I want more than anything for son to have a relationship with his dad.
I went around that barn a hundred times. I ended up giving up trying to be the bridge between them.
Early on in the separation, H wouldn't do anything with son because he had to see me. Then he became comfortable with me and less comfortable with son. He ended up visiting me and was not here for son. Their relationship has grown very cold.
Then OW wouldn't let H see son because H would have to see me.
Now I think the relationship is more like strangers not father and son. I can't fix it. I have adopted that attitude that H will have to fix it if he wants it. I know first hand that son has no interest in his dad because of his feelings of abandonment and neglect and I didn't create those, H managed those nasties all by himself and has no one to blame but himself. It has to be his job now to salvage a relationship with son.
I am not being selfish...I just gave up and threw in the towel. I tried and tried to keep the connection and it became apparent it was useless (hopefully this is a temporary state). I finally admitted defeat and I can't go back and try right now, I can't handle that pain again. It tore me to shreds to watch their relationship fall apart, but I didn't cause it. I have to leave their relationship up to them now (or for now).
I think to keep a journal of the really good ideas of what works and doesn't from the veteran DB's here is an excellant idea for you. I have something similar and it is a good fallback when you are at a loss. Keeping in mind too that what works today may not tomorrow. It's all part of the journey.
Keep up that sexy, appealing Appearance and PMA for your H, remember he is always watching you....
Sanderika
ME48/H48MLC T 33y M 28y S16 OW 8/7/05 Bomb 8/16/05 Sep 9/05 H f'd D 10/3/08 D pp'd 1/20/09,7/24/09,12/4/09 D dismissed 2/5/10 H served me D papers again 9/4/10 D dismissed 9/26/11
Thanks SPM . It was lovely to read. Shines a bit of hope and there are some good tips.
I have had lots of work related interactions with H over past 3 days. All good and upbeat. Just like business partners.
I am impatient and its my downfall. I have to get better control of myself. I liked the tip about ; pretending your across the room observing yourself - may help with the way i interact.
I have not made contact with any C yet. Not sure what i am waiting for. I am toying with the idea of joining a tennis club. I play sport and gym etc but always with woman. I think if I join a club I should make it mixed.
I like the tennis team idea. That sounds really good. As for the counseling... you said I have not made contact with any C yet. Not sure what i am waiting for.
I know what you are waiting for! You are waiting for the problem to GO AWAY by itself. It won't. Now stop waiting and get started. How about a goal for today: Call 3 counselors and schedule 30-minute interviews with them.
Can i say i own a costume shop and it halloween week......and I am exhausted and last night I had to pick up D16 from Chris Brown Rhianna concert in the city that did not finish until midnight ? Hard being only parent and I am soooooooooooo tired.
Hi Max, I haven't been by to see you in a while, but I was catching up on your stitch. Doesn't seem like you have prgressed a whole lot and I really do hope you will make an appointment with a good DB counselor. You said you didn't know why you were putting off, but I wonder if it is b/c you know you will have to discuss some issues that you don't want to talk about or face yourself? I also have to wonder if you still think that you can control this stitch without professional help. You are a controller.....you know that, don't you? You try to control your H even though you are S and you told him that you wanted out of the M. You get hurt and have a pity party and name all the reasons that you are sad, but honey, you have not listed the things to be grateful for. I know that you are in pain and pain brings out the worst in us.....believe me, I know that. But, I also know that if you were to sit down and really take a good hard look at your life, I just bet you could find a lot of things that you have been blessed with. Am I right or wrong? You can start with health. Are both your children in good health? If so, thank God every day for that. That is just a beginning.
I know we could list hundreds of people that are worse off than we are and the truth of the matter is......it doesn't make us feel that much better.....b/c we are still in pain. But, it concerned me so much to see all the things your mind was focused on that were bad and nothing was positive. Please, for your sake and your children's, try to make it a point to think about something good and positive in your life at least once a day....would you do that? I know for a fact that as long as we dwell on the negative, we will get sicker and sicker until we reach a bad place and you don't want to go there. We are here for you and want to help you, but you have got to work harder to help yourself.
First of all, please know that I understand why you are so upset about how this all backfired in your face. You feel betrayed by your H. He promised if you would tell him the truth that he could handle anything but lies.....just trust him with the truth. So you did.... and as you said, look where it got you. You are hurt, bitter, angry, resentful, controlling, and feeling very sorry for yourself.....and that is going to be your downfall if you don't do something to get help.....and fast.
