Hey Dawn, on the yoga thing Even the term "yoga" actually refers to the yoking together--the balance between--mind, body, and spirit, and is designed to work with and harmonize all three aspects of the human being practicing yoga. At the same time, if you just want to use it to improve your flexibility, and want to avoid all of that foo-foo stuff, you can do that too. That's interesting to learn. I can imagine that really getting into yoga can be fulfilling. As a novice, first-timer, I didn't appreciate the depth of all that, but I do respoect the mind, body, spirit thing. Thinking about it now, that harmonization I think is a key aspect of anything I really enjoy, in different ways. Like running or cycling or paddling on a river or skiing - the physical part is obvious, but when I do those things it's a spiritual experience too. I don't like to run (or ride or paddle) in the city, I like to run where I can see trees and wildlife and rivers and so on. And that really stimulates my spirit. And then the mind stuff - running can be sort of mechanical, but for me cycling is very much a mental pursuit. Skiing or paddling - the same.
So I appreciate the harmonization part of the yoga philosophy. I didn't like my instructor so much, she was a little too serious. I would do it again, though, if I had a good yoga buddy.
the wife also proposed that communication between us be restored for the purposes of parenting. I found out in the mediation meeting that my son had 2 detentions at school last week, and one suspension. I have no idea what this was about. The mediator was astounded that I did not know, and very dismayed that my wife did not inform me. In any case, the restrictions on me from the so-called "protection order" (not really for protection at all, it is really just a terrorist weapon in the war, just a weapon used to instill fear in the other side) will ALL be rescinded if I accept her proposal. ALL rescinded.
In February, she asked the court to keep me away from the kids (zero contact) for 12 years, and in October she is proposing that all the restrictions to be removed. Does that make sense?
And, I forgot to comment on the state of my spirit.
as I exited that mediation hearing, having had the chance to rationally think about all that has transpired over the past couple years since I found out about the OM, the loss of my house, the loss of free contact with my own kids (soon to be restored), I looked in my heart and found little warmth for my wife. I am here on this forum because I wanted to bust this divorce, but it looks like the divorce will go through. I don't feel like I failed, because as Atticus says to Scout in To Kill a Mockingbird, the success is in the trying. (something like that)
I still have compassion for her. I don't envy her position. I think she has a hard path ahead. I am not joyful about it. I am not happy that the mother of my children is about to get a much more difficult life. Well I am, and I'm not, if you know what I mean. But the troubling thing is I don't want her back.
That feels like sort of a disloyal thing to say here on the DB forums, but it's the truth. At the same time, I know that the road is long, and I know the feelings I have at this moment will change. Last night as I got ready for bed, and this morning when I awoke, I prayed for guidance and wisdom on this. Show me the way. I never want to lose compassion, but I have lost all manner of romantic love for her.
My counselor (a man), cautioned me. After hearing my story, he said he fully expected her to come back to me. Not immediately, but sometime. She will have a rent payment, a job, bills to pay on her own. He told me he would be surprised if she did not come back. And he cautioned me to prepare myself so that I can say NO. He said I continued to accept her, even when her behavior was unacceptable. He said I proved myself reliable in that regard, and that I have trained her well: whatever she did, I took her back. But that obviously hasn't worked, and he wants me to keep control of myself and be strong enough to NOT do it in the future.
If it should happen as he expects, and I want to take her back, he recommended at least 1 YEAR in individual and couples therapy before we get back together in the same house.
Most people who know where I am think I am crazy for "standing" for this marriage. There are some people who are like me - sort of fundamentalist believers in the sacredness of marriage. I don't mean that in a strict churchy sense, but more along the lines of the importance of marriage as an institution - so important that it becomes sacred . The importance of life-long fidelity and commitment and keeping promises and working hard to stay together. And those people even, those fundamentalists, are questioning my stand for this marriage.
It makes me think.
