Hi Max, I haven't been by to see you in a while, but I was catching up on your stitch. Doesn't seem like you have prgressed a whole lot and I really do hope you will make an appointment with a good DB counselor. You said you didn't know why you were putting off, but I wonder if it is b/c you know you will have to discuss some issues that you don't want to talk about or face yourself? I also have to wonder if you still think that you can control this stitch without professional help. You are a controller.....you know that, don't you? You try to control your H even though you are S and you told him that you wanted out of the M. You get hurt and have a pity party and name all the reasons that you are sad, but honey, you have not listed the things to be grateful for. I know that you are in pain and pain brings out the worst in us.....believe me, I know that. But, I also know that if you were to sit down and really take a good hard look at your life, I just bet you could find a lot of things that you have been blessed with. Am I right or wrong? You can start with health. Are both your children in good health? If so, thank God every day for that. That is just a beginning.
I know we could list hundreds of people that are worse off than we are and the truth of the matter is......it doesn't make us feel that much better.....b/c we are still in pain. But, it concerned me so much to see all the things your mind was focused on that were bad and nothing was positive. Please, for your sake and your children's, try to make it a point to think about something good and positive in your life at least once a day....would you do that? I know for a fact that as long as we dwell on the negative, we will get sicker and sicker until we reach a bad place and you don't want to go there. We are here for you and want to help you, but you have got to work harder to help yourself.
First of all, please know that I understand why you are so upset about how this all backfired in your face. You feel betrayed by your H. He promised if you would tell him the truth that he could handle anything but lies.....just trust him with the truth. So you did.... and as you said, look where it got you. You are hurt, bitter, angry, resentful, controlling, and feeling very sorry for yourself.....and that is going to be your downfall if you don't do something to get help.....and fast.
Max, I almost could hear a hint of sorrowfulness that you gave up the OM since things turned out like it did. I thought at one point you were actually going to come out and say that if you had known that your H would have done you this way that you would never have given up the OM. Would you believe me if I told you that I understand that? I do. There were times that I had those feelings. They did not last very long, but for a while I did, b/c I was not the one wanting to stay in the M. I was simply trying to do what was right. But, I was not a happy camper! Everytime I got so put out with my H, I would wonder why did I give up the OM. Now, I don't think I have ever said that to anybody else, but I want you to know that I understand where you are coming from....okay?
However, after saying all of that....it does not take care of the problem, does it? You said youself that you are very impatient.....well, we can tell...lol. But, in a case as this, you are going to have to be patient and you are going to have to do a heck of a lot of work on yourself, Max, not on your H....yourself. You have used some DB terms, but have you actually read the book? If so, you need to read it again, and this time....study it.
What kind of goals are you setting for yourself? What are the 180's you are doing? What improvements are you making? And, BTW, IMHO, getting a job is not exactly GAL. Yes, it keeps you busy, but you need to do something for fun....not just working. Anyway, I didn't hear any of these things in your posts. Did I miss it? If so, I apologize.
We want to pick you up Max. We want you to bust this divorce. Don't give in to getting one so easily. It doesn't have to happen, but girl you have got to get off that feel sorry for Max pillow and go to work! Stop controlling everyone else and control yourself. How can you dare try to control your H and in the same breath say you "can't" do something yourself? Yeah, it's hard, you darn right it's hard. Do you want to know the easy way out? You already know, don't you? Sure you do, b/c you've already said so. But what does that make you? How will you feel about Max? You talk about how your children need their father and you are trying to make him be a good parent....well, I could talk all day about how that doesn't work, but I don't have time and you probably wouldn't listen. You are so busy looking at all your H's faults that you can't look at your own and I think that is one reason you are a coward for not seeking professional help. Yes, you have admitted to having an affair, but now you regret telling the truth even though it was the right thing to do and the fair thing to do. So, now you wish you could back up in time and you would lie to your H and you think that would be all honky-dorey! Well, it wouldn't.
Max, let me tell you, I think you have what it takes to fight! I think you could do anything you set your mind to, but apparently, you have to prove this to yourself. What were you like when your H fell in love with you? I am interested to know what your personality was then. When did you begin to change? Yes, I said you....not your H. You need to focus on you and not him. He will never come back until you change back. However, as the DB book tells us, we must do it for us.....not to reel them back in again, or it doesn't stick and we lose them again. So, what are you going to do? It's all up to you. You think the ball is in his park, but it isn't.......it is in your park, baby........so let me see what you've got girl.
I sincerely hope that you will start to take care of yourself.
Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
