HH, I don't have any parallel experience, BUT, from my seat, you are in a pretty good position.
You are in the prototypical Divorce-Busting position. You are in the same house, in the same bed even! And so all of the DBing techniques and approaches are available to you. She is going to see when you do 180's. She is going to notice when you change your clothes, change your hair (If you are balding, get out of denial and just shave your head already...), start going out more or less, get new friends, get a new hobby, change your habits of reaction and interaction, and on and on and on. She is going to notice if you call more, or if you call less. She will notice if you bring flowers or start doing more work around the house. Or less. She will notice if you make changes.
She is sitting there saying to you: Attract me! Fulfill my dreams! I'll wait! And all you have to do is figure out what she likes and you're IN.
Did you read the DB book? If you read it a long time ago, read it again. Did you read the Five Love Languages book? IF you haven't, by all means read it now. If you have, read it again.
ok now tell us the 180's you've done. List out the changes you've made in yourself, and WHEN, and HOW, and if they stuck.
Secondly list out every complaint she's made about you, that you can remember, and then your honest assessment of whether her complaint is valid or not. Then if it is valid, what have you done specifically to address that complaint? Be specific.
Last, tell me all the stuff you don't like about yourself, stuff you have sort of looked at for a long time as character flaws. Be honest. Too short tempered? Too passive? Whiny? Too emotionally detached? Not decisive enough? Not punctual? Not adventurous enough? Messy? Not creative? This is not stuff she complains about, necessarily. It is stuff you know could use improvement but you have always put it off, always thought "whatever". OR it is stuff you always wanted to do, but never got off yer arse to do it. Or you're afraid. Ok, now pick three of those things and FIX THEM. Improve. Take an organization class. If you are too tense, take a meditation course. If you are out of shape join a gym. If you are shy, go to improv night and read your own poetry on stage. If you want to learn a new language or learn to play an instrument, sign up for a class. Get your Scuba certification. If you always wanted to climb a mountain, start planning the trip now. etc etc.
Last thing: who are your male friends? What are they like? How many do you have? Are they strong? Intelligent? Successful? Inspiring? Great. If they are not... then you need some new friends. Surround yourself with successful men. You need to build a community around yourself that supports your success. The people in this community could be a pastor, a business colleague, an old high-school chum, a neighbor, the men's group at church, the fathers of your kids' friends, whatever. The point is you need to have male friends who are strong and successful and who can mentor you and support you. And check out bettermen.org to get an idea of what I am talking about.
That's just getting started.
In the DB book, it recommends listing your goals, and then breaking those goals down into bite-size pieces. Your big goal is you want a loving marriage again. But that's too big for all at once. you need a series of smaller step-stone goals. What's the first one? example: I want her to touch me in bed three times in one week. Example: I want her to accept a backrub when I offer. Example: I want to go out to dinner with her twice a month.
Ok those are examples. You should identify your starting points, your first steps, and then write them down. Then you can get busy working on those specific small positive steps. Keep a journal - what happened day by day. What did you do, what was your mood, what did you see from her, what was going on with her (busy at work, ill, backache, bored, energetic, etc). be attentive and thoughtful as you keep the journal and you will see that you are automatically paying more attention to her, and not in a smothering way. If your goal is to take her out to dinner, and she's been unwilling or uninterested, then one small step is for you to go out to dinner by yourself and atart researching new restaurants. Find something that captures the imagination. a new chef, a new style of cooking, a gorgeous view, fantastic service, whatever it is. Something unique. No TGI Fridays.!!! And after you do this a couple times, she is going to poke her head up and go "whatcha doin?" and she'll want to come along.
Speaking of which - some say the secret to re-creating the passion is to do new things together. When you were first together, everything you did together was NEW, and this fueled your good feelings for each other. So if you can find new things - that is excellent, much better than the SAME OLD things. New restaurants, or better, if you always go out to restaurants, do something totally different: hire a chef to come into your home to cook. or cook yourself. (learn to cook - could be a good 180). If you are always eating at home, then start going out, make it a quest to dine at all the nice restaurants on your side of town. or to try a new restaurant every week. or start playing tennis together. Or ... there are a million options.
Man, I hate to say this, because I know you are suffering for the loss of your lover, but... I would love to be in your shoes. You have all the opportunity in the world.
Oh - another good book to read (beyond DB and 5LL) is "Passionate Marriage" by a guy named Schnarch. It has the most unnecessarily obtuse prose I have ever seen in a book, but the principles are good.