But I will not take action on all that stuff now. I will focus on me, on the kids, on a new life. We'll see how I feel in a few months' time.
we have a roof over our heads and warm beds to sleep in we have electricity/water a car that runs food our health a husband who still pays the bulk of the bills and takes the kids to/from activities a husband who took a very sick dog to the vet by his own choosing as she would be dead today if it were not for him
The Bomb: 08/05 H moves out: 06/2006 H moves back: 01/07 & Out again: 01/07 H moves back: 03/08 & Out again: 04/08 H moves back: 05/09 & Out again: 07/09 Divorced 08-12 Kids: 22, 20, 19
I am so happy that things are finally looking up for you. You have gone through this with dignity and I am sure your kids have been given a great example.
As for your loss of feelings towards your STBXW, I believe you have realized that what you were chasing after was a dream of a good marriage, not reality. What your W has done over the last year with the VAWA terrorist behavior shows her true colors and I would hope you are well prepared to say NO THANK YOU if she tries to weasel her way back into your life. There are women out there that honor, respect and cherish their man for life and are much more deserving of your love.
Have fun with the kids when you have them and I hope you can coparent peacefully as my STBXW and I are doing.
SPM, you and your children are often in my prayers. I have said before on this forum that morals, dignity, compassion matter. Truthfulness and being true to yourself matters. I am glad that that has held true for you, my friend.
I hope that all that you wish for comes to fruition. You deserve it and more!
It would be near impossible for you to have romantic feelings for your wife at this time. Put that stuff on the shelf for now. And remember that you have acted with honor and strength.
Hey, SirPrize, You really are a prize! Thank you for posting on my thread, I really appreciate your sharing your thoughtful opinions! You (along with all the other kind DBers) have helped me get a better perspective on my sitch.
It sounds like you would really benefit from the "wholeness" aspect of yoga if you can find an instructor who isn't too far "out there." Look for an instructor in the "Iyengar" style of yoga (although there's no guarantee that that teacher will be more to your taste). I hope you find a yoga buddy if you think that will help--you will probably need to concentrate on the women of your acquaintance, as I see a lot more women in yoga classes than men. I think sometimes men think yoga is too wimpy, not challenging enough. If they do, then they have obviously never tried it! I've been a gymnast since the age of 9, and am one of the most flexible people I know, and I still have trouble with some of the poses! (Too much muscle in my thighs to make it geometrically possible, in some cases.)
About your M sitch...I am sorry to hear that D is proceeding, but it sounds to me like you have nevertheless taken the higher path and been the better man despite what she has put you through, and you are starting to see certain things improve because of it.
I, too, wouldn't be surprised if she eventually wants to come back to you. Then it is your choice...obviously a difficult one, because it is not just a matter of feelings, but a question of what is best for all concerned. I think your best bet now may be to shut the door, but not lock it. One of the things that we all know to our bones by now is that feelings change, so you can't make wise long-term decisions based on your emotions of the moment. I know I certainly don't feel romantic toward my H these days (I really don't even like him right now), but I can imagine a scenario in which that might be different in the future. I think of those feelings as being in long-term storage...sort of like off-season clothing.
You seem to be doing so well in sailing above the turbulence, taking the honorable path. I really admire the character you have demonstrated throughout all this, and you can be proud of yourself for doing the right thing. We can't control the other person or the results, only ourselves, and you have done that so well.
I hope things continue to improve for you, SirPrize! I will keep tabs on you, and I hope you will drop by and post to my thread sometimes--I really appreciate getting your take on things! Hope you find something fun to do for yourself today!
Peace, Dawn
Me 45/H 47, no kids Together since 1985; M/1992 Bomb1 (EA-OW1, age 22) 2001 Bomb2 (EA/PA-OW2, age 22) 10/2007, A continues H left 11/24/08 minimal contact, no legal action http://tinyurl.com/DawnHope1
Oh, I'm feeling the LOOOOOOOVE. You guys are all my homies. I am really glad, feeling good about how things are going.
I am also really glad I found this place. It was a lifesaver in the early days. Now I feel it is a place where people know me, understand me, empathize with me, and of course, right back at you all.
So without further delay, Today I am thankful for:
Pumpkin carving. Tonight I had the 4 kids for the evening. We had gone pumpkin pickin' 10 days ago, when I had them on the weekend. In my childhood family, we got one pumpkin, but each of my kids picks their own. And it's sort of a competition to see who can find the grandest one. So we have the amusing situation where the 40-lb six-year old kid is carrying a 30-lb pumpkin out of the pumpkin patch. Anyway, tonight we carved 'em. Imagine the scene - four kids scattered around the kitchen floor, carving faces in their huge pumpkins. Pumpkin seeds and pumpkin goo everywhere.
