Help, it seems my 35 year old wife is in MLC #12

[InLikeFlynn]

I am rooting for you!!! I am retired military and think strategically so it can come off as black and white. You are on ground zero as they say....have all the knowledge as far as her personality. There has to be some chinks in the OW's armor that can be exploited. Some way to make your wife or the OW realise this is just not worth the headache. That is what I would keep pinging on!! Good Luck.

[missmyfriend]

ILF, I can see it from your perspective and I am impressed with your ability to see it from differing perspectives. Often, I have seen and heard people express one way that worked for them. And sometimes that would work for another as well. I can't tell what would work best for me let alone for Imageer because he knows his wife best.

I can only imagine what may and may not work for Imageer since he and I have some similarities in our situations plus our wives appear to have similar personalities (all without actually meeting his wife ).

Something I have always been concerned about is whether my children would think that I am okay with the situation (my kids are older than Imageers btw) so I have said things like, "I love your mom, she is still my friend and I will always be supportive of her and not necessarily her actions. I know you love her and you have been hurt by her but I believe with every fiber of my being that she would do anything for your kids if the situation was serious enough. She has been an awesome mom for most of your life and I know she doesn't seem like it now but I am asking you to think of the mom she was and I expect you will see that person again."

It is a different sitch with Imageer because his children are smaller (plus my children are not aware of the OW like in Imageers situation. My W is acting like they are just friends).

If my kids do find out about the OW, it won't bode well for my W. I am praying that my kids will learn to separate that from her being their mom if they should find out. I have tried to gently warn my W from sharing this with the kids so their relationships are not strained.

Imageer, I read something very interesting the other day, from a ministry where the person leading it used to be in a homosexual lifestyle. He said a major mistake the church takes is trying to convert a homosexual into a heterosexual which is too much. He said they need to move the person into a relationship with God and becoming more holy. Instead most people think that if only the person could be with someone of the opposite gender, that would fix anything. The ministers point was that it was treating one problem with another.

He said that his problem along with many others that he has worked with really don't have a sexual identity problem but an image issue. They are dealing with who they think they are so they move to something else that is more acceptable.

He is now married, heterosexually, but he said he couldn't get there without dealing with his image or identity problem first.

I began to think about my W and then your W and what we have discussed and it completely made sense. Both of our Ws have a huge image problem with themselves. My W never has felt good about who she is no matter how wonderful I said she was.

And, I think that is why, in my sitch and possibly yours, we cannot be too loving to our wives. Let me correct that, we love them by being a true friend. We listen to them, we cannot save them financially or otherwise, we can protect them in a sense by supporting them with our children and with friends and other loved ones but letting them fail when they need to.

If they can overcome the image problem they have, which their lifestyle choice is the antithesis of, they can move back toward a real loving relationship with their spouse.

[Imageer]

It would seem that W has cycled back to her fantasy life again. A week or so ago she asked if she could have the kids the night before Halloween so that they could carve pumpkins together. Tonight she calls me and says that she thought about it and she thinks they will have time on Halloween night after school before they go out. I said I didn't that was much time and it was ok with me for her to have them the night before. Her reply was "We'll something came up and I'm going to be out the night before. I have to go help someone with something". So once again, she has brushed off the kids to go play with her friends.

I honestly thought she had gotten past that.

Then she hangs up with a really sweet "ok, G'Bye". In the last month or so, this is the way she has been talking to me.

[Imageer]

MMF, What you are saying is interesting. I have suspected for a while now that W has a self esteem issue.

I has suspected that this lesbian thing is a part of that. She has a tendency in the past to want to try what her friends had done (sexually and otherwise). I always had the feeling that it was to some degree so that she didn't feel like they were better than she was. I think this tendency is one of the reasons why she developed an interest in women. I don't think it is coincidence that she worked with an open lesbian at the time and Ws bad friend liked to brag that she had sex with her brothers wife.

Most of W's friends have been people that were beneath her and she often would try to build herself up by being better and smarter than they were. She also use to love it that co-workers would come to her to solve problems.

On the other hand, W is very outwardly confident so if she does have a self esteem issue, it is not really visible.

I agree that the course of action that we have taken is the right one. I don't see any benefit to not trying to be her friend. However for me, I have to balance that with being more alpha maleish I know W likes that and I admit that when my life turned upside down financially, I became a lot more wussy and it hurt our M.

[lawless]

Ima,

Just catching up on a few friends sitches here.

I don't find myself surprised at your W's actions or job loss in the slightest. It is really echoing what is going on with my XW. They are so lost it isn't funny. I am wondering if she might be drinking? My XW has lost her job and is now on social assistance, back to drinking lots and to look at her you would think she was in her 50's. It's really sad how far they can fall and I really think now that they do need us to simply be there when they need us. I know that my XW deeply regrets what has happened over the last couple of years, I still get nonsense phone calls, I think because she needs to hear my voice or something ( I might actually see her in person once a montyh these days)

You seem like you are in a good place mentally and sound like your strength is returning. Time will allow you to gain strength and perspective, funny how it works but it does every time.

Billy

[Imageer]

Hey Billy,

I agree that they want us to stay close to them. I don't think that they are nearly as sure of their actions as they claim to be.

