Oh, I'm feeling the LOOOOOOOVE. You guys are all my homies. I am really glad, feeling good about how things are going.
I am also really glad I found this place. It was a lifesaver in the early days. Now I feel it is a place where people know me, understand me, empathize with me, and of course, right back at you all.
So without further delay, Today I am thankful for:
Pumpkin carving. Tonight I had the 4 kids for the evening. We had gone pumpkin pickin' 10 days ago, when I had them on the weekend. In my childhood family, we got one pumpkin, but each of my kids picks their own. And it's sort of a competition to see who can find the grandest one. So we have the amusing situation where the 40-lb six-year old kid is carrying a 30-lb pumpkin out of the pumpkin patch. Anyway, tonight we carved 'em. Imagine the scene - four kids scattered around the kitchen floor, carving faces in their huge pumpkins. Pumpkin seeds and pumpkin goo everywhere.
Fred Meyer - this is a repeat. I had gone to my favorite store this afternoon and they have all the halloweeny stuff on sale, so I picked up a fog machine for $15 - half off! What a deal! The boys got a big kick out of it.
The thaw. I still have no contact with W although when we finalize the divorce agreement, I will be able to email her directly to discuss parenting stuff. I sent an email today to W's attorney asking if I could bring the kids to work on Friday - there's a Halloween party and it's lots of fun. They had fun at work last year, and so I asked for that again. To my surprise, the STBx quickly agreed to bring the kids to my office! The kids are excited about it. This is a pretty clear signal of a thaw. In all the other cases where I asked for exceptions to the "formal agreement" she has declined with no reason given. Just because. I fully expected it again today. In fact my counselor asked me, why do you keep asking if she keeps saying no? Well, today she said yes.
Good Vibrations. There is still a restraining order on me that restricts me in many ways. According to the order I am not permitted out of my vehicle when we do the kid exchange - for her protection you see. Well I have been flouting that part of the order for months. I could be arrested for this, but I was betting against it. See, I didn't like to greet my kids while sitting in the car - I liked to hug them when I saw them, and I couldn't do that while seated behind the wheel of a car. So I make sure to arrive early at our meeting place, then I sit on a bench and wait. If she is afraid of me she can stay away, stay in her car, whatever. But lately she is coming closer and closer. She doesn't have to get out of the car but she does. She's like a wild horse on the Outer Banks, warming up to me over the course of months. Today she came right up to me as I sat on the bench. She spoke to me for the first time in ... 9 months. I did not respond because of the order. She was wearing the sweater I got for her, for V-day 2007. It is very nice - a handmade design, very fashionable. I remember going to some trouble to get it, eventually calling a store in Indianapolis to get it sent to me. Anyway she was wearing it today. She looked good.
My Mother, may God rest her soul. I remember her every Halloween when I roast pumpkin seeds. I don't know why. It was always a favorite thing for her to do. My kids love the seeds, and when I smell them roasting, I think of my mom. And I know she is "there". I don't mean "in the room" kinda there, but she is in my heart. Her influence on me continues. She set a great example in patience and forgiveness. I'm glad I told her that before she passed away in 2004. Thanks, Mom!
When I picked my name for thie forum, it was a hopeful thing - "surprise me". Surprise me with some affection, some patience, some forgiveness. It hasn't happened for a long long while, though I did get quite a few unpleasant surprises. Well this week has been full of pleasant surprises. That's a nice 180 !
I was down for a long time. Any of you reading out there - if you are feeling hopeless, just know that I was in your shoes. I felt that feeling, for oh so long. So long. Every day I woke up and stared right into the monster's eyes. It got so that I didn't want to wake up anymore. I wanted to only dream. For those of you in that place, I want you to know that it ends. You may not be able to imagine that it will end, but it will. You only need to keep faith, and take care of yourself. Things will get better. Slowly at first, and then in big bursts. And one day you will lift up your head and look at the sky and think, "hey, I'm happy again."