Fred Meyer - this is a repeat. I had gone to my favorite store this afternoon and they have all the halloweeny stuff on sale, so I picked up a fog machine for $15 - half off! What a deal! The boys got a big kick out of it.
The thaw. I still have no contact with W although when we finalize the divorce agreement, I will be able to email her directly to discuss parenting stuff. I sent an email today to W's attorney asking if I could bring the kids to work on Friday - there's a Halloween party and it's lots of fun. They had fun at work last year, and so I asked for that again. To my surprise, the STBx quickly agreed to bring the kids to my office! The kids are excited about it. This is a pretty clear signal of a thaw. In all the other cases where I asked for exceptions to the "formal agreement" she has declined with no reason given. Just because. I fully expected it again today. In fact my counselor asked me, why do you keep asking if she keeps saying no? Well, today she said yes.
Good Vibrations. There is still a restraining order on me that restricts me in many ways. According to the order I am not permitted out of my vehicle when we do the kid exchange - for her protection you see. Well I have been flouting that part of the order for months. I could be arrested for this, but I was betting against it. See, I didn't like to greet my kids while sitting in the car - I liked to hug them when I saw them, and I couldn't do that while seated behind the wheel of a car. So I make sure to arrive early at our meeting place, then I sit on a bench and wait. If she is afraid of me she can stay away, stay in her car, whatever. But lately she is coming closer and closer. She doesn't have to get out of the car but she does. She's like a wild horse on the Outer Banks, warming up to me over the course of months. Today she came right up to me as I sat on the bench. She spoke to me for the first time in ... 9 months. I did not respond because of the order. She was wearing the sweater I got for her, for V-day 2007. It is very nice - a handmade design, very fashionable. I remember going to some trouble to get it, eventually calling a store in Indianapolis to get it sent to me. Anyway she was wearing it today. She looked good.
My Mother, may God rest her soul. I remember her every Halloween when I roast pumpkin seeds. I don't know why. It was always a favorite thing for her to do. My kids love the seeds, and when I smell them roasting, I think of my mom. And I know she is "there". I don't mean "in the room" kinda there, but she is in my heart. Her influence on me continues. She set a great example in patience and forgiveness. I'm glad I told her that before she passed away in 2004. Thanks, Mom!
When I picked my name for thie forum, it was a hopeful thing - "surprise me". Surprise me with some affection, some patience, some forgiveness. It hasn't happened for a long long while, though I did get quite a few unpleasant surprises. Well this week has been full of pleasant surprises. That's a nice 180 !
I was down for a long time. Any of you reading out there - if you are feeling hopeless, just know that I was in your shoes. I felt that feeling, for oh so long. So long. Every day I woke up and stared right into the monster's eyes. It got so that I didn't want to wake up anymore. I wanted to only dream. For those of you in that place, I want you to know that it ends. You may not be able to imagine that it will end, but it will. You only need to keep faith, and take care of yourself. Things will get better. Slowly at first, and then in big bursts. And one day you will lift up your head and look at the sky and think, "hey, I'm happy again."
SPM, when you write about your kids, it warms my heart. To hear a father speak about their children like that is a wonderful thing. And it makes me sad for my son. Because although his father was a present father, he was not that kind of father.
I know everyone is different. But boy, I wish my son had some of the memories with his father that your children will have.
Anyway, I am so happy for you that things are softening around the edges. That there is a thaw in the air.
And thank you for giving me hope that things will get better. It means more than words could say.
God's grace my four children my two grandchildren my fellow christian brothers and sisters playing golf with my son having financial peace of mind in this troubling time I could go on and on.
m-54 w-44 children-4 bomb-sept 21 2007 t-21 m-20yrs bomb-sept 23 2007 divorced but not giving up hope, not yethttp://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...rue#post1224023
Thank you for posting on my thread, I really appreciate your sharing your thoughtful opinions! You (along with all the other kind DBers) have helped me get a better perspective on my sitch.