Max, I almost could hear a hint of sorrowfulness that you gave up the OM since things turned out like it did. I thought at one point you were actually going to come out and say that if you had known that your H would have done you this way that you would never have given up the OM. Would you believe me if I told you that I understand that? I do. There were times that I had those feelings. They did not last very long, but for a while I did, b/c I was not the one wanting to stay in the M. I was simply trying to do what was right. But, I was not a happy camper! Everytime I got so put out with my H, I would wonder why did I give up the OM. Now, I don't think I have ever said that to anybody else, but I want you to know that I understand where you are coming from....okay?
However, after saying all of that....it does not take care of the problem, does it? You said youself that you are very impatient.....well, we can tell...lol. But, in a case as this, you are going to have to be patient and you are going to have to do a heck of a lot of work on yourself, Max, not on your H....yourself. You have used some DB terms, but have you actually read the book? If so, you need to read it again, and this time....study it.
What kind of goals are you setting for yourself? What are the 180's you are doing? What improvements are you making? And, BTW, IMHO, getting a job is not exactly GAL. Yes, it keeps you busy, but you need to do something for fun....not just working. Anyway, I didn't hear any of these things in your posts. Did I miss it? If so, I apologize.
We want to pick you up Max. We want you to bust this divorce. Don't give in to getting one so easily. It doesn't have to happen, but girl you have got to get off that feel sorry for Max pillow and go to work! Stop controlling everyone else and control yourself. How can you dare try to control your H and in the same breath say you "can't" do something yourself? Yeah, it's hard, you darn right it's hard. Do you want to know the easy way out? You already know, don't you? Sure you do, b/c you've already said so. But what does that make you? How will you feel about Max? You talk about how your children need their father and you are trying to make him be a good parent....well, I could talk all day about how that doesn't work, but I don't have time and you probably wouldn't listen. You are so busy looking at all your H's faults that you can't look at your own and I think that is one reason you are a coward for not seeking professional help. Yes, you have admitted to having an affair, but now you regret telling the truth even though it was the right thing to do and the fair thing to do. So, now you wish you could back up in time and you would lie to your H and you think that would be all honky-dorey! Well, it wouldn't.
Max, let me tell you, I think you have what it takes to fight! I think you could do anything you set your mind to, but apparently, you have to prove this to yourself. What were you like when your H fell in love with you? I am interested to know what your personality was then. When did you begin to change? Yes, I said you....not your H. You need to focus on you and not him. He will never come back until you change back. However, as the DB book tells us, we must do it for us.....not to reel them back in again, or it doesn't stick and we lose them again. So, what are you going to do? It's all up to you. You think the ball is in his park, but it isn't.......it is in your park, baby........so let me see what you've got girl.
I sincerely hope that you will start to take care of yourself.
Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I don't remember what I was like before i was married. I know I was not this person.
Yes , i have pity party's but that is what I sometimes use these posts for. I have such conflict within, such as pity, responsibility ,impatience, guilt,anger ....I try not to show any of those feelings in my day to day life. By venting here , I can get reality checks from people such as yourself , which keeps me on track. I really appreciate your time and thoughts on what I write. What i write is what I feel and your feedback is invaluable. PLEASE NEVER STOP.
Yes OM does creep back into thoughts and sadly I feel the last time I was happy was with him. It is also the reason I am so unhappy.
Yes I have so much to be happy about:
3 healthy children 2 parents alive and well 1 cute cat A very busy and successful business Nice nails I have lost a bit of weight , so am getting to my happy weight I am going to Australia for a weekend shoppping with friends in a couple of weeks My house is clean this week Summer is coming My D18 is home for 4 months from College I have anice bottle of wine in the fridge Tonight is junk food night.
So yes lots and lots to be happy about but it all seems over shadows by the fact my M is crap.
I know patience is the key, I know that by seeking a councillor ( no DB in NZ ) i will be helping myself. SPM challenged me to find a couple this week. It is friday morning so I am going to ring 3.
I know I am a control freak and I am slowly learning to keep out of everyones business. I would not call it a 180, more like 10 degree shifts. i have done 180 in other areas such as yelling, arguing, passive aggressive behaviour. I now act towards H as if he was not my H, this means i talk with more respect, i have few expectations. I do slip up sometimes but it is improving.
In all honesty I think the only goal I have in mind is to win my H back.
Thanks for your view and I really do appreciate a the smack around the ears.