My W was never much of a drinker. I'm not either for that matter. However once she latched on to her bad friend she seemed to want to drink more. Once she left, the drinking seemed to increase quite a bit. I would go to her place and there would be a bunch of empties on the porch from the night before and usually she would be working on a glass of wine. I've never seen her drunk when I'm there but I think she has gone from having a drink once a week before she left to drinking daily.

I have noticed a few people talking about how their spouses look like they have aged. I haven't noticed this in my W. However, she does have a tendency to look down. I've even asked her a couple of times if she is ok because she looked like she was about to start crying. She always says she is fine and then passes it off as something else.

Ws severence ran out about a week ago. By the sounds of it, she didn't save any of it and she is basically out of money. Now she is going on EI and it only pays about 1/4 of what she was making and only lasts 6 months I believe. Basically her stress just increased exponentially. She has a few job leads but nothing has materialized yet.

It's good to hear from you. I hope all is well. Don't stay away so long next time.

I was having a conversation the other day with a woman from one of my suppliers that was transfered here from Vancouver. She has lived there her entire life and was terrified of what the winter was going to bring. The temp got down to 5c the other day so she went out and bought every winter utensil she could find. She listed off about 5 or 8 things to me that she bought for her car. It was very amusing. I'm half expecting to see a car in their parking lot with chains on the tires.

[Imageer]

My father was over for dinner tonight. My mother and father have be separated for about 5 years now. It is/was MLC related.

I have known for years that he was having an A with a waitress from a local restaurant. I know her. She is about 20 years younger than my father and not what I would call attractive. for the first time, I had a conversation with my father about this tonight. I did my best to listen and not be judgmental. My father did say some interesting things though.

I was under the impression that he was having a PA but it doesn't seem that way. It sounds like it is a EA. In his words "She takes care of me" However, they do live together.

He feels guilty for what he has done. My mother has not moved on to another R and doesn't really intend to. However, she is constantly struggling for money. He feels guilty for this.

My father also said "When I left, I was having a MLC" Personally, I think he isn't finished it yet.

The most interesting thing that my father said to me was that he feels that he can't go back to my mother because she never pursued him. He says, "She never has asked me to come back. She never said she loved me, so I just stay away" It sounds to me that he wanted to go home at one point but wanted my mother to make the first move. I told him that it works both ways and that he could have told her that he wanted to come home too.

In reality, I don't think my mother would take him back. They are not very good at marriage but the bigger issue is that my father is a pretty heavy drink and a miserable drunk. They have had some pretty bad arguments in the past (never physical) and he has said some terrible things to their friends in the past. I don't think she wants to go back to that.

This conversation was brought on by my mother talking to him about filing for D. Her motive is to protect her finances. He thinks she has a boyfriend.

[Dawn of Hope]

Imageer,
This is very interesting. You having a MLC W and having parents who have been dealing with MLC. Hey, maybe your mother is on this board somewhere! Do you have siblings?

I was under the impression that he was having a PA but it doesn't seem that way. It sounds like it is a EA. In his words "She takes care of me" However, they do live together.

They live together but it's not a PA? Riiiiiiiight. Well, of course you know your father better than I, but just based on the above, I don't believe it.

The most interesting thing that my father said to me was that he feels that he can't go back to my mother because she never pursued him. He says, "She never has asked me to come back. She never said she loved me, so I just stay away" It sounds to me that he wanted to go home at one point but wanted my mother to make the first move.

I have never understood why MLCers think this way (well, I don't understand a lot of things about MLC thinking). They seem to think that they can walk away from the S, but if they become interested in returning, it's up to the LBS to extend the bridge. It's like, "Hey, *you* were the one who put a halt to that aspect of our R. And now you want *me* to stick my neck out and try to get it started again? Knowing that if you're not ready to resume it, my attempts will just push you farther away? No THANK you!"

I told him that it works both ways and that he could have told her that he wanted to come home too.

That is more diplomatic than I could be. Sounds like you said just the right thing (although who knows if it will get through).

I'll bet it's kind of surreal, talking to your parents about their dysfunctional M and As and MLCs. Jeesh.

Hope you are doing well today, Imageer.

Peace,
Dawn

[Imageer]

They live together but it's not a PA? Riiiiiiiight. Well, of course you know your father better than I, but just based on the above, I don't believe it.

It sounds like an odd situation. He says that he moved in with her while she was living with her boyfriend. Eventually her and the BF broke up and it was just her and my father living there.

It is possible that there is an element of PA but my father is 64 years old, diabetic and a heavy drinker and I'm pretty sure he has ED.

[Imageer]

I wonder if W is cycling again or if she is just not having a lot of fun in her life.

Last night I went to her house for Halloween with the kids. It was pretty great. I took the kids trick or treating and she handed out candy. I have no idea where OW was nor do I care.

The kids had fun and W and I laughed and joked the whole night.

Then I met her at D6's dance class this morning and she was a completely different person again. She was cold and miserable and didn't talk much.

After a little bit, she relaxed and was smiling and she laughed a few time.

Shortly after she left, she called me and was miserable again and bitching at me about how much homework S8 had gotten done while he was with me.

This flipping back and forth is different than she has been in the past. It messes with my head.