letting people go at the newspaper and I am still at work, we will talk tomorrow, Good Morning".
Hey Maria, was just checking on you. Good luck with your call, perhaps he wants to say these things in person and not on email, perhaps its frightening for him after a year apart. I guess you will be getting you answer right about now, hope its what yuo wanted to hear. Ali xxx
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
Hey Al, no he didnt say anything about the mail. We spent 10 minutes on the phone talking about his work. During our last face to face discussion, he said he realises he should share with me more what's going on at work so I have an idea how his life outside our home is. So, he was extra willing to tell me every little detail... K
