Another one bites the dust (2)

[Ready2Change]

..Thanks for sending the email. How about you send me your thoughts and idea so I can go over it. I'm interested in what you think is fair as far as finances. We can start from there....What do you think?

Check Spelling....


I believe that is a good response.

Also, I have always heard "The one who names the price first loses"

*HUGS*



It is a balancing act.

[No Longer BH]

My head dis spinning between total acceptance and anger. STBXH had son last night. When I got home he wanted to talk about some of the things he was going to purpose as far as a settlement. First his child support and maintenance amount was off by almost a 1000.00 a month. When I explained why his numbers where off he became angry and accusitory....I am out to take him for everything and he will have to work until his dying day. I told him due to my chronic illness (not the cancer) that I wanted indefinate alimony as well. That REALLy made him mad. Oh well. I will not back down on that one. I explained that I was not trying to screw him that I was trying to give our son the most stability possible. That I wanted to continue to live in the same neighborhood so that he could be with his friends and go to the same school. This was not about me. I reminded him that through out our M, I was the one who had sacrificed over and over again financially. That I had not been the kind of person to spend money on myself, everyone else came first. Why did he think that I had changed in that regaurd. I also reminded him that last week he told me he was planning on giving me 50% and this week he is mad that I dont like his 30% offer. He said that he did not say he would give me 50% (um, yeah, you did but owell. doesnt really matter until it is a signed contract anyway). I said that if we went in front of a judge, I would be able to get 40% so I will not settle for less than that. I said when you look at it from my point of view, I will be taking care of our son most of the time. Less than half will go to pay for 2 of us while over half is going to just pay for him. Thems the breaks I guess.

As the night went on he started to talk R with me. Said he was sorry that things have ended this way. I said that I was actually angry with him because last week he wanted me to put the house back on the market and wanted me to get a job. I said, do you not know what it means to be going through what I am going through? You watched your mom die from cancer and this is how you treat me! Yeah, I am sad it turned out this way also. Told him, "You know how your back has been hurting for the last couple of weeks and it has put you in a bad mood. Well, amplify that pain by 10 and hold on to it for over a year. Now, you are also responsible for a 98 year old woman, your son, the house, diner, school full time, being a loving partner and working a part time job as well. Cant you understand how all of that combined would change how a person acted? I believed in the "in sickness and in health" bit. You ran away to someone else. So , yeah, you should feel sorry it ended this way. Everyone makes their own decisions about what is right for them and I guess walking away from a wife who could die was what was right for you." I actually said all of this in a calm tone of voice. I was shocked at how detached I felt.

Somehow the conversation moved to him talking about his OW. He is now back pedelling about how he is living there. Fed me some BS line that there are nights he sleeps in his car at the company garage (um, it is a 2 seater with no back seat). I could tell he was lying through his teeth. I just dont get it. I told him I thought that was odd when she had a perfectly good bed that she was already sharing with him. It was his choice where he decided to sleep and none of my business. Caught him in a couple of other lies, but just let them pass. What is the point anymore? He will just lie even further to cover the ones he just got caught in. He is the one who has to look at himself in the mirror, not me. Then he starts to tell me how his GF M broke up. Like I even care!!! Apparently she was M for 5 year. By year 2 was not feeling happy because H would not go out partying with her. She likes to do things and meet knew people. She is all about fun. By year 3 they were doing their own thing and by year 4 she filed and left him. Was completed right around their 5 year anniversary. All I kept thinking as I heard this is WOW, you two are so going to crash and burn. My STBXH would never go out with me because he does not like bars or the smoke. He hates to drink and has a hard time connecting to people. Didnt have close friends at all while we were together, despite me trying to get him to connect with others. Actually, he sounds alot like her Ex that she hated and ran away from. Funny how that works. After hearing that, I had a smile on my face because I knew they would not work out. After all they have both proven that they rather run away from a sitch instead of fix it. A perfect match made in h&ll in my opinion. I have decided to step back and just enjoy the show at this point.

Its funny, when he left, he thanked me for having such a good conversation. I was so detached I did not notice if it was good or not. I just sat there with a blank expression nodding my head most of the time. I do remember that he has now decided to re-write our history. He had not done that yet. As of last night, he has been miserable in our R for the last 10 years. Again, thanks to BD I knew this was just the normal BS they spout to feel better about what they are doing.

One of the comments that he did make that made me smile was that he felt like his body was falling apart. He felt and looked much older than he actual is. He then said that I look younger and better than I had in years. I just smiled and said "Guess D is treating me well." Through the entire night I was calm and did not emotionally engaged. When talk about finances came up and he was angry I simply responded that this was just a businees decision we were making at this point. That was all I saw it as. He tried to make a few jibes at me but I refused to take the bait. Finally I told him it was late, I did not feel good and he needed to go home. As he was leaving he said he didnt know where that was. I shook my head and said drive safe then closed the door on him. Whatever.

I totally believe now that he is in a MLC. I also think that one day he is going to pull his head out of his @ss (not until the OW is gone though) and regret everything that happend and want to come back. I have come to a point, though, that I dont think I could ever take him back. Who knows, I could be totally wrong...he could marry her...or he could want to come back and I say ok. I can only think of today and nothing else.

Hope everyone is doing well and able to enjoy the lovely fall colors.

