Sounds like you've been to the doctor and gotten the medicine. SO now you are the road to recovery. She will get better. It's so sad when sweet little ones are in pain. I hope she feels better soon.
*H said he wanted the kids all 3 nights this week that I am busy, said "I want to have them while I can". I said something about how we need to get comfortable with it that way, and he said, "No, I meant since I know I travel next week I want to spend time with the kids when I am not traveling". Again, hard to explain, but any time I made an observation (no emotion!) about how things will be 'going forward', he tried to duck/dodge/backpedal...
he knows what you really mean here.
OK, so he knows what I mean. Then, why try to play it off like he doesn't, or like HE doesn't mean it like THAT? Grrr...if you want a divorce, then you say, "I want a divorce, lets go from here". NOT FU I hate you, we are done
and then the next day
I am sorry, I don't hate you, I love you and will always love you, I just hate the situation we are in...
then
I want you to co-sign on another house with me
then
Hey let's go to the pumpkin patch and have some good old fashioned family fun!
Mike would prob. say it is batchitt crazy....Deauxlie said it would hurt her to watch her H go to bed downstairs every night after playing "happy family" all evening.
Well, it DOES hurt my heart. No matter the GAL I do, knowing that at the end of the day, he is choosing not to be beside me, he is choosing to be without me. Even if he wants to flirt. Even if he wants to chat. Even if he wants to make memories with the kids. He doesn't actually want ME, is what it says to me when he goes downstairs at night...........
H leaves next week for several days in Los Angeles. The 2 other times he has gone there in the past 7 months, he has taken OW. I want this all squared away before he leaves, I don't want to think about it....
Kalni maybe now I am Dan, "I want to get this over with just so I can make SOME kind of decision"..............
*H said he wanted the kids all 3 nights this week that I am busy, said "I want to have them while I can". I said something about how we need to get comfortable with it that way, and he said, "No, I meant since I know I travel next week I want to spend time with the kids when I am not traveling". Again, hard to explain, but any time I made an observation (no emotion!) about how things will be 'going forward', he tried to duck/dodge/backpedal...
he knows what you really mean here.
OK, so he knows what I mean. Then, why try to play it off like he doesn't, or like HE doesn't mean it like THAT? Grrr...if you want a divorce, then you say, "I want a divorce, lets go from here". NOT FU I hate you, we are done
and then the next day
I am sorry, I don't hate you, I love you and will always love you, I just hate the situation we are in...
then
I want you to co-sign on another house with me
then
Hey let's go to the pumpkin patch and have some good old fashioned family fun!
Mike would prob. say it is batchitt crazy....Deauxlie said it would hurt her to watch her H go to bed downstairs every night after playing "happy family" all evening.
Well, it DOES hurt my heart. No matter the GAL I do, knowing that at the end of the day, he is choosing not to be beside me, he is choosing to be without me. Even if he wants to flirt. Even if he wants to chat. Even if he wants to make memories with the kids. He doesn't actually want ME, is what it says to me when he goes downstairs at night...........
H leaves next week for several days in Los Angeles. The 2 other times he has gone there in the past 7 months, he has taken OW. I want this all squared away before he leaves, I don't want to think about it....
Kalni maybe now I am Dan, "I want to get this over with just so I can make SOME kind of decision"..............
I know BBJ..I lived it. Put Kim in Dan's place and me in yours with the exception that Kim let me work my ass off around the house..the only difference is Kim never wavered of her want for the divorce. She played "nice" to keep things civil..she brought food in, she chatted..she hugged, occasional kisses..went to family gatherings. Dan's not stupid. Dan knows exactly what you mean when you say the things you say..He plays them off as something else..Believe me I knew what Kim was saying but held out hope that my changes were having some affect on her and her feelings.
Yes, it is batchitt crazy..they don;t have a clue what they want and are like frinkin tops spinning on a table, flags flapping in the breeze..they blow one way one minute and the next it's the opposite.
and I know it hurts..BBJ..I know how bad it hurts..but it will be better. I can promise you that..Dan can't make it better but you can make it better for yourself.
Hey BBJ. My H was a lot like that too "changed his mind" numerous times during our D sitch. He would one day say "With all that I've said & done to you and you still want to stay, I would be stupid not to stay" and then call his best bud to say "hey, Kelly & I are staying together & we want you & Kelly to come for a BBQ on Friday night" and then the next day or 2 days later, he would be back to wanting a D.
I think instead of trying to figure out what he is doing and what he wants, you need to spend some time figuring out what you want and how you are going to get there.
Just my 2 cents -- still reading along.
Oh & he said some awful, nasty stuff to me that I don't think I'll ever forget !!
Last edited by RedHeadWife; 10/29/0809:50 PM.
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
I don't think Dan is Done, but perhaps you need to say to him.
Dan, by you doing this (pumpkin seeds, hay ride etc) I am seeing that you don't want us to split. If that is the case, I need to hear it explicitly from you and THEN we BOTH work at it all over again. On the other hand, if you still want us to split, say so. I am confused.
Hmm..trying to be concise with my replies. I should be working! Not sure if I'm getting my point across.
** Purple
As soon as you trust yourself you will know how to live. Goethe
I have been trying to ease this thing off bit by bit, putting it back when it starts to hurt too much. Think it's time to rip the dang thing off once and for all. It will heal, one way or the other, right?
Red, you said stop worrying about what he wants and figure out what I want. Well, I want to LIVE! I know all about GAL, find my own happy, etc. But hard to act "as if" I am getting a D when H lives with me, we hang out witht he kids, watch TV, etc. The only D couple I have seen like that are Bruce Willis and Demi Moore (that guy even stood up at his ex-wife's wedding to Ashton Kutcher! geez), and I bet that didn't happen right away.
The attorney kept saying to me, "If your H wants to spend family time together several nights a week, spend holidays together, birthdays together, etc.---why are you getting divorced? Divorced people typically don't do that stuff..." I mean, three our four times he would say that about something I said DAN wanted in the D arrangments. He said, "If he wants to spend that much time together, what is the point of the D?"
I tend to agree. But H seems to want the D nonetheless. I know in DB circles it is prob. suggested to just DB my butt off while H is living under the same roof. Be upbeat, be fun, be happy, etc etc. Be 'detached'. I know my own, sensitive heart though. As long as H and I are around each other that much, there is a part of me that will try to think he will change his mind.
I guess I would rather cut the cord now, and MAYBE be surprised down the road IF he came back and I wanted him back;
than to keep doing the dance we are in now, where he is "here" but not "here", and then he leaves at some moment where I have started to feel hope........
Well, it DOES hurt my heart. No matter the GAL I do, knowing that at the end of the day, he is choosing not to be beside me, he is choosing to be without me. Even if he wants to flirt. Even if he wants to chat. Even if he wants to make memories with the kids. He doesn't actually want ME, is what it says to me when he goes downstairs at night...........
Welcome to my world BBJ, My wife has slept in son's room now for a year... The ONLY time we slept in the same room was at Retro and then it was in separate beds...
I know how you feel girl.. By day it's almost like we are back to normal then when the moon comes out things change..
take care
Dr Love
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
No, you are not crazy. You are living in a crazy situation. What Dan's actions and comments say to me are, "I'm having sex with someone else, so I should be divorced. But I don't want to lose my family, so you all stay just the way you are, and I'll come visit." I know that is blunt BBJ. But that is how my brain makes sense of the non-sensical way he acts. What do others say?
