After me spending way too much time (6 months or more) trying to find a good counselor in my area...I finally found one. Mr. DQ and I have gone to her twice now.
Thankfully - - she is great! So far, so good.
The biggest key is for him to feel comfortable...I am easier with this sort of thing than he is. He has to feel a special connection with the counselor or he wont be comfortable. Lucky for me, he feels that connection with her, so yay!
Her philosophy (for us) is that we are working on the RELATIONSHIP, not on us as individuals. She will counsel us individually if we want, but she feels it is best not to do any type of IC for either of us that doesn't relate to the relationship. Because individual therapy is so much different than couples therapy, she wants to keep them separate.
Our main problem is arguments. We both contribute to the problem we have of escalating arguments...neither of us can seem to temper ourselves after we get to a certain point. And...well, I am a firecracker and he is an alpha male....um...this combination is great in the bedroom, but in conflict, it can be dangerous.
(to him)
hee hee
However...the arguing is only one side of our R...we are so in love, and we literally LOVE going to counseling so we can talk about how in love we are! Its kinda sick, actually. I mean, our friends certainly don't want to hear it anymore. LOL! The counselor has told us we are basically dream clients, because we both have the same goal, we are madly in love, we are both willing to do anything to get past the fighting, and we are not hiding repressed feelings from each other.
On the other side of things....sigh... I still don't get as much sex as I would like, but I am slowly accepting that this is just how things are in our R. I am having to accept that it may be an average of 1 x per week.
:0(
Actually...he tried to tell me this several times and in several ways in the beginning...when we were having sex like 3 - 5 x per week, every week, for months in a row, he would try to tell me gently "you know, I won't be able to keep up this pace forever"....I thought he meant that we would go down to 2 - 3 x per week....but he actually meant he is fine with 1 x per week.
Sooooo....although I don't like it....I am accepting it. And I am adjusting my own needs accordingly.
It has been such an interesting ride for me. Going from a situational LD position in my marriage...to a fun free-for-all while I was single for a short time (not actually a lot of sex happened, but a whole lotta making out with different dates happened), to a new serious monogamaous relationship with sex out of this world in both quality and frequency....to now a more settled but still out of this world in quality 1 x per week sex life, which includes ME feeling I am not getting as much as I would like. As was the reason that my last thread was titled "How the tables have turned on me".
I have had to feel the effects of being all horny and turned on, only to know for sure you can't ask your partner for sex because you already know the answer is "no"...how this can grate on your nerves, make you edgy and uncomfortable...how it can make you feel rejected, even if you weren't actually rejected....how it makes you wonder "but honey, we haven't had sex in over a week, how come you are not sexually pent up and frustrated if I am?"
In the end, I have had to be so much more mature about everything in general. I thank god everyday for this chance to grow. And actually.... I am beginning to "wake up" into a new self....one who finally got all the sex she wanted and needed and took things to a whole new level in the love department...only to realize that I STILL must find my happiness from within, like everyone else.
I can't depend upon the great sex to make me happy. It may or may not be there, and I have to be ok with that. I can't depend on HIM to make me happy either...although he certainly does make me happy, I have to be a happy person inside...or I will never be a happy person in this relationship.
I was such an immature fool when I was married before...
Hopefully this time...(new marriage)...I will be a mature, wise, beautiful and HAPPY person....not just wife, but person.