[No Longer BH]

Am I just being too negative or am I doing the right thing by detaching and just letting him go? It seems he has moved on to his greener pastures, shouldn't I? Would like any advice other DBer's have.

[Sara]

I don't know the right answer BH. But from the way he talks, it seems you have no choice but to let him go. I don't think I would continue negotiations with him. Why not just do it with the professional mediator? He's not being nice to you when you are alone together.

[karen43]

Am I just being too negative or am I doing the right thing by detaching and just letting him go? It seems he has moved on to his greener pastures, shouldn't I? Would like any advice other DBer's have.

Yes! You should but it's very difficult to detach, at least for me and I've noticed others of us around here should probably be doing that also, and have problems. Your advice to me that you just posted on my thread, I think every word of that could apply to you too!!!! Karen

[LL44]

As the truth of xH's infidelity came out, the history was rewritten. First, he had been unhappy for the past 6 months, then it was a year, etc. I think we are up to the last 5 years of our marriage at this point. I feel that maybe, just maybe, they will in time realize its BS. Might not be a for a long time, and they may never say anything to us, but I think it will happen.

Your H's anger and sadness will cycle when it comes to you. See, how he got mad, defensive, then back to sad acceptance when it came to money? I think he'll do that for everything.

xH hems and haws, lies and leaves out, all sorts of skirting the issue when his 'private' life. He is astonished when I call him on something, like how do I have to nerve to NOT believe him?!

[No Longer BH]

Funny lwb, I have been wondering when I would get the re-writing of our history. I mean he has followed the scripted to a tee with the exception of our history. When we went to our first mediation appointment in July, he told the mediator that we had a wonderful relationship until the last year and then things broke hard and he had an A. So, I was wondering when this was going to happen.

Its so sad, when I look at him now the only thing that keeps running through my head is "I hate him, I hate him." I dont want to have these thoughts but that's all I got. I feel bad but also think it is protecting me and helping me to move on. I swear every time we are together I catch him in another lie. Dont understand why he feels the need to continue this way because I have already shown him when it comes to his OW I no longer react. He made his choice now I get to chose how to live the rest of my life.


THanks for checking in on me everyone.

[Gypsy]

Hello Beautiful Heart..

I know the "I hate him, I hate him, I hate him." chant. After a really bad phone call or something particularly hurtful to me happens it comes out.

It usually changes to "I hate this, I hate this, I hate this.". And based on what I've read and heard I then rally to send him blessings or say prayers to forgive him. My first blessing was a herd of camels at his new abode. That gave me fiendish joy. Now I wish him good health and a strong career (alimony depends on that!). Okay I'm bad but I'm getting there.

The "I hate's" I think are part of detaching. If you hold onto hate (which is really pain) it leads to bitterness and the gradual loss of the joys in your life. I like to say, "Just cuz I couldn't get laid, doesn't mean I want to be screwed!" when it comes to divorce. You're very creative.. see what helpful suggestions your mind, wit and wisdom gives you.

And laugh. Just laugh. It's a beautiful thing that helps you in so many ways. I find that shows are funnier, the sun is brighter. At choir I look about to the members and smile like sunshine, enthusiastic to be there, spreading my joy. That and I don't want those ucky wrinkles that come from scowling. Vanity can be helpful too!

You're beautiful and wonderful!

*hugs*

[LL44]

I have been wondering when I would get the re-writing of our history.

The thing is, I think we go through a bit of rewriting too. Ours is the opposite though, because when the bomb hits, we focus ONLY on all the good things in our past marriage. We don't see the bad. Now I think we can see both, good and bad. See if for what the marriage was. Marriage. Good and bad stuff.

[No Longer BH]

Today I feel more at peace. I dont know why I do, but am glad that it is there. I had my S IC appointment on Monday. STBXH and I drove up together with him. STBXH at the helm and I in the back seat. I read a wonderful story to my S the 2 hours up and the 2 hours back. While in the waiting room I brought my own book to keep myself busy. STBXH kept interupting my alone time with his drivel conversations. I was polite and kind an would answer anything and everything he brought up, but did not create conversations of my own. At one point on the drive back I felt sad because STBXH was trying to act like he did when we were together....chatty and happy go lucky with me, but I know it means nothing. He even brought up to the IC about how he just fell out of love with me.....as lwb would say "blecky".

It was a short moment of saddness and then it passed. I am healing and I am moving on. It is what needs to happen.

I read the book "Surviving the Affair" by Harley. It actually made me smile. He described the conditions of my STBXH affair to a tee....was depressed when he met up with her, picked someone leseer than he had at home - not educated (I have 2 degrees) and not as attractive as me, she is a partier when he was always a stay at home kind of guy. I smiled because it made me realize that my biggest fear is that she will be the step mom to my son. The reality is that is a very slim possibility. I know it could happen, I just dont think it will. In the skeem of things, his affair is still pretty new, they have only been out 5 months now. I was actually kind of glad to hear that they were living together because now they get to see eachothers warts. Again, though, these are HIS choices and it no longer needs to concern me. I am not looking to R with him anymore. There has been too much damage done and I am ready to start to move on.

It was a beautiful day today. I met acouple of other mom's at my S new school and enjoyed their company. There really are so many kind people in the world. I was hit on by a couple of guys at the local Borders. That made me smile as well. Apparently if you hang out in the Divorce section, guys think you are fair game. Still, enjoyed the attention. All is getting better in the world, albeit slowly